So long, 2022...

31 December 2022: Looking forward and looking back, with Big Thoughts abounding, I am thinking about these words tonight:

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." --Philippians 4:4-7

(Also: seven years of at least one post per day here--admittedly some of them "catch-up posts." Not sure what kind of record I am assembling here, but that's a pretty good streak.)

0-10, but...

30 December 2022: Another "L" for the women's basketball team today, but this time, I think the score really didn't reflect the effort (though the winning team really pulled ahead in the end). I think it must be rough for them to be going through this season (win-less so far and not a single game has been close), but I was pleased to see them seeming to have fun out there at times. Proud of them for just trying, trying, trying and playing the game they love. 

"You can say things like, 'Tell me your life story...'"

29 December 2022: "With strangers, you can ask the questions you can’t really ask the people you know. You can say things like, 'Tell me your life story.' My girlfriend and I are getting closer to proposal age, so I told them our love story. Trey had a girlfriend, so he shared his love story, too. Michelle is a grandmother, so she talked about how long she had been married to her husband. We got to know each other pretty well."

Just really charmed and moved by this piece on Slate about strangers driving across the country together in the wake of all these canceled flights. 

Step one...

28 December 2022: Going to be kind of cryptic about it so as not to jinx it, but with Hannah's help, started a bit of a process today that might end up being a good thing. 

Good news from Rocky Point...

27 December 2022: Glad to hear (directly from them) that my parents both seem to be improving, though my dad is still a couple of days behind my mom. I was worried; the unknown is so scary with this unpredictable virus. But I feel like we can breath a bit easier now. 

3 years and 1 day...

26 December 2022: Just hit 10K for today which means my streak is now 3 years and 1 day. Really hard to believe. 

The strange thing is that on Thursday, right before the really cold weather started to move in, as I was finishing my walk, I told myself that the streak would end on Christmas Eve. There was just no way I could imagine getting it in. It was supposed to be bitterly cold on Christmas Eve morning (before I got in the car to drive to NY)--too cold for an early morning walk. (Like, wind chills in the negative teens.) And then, by the time I got to NY, it would still be too crowded and busy inside, too cold outside, and, when things got less crowded too cold and too dark. So, it wasn't going to happen. And I was okay with that. A weird kind of relieved to have the streak end for a good reason. 

Came in from my walk, looked at my phone, and saw the texts about COVID in NY. 

So, thanks to that (and three days of cold where most of the steps accumulated inside, walking in circles around the house), the streak continues--for a kind of sad reason. We'll see how long it lasts...

Christmas 2022

25 December 2022: It certainly wasn't the Christmas I thought I'd have, here in WV when I thought I'd be in NY. It was quiet and a bit strange and a bit sad at times, but I was blessed enough to get invited to Pennsylvania for Christmas dinner at Eric's parents' house with them, Erin, Eric, and the girls. It was really lovely. Home now hanging out with Veronica watching the Call the Midwife Christmas episode. Still worried about my parents (who I have watched so many of these specials with) and hoping for better news from them tomorrow. 

Just me and my girl...

24 December 2022: Just me and this nugget on Christmas Eve. So far, a very chill day: movies, TV, pacing around the house to get steps in (still really cold out there). I am not sure how happy she is to have me here--she misses Wesley so much, refuses to see me as a substitute, and often walks around crying at me--but I am happy to have her.

"Umm, okay. No possibility of taking a walk today."

23 December 2022: My post's title comes from my thought about a block into my walk early this afternoon. Though it was in the 30s at around 7:00, by the time I set out, the temperatures had plummeted 20 degrees. (And right now, it's 6 degrees out.) The wind has died down, but at 11:00 a.m.? I struggled to walk. And then I thought, "Okay, maybe just a quick walk the other way" and found myself being blown forward. And the cold was intense. 

So...see the post's title. (Yes, a shout-out to Jane Eyre, too.)

Still managed to hit 10K today, almost entirely from pacing around the house on writing and chore breaks, with an assist to the brief trip I took to Food Lion. 

Christmas in...West Virginia...

22 December 2022: Well, my mom tested positive for COVID today, so that means no Christmas trip to New York. She seems okay so far, which is what matters most--that she feels better soon and that my dad stays healthy. Still, it is strange to not be headed up there in a couple days. It's different than 2020, when we knew for a long time that it wasn't going to happen. 

Just an incredibly tough few weeks, after a tough and challenging semester. And a rough few years. 

Still, still, still, though: we (me, my family) are blessed. It's worth remembering when things are hard, not because it makes the hard stuff go away, but because it just true and there is comfort in that truth. 

524...

21 December 2022: Along with a bunch of smaller tasks, I had a goal of writing 500 words of my Piatt entry today (modest, I know) and by golly, got 524 done. In my defense, that included the first paragraph, which is always kind of a bear to get right. Hoping to knock out double that or more tomorrow. But for now, I'll be happy with 524.

Filling station!

20 December 2022: I didn't even notice it at first, but I am delighted that one of the water bottle filling stations that some colleagues and I won a grant for has been installed in Knutti. 

Spring syllabizing...

19 December 2022: Spent some time today getting my syllabi ready for next semester (which starts in exactly three weeks). It's comforting work, especially when there aren't any new preps--just updating things, making little (what I hope are) improvements, dropping files into place, and getting excited about seeing the students again. I was supposed to spend more time writing my Piatt entry, but my mind just wasn't there and checking a bunch of things off one of my to-do lists makes me feel a bit less anxious about that one part of my life.   

"Everything will be all right..."

18 December 2022: Another essential holiday re-watch for me: Call the Midwife's 2015 holiday special. I remember watching it when it aired on Christmas day nearly seven years ago and just smiling and sobbing. Watched it again today and Sister Julienne's line to the panicking Iris--"Everything will be all right"--once again had me tearing up. (Every time, I want to believe she was saying it to me, too. Ha!) When she tells Iris, still mourning the baby she lost 22 years ago, and wondering how she can love another child, "Love is not going to be halved. But doubled," the tears just flowed. (It's also a really important Patsy and Delia episode.)

Wrapping to Elf

17 December 2022: This evening, I wrapped all the Christmas gifts so far (a few more to arrive/to be purchased) while watching Elf. I think this has become a kind of annual ritual--quiet, relaxing, with just a tinge of melancholy (but what isn't carrying that tinge these days?). There are worse ways to spend 90 minutes or so. 

These in-between days...

16 December 2022: One of those weird days where you can't quite figure out where the time went, but it's okay(ish). And this evening--spent with some friends (several of whom I haven't seen in nearly a year)--was quite lovely. 

"The Plight Before Christmas"

15 December 2022: Every holiday season, I rewatch the Bob's Burgers Christmas episodes again and again. I saved the most recent one until this morning, an icy day when campus was closed and I needed a treat to start off a long, solitary day. And my goodness: did I love it. One of the great wonders of this show is how it blends biting humor with real sweetness and sincerity--and characters who seem so real. And when a certain reveal happened? I literally started sobbing. 

Another little pawprint...

14 December 2022: Picked up Wesley's ashes and pawprint today. Just like with Bing, the pick up was emotional. And just like with Bing, that little pawprint is just so much to take in. 

A bit better...

13 December 2022: Despite what I just wrote in the catch-up post for yesterday, today has been better. Did some work from home this morning. Then took the afternoon off to see a movie. Then some more work at home. Not a bad balance. 

Squinting to remember...

12 December 2022: 

[Catch-up post]

Didn't post yesterday and I don't know why. I guess I just thought I did and crossed it off my list without thinking? And then I sat here tonight (12/13) and thought and thought and thought, wondering what the heck I did yesterday. Time always feels a little broken during these "between classes" times, but I think the trauma/drama of the past few weeks is playing into it, too. 

Rudolph time...

11 December 2022: Got to see Jane and her sisters, brother-in-law, and niece and nephew today. I hadn't seen her family since before COVID, so that was special. Then all of us (except Patrick) took in a community theater production of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which was very cute. 

Grateful for chances to embrace blessings...

"theorizing the maternal"

10 December 2022: "Motherhood remains an anxiety-laden subject for feminist critics wary of grappling with an issue so susceptible to essentialist arguments. We must acknowledge, however, that the individual, social, and political aspects of mothering form a central concern for women writers, and so theorizing the maternal is imperative. The study of Piatt’s poetry affords us an excellent opportunity to do so" (Wearn 164).

This passage from Wearn's article really stuck out to me, perhaps because of thinking about She Said's depiction of motherhood and its intersection with a woman's career. 

It's been interesting to revisit Piatt this week. I had forgotten how rich and fascinating her work is.

Work Cited

Wearn, Mary McCartin. “Subjection and Subversion in Sarah Piatt’s Maternal Poetics.” Legacy: A Journal of American Women Writers, vol. 23, no. 2, 2006, pp. 163–77. Project Muse. 

Fall 2022 Grading: DONE!

9 December 2022: Just hit "submit" on my last set of final grades for the semester. And what a semester it has been. Started off so strangely, with COVID keeping me away from campus. Ended with losing Wes. But from start to finish, the undimmable bright lights were my students--like they are every semester. 

Despite taking the afternoon off with Amy (lunch, a movie [She Said--very good!], and some Christmas shopping), I am still not quite in the spirit. Missing my boy. But doing my best.

And now for some mellow chair-dancing to this gem that just came up on Pandora...

"it implies more sympathy than she is likely to obtain..."

8 December 2022: Working on my entry on Sarah Morgan Bryan Piatt and found myself laughing at this 1880 Scriber's review of her work:

"[Piatt] is nothing if not dramatic, and nothing if not subtle. Her method is a profound one, in that it works from within outward, and a faulty one, in that it implies more sympathy than she is likely to obtain, and more intelligence than is possessed by one reader in a hundred. Her conceptions are no doubt clear to her, but they are frequently obscure to others. Her situations may be striking from a psychological point of view, but they are not such as to commend themselves to the eyes of common men; the stage upon which her tragedies are played is of the soul, not of the senses. She not only demands an apprehension which is denied to the many, but she demands also that they forget the language which is natural to them, and learn the language which is natural to her..." (qtd. in Giordano 28-29)

We love a take-down that doesn't realize it's a compliment. Look, I am not a defender of incomprehensibility or inaccessibility for their own sake or as a definitive measure of value, merit, or skill, but to call her method "faulty" seems a fundamental distortion of what poetry can and should do/be (which is many things!). 

Work Cited

Giordano, Matthew. “‘A Lesson from’ the Magazines: Sarah Piatt and the Postbellum Periodical Poet.” American Periodicals: A Journal of History, Criticism, and Bibliography, vol. 16, no. 1, 2006, pp. 23–51. EBSCOhost.

"The Hand Song"

7 December 2022: 

"And he knew it was love
It was one he could understand
He was showing his love
And that's how he hurt his hands"

25 hours later...

6 December 2022: Still reeling from yesterday's shock. I would have said goodbye to him this coming Thursday (just yesterday morning, I booked the vet appointment), but I thought I'd have just a bit more time. A few more evenings. Some more time holding him. 

I just wish I had been here with him. 

He didn't just pass away in his sleep (which I actually prayed for maybe 10 minutes before getting home and finding him). He was in some distress and I wasn't here. (He was always here for me.) That kills me. And I know it's not my fault and that it was one bad ending for a nice, long life, but I wasn't here and he needed me. 

Last night was the first time I've ever slept in this house without him. In fact, in all the time I had him, unless I was traveling, he never spent a night away from me. With the exception of when he had his bladder stone surgery and was gone most of the day, I've never pulled into the house (or my apartments) without him here waiting for me. This tiny cat took up so much space. It's cavernous and so quiet without him.

Grateful for Veronica, who seems okay enough and just made a snore-y, stretchy noise across the room. My little, standoffish, and coy blessing.

Wes

5 December 2022: Lost my GrayBaby today. Broken-hearted. Will miss this sweet boy so much. He loved me so much and I always felt so privileged because of that--even unworthy. 

This picture from a year ago came up in my Facebook "memories" today. My sweet little shadow.

Book club...

4 December 2022: A lot on my mind today and into tonight, so it was nice to have the hour-plus book club meeting via Zoom this evening (discussing Flying Solo). Here for all the reminders of the good things in my life, including these friends. 

Getting in the spirit...

3 December 2022: Jam-packed day: a bit of grading in the morning, Shepherdstown Christmas Parade, lunch with three of my favorite former students (Claudia, Alex, and Linnea), putting up Christmas lights and decorations at home, and then a basketball game. Now little chores and errands. Didn't get as much grading done as I might have liked, but sometimes that's okay, especially when you need to get in the spirit. Not sure how well that part's working (getting in the spirit), but I'm trying.

Sigma Tau Delta Party

2 December 2022: Another Sigma Tau Delta Holiday Party is in the books. Once again, we did it on campus and I think it went really well. A small crowd, but a good one. And Hannah showed up, which meant Tim and I got to hang out with our BabyGirl. Just what I needed after a long week.

Veronica at the vet...

1 December 2022: Today has been a tremendously emotional day--really lovely moments and some potentially crushing news (not about me; I'm okay). Can't talk about that last bit yet, so I'll just focus on the wild beginning: Veronica's annual vet visit. As always, the hardest part was catching her. These (hilarious) photos are from when we were in the exam room, waiting for the doctor to come in. Pretty shortly after, she calmed down, cuddled up to me, and behaved like an angel for the doctor. Like always, I pet her more this day than any other day of the year.

Cheerleading works...

30 November 2022: A student who transferred to Shepherd just this semester and has been taking two classes with me has struggled a bit. She's so insecure about her abilities but has finally come around to asking for help and coming to office hours. I think it's making a difference. And I have been telling her (again and again), "You can do this! You have good ideas!"

Today she gave me a little Christmas gift. Inside was a very nice card that read, in part, "You believed in me better than my own parent." The thing is, I don't think I did that much, so she's probably being too nice. (And it makes me feel bad that she didn't feel supported before.) 

But my goodness: what an absolute privilege is it sometimes to do this work. 

"My sensitivity is my strength."

29 November 2022: This post's title comes from something one of the students in our GWST 201 class shared today as we talked about their reflective essays and started to wrap up the semester. Some excerpts from other students: 

• "I'm writing about how this class gave me confidence."
• "Sometimes you have to break the rules to make a change."
• "I realized I have to hold myself accountable when I see injustice."
• "I learned that I have to keep learning."
• "This class helped me understand my past experiences better."

What a gift these students are! 

"...while you rest"

28 November 2022: I've had the absolute pleasure of having an older student (late 60s/early 70s) audit my Victorian Literature class this semester. He's been wonderful--and insists on doing all the work (which he doesn't have to do.) 

Today, he handed in his critical essay (early, by the way). He said, "A little something to do in your free time," and then laughed. The he added that when he was a boy, he used to work for his uncle. When he would take a break, his uncle would hand him more work to do, saying, "Here's something for you to do while you rest." We laughed some more, even as I thought about how much I do that to myself: "Here's a task you can work on when you are watching TV. Here's the thing I can read when I take my bath before bed." Good joke that also made think a bit. 

Flying Solo

27 November 2022: I haven't finished it yet--50 pages to go--but I am enjoying Linda Holmes' Flying Solo so much. When it was my turn to pick the book for the newly revived book club that I am in, I really wanted something lighter and fun. Boy, does this fit the bill. It's delightful. And again, I have that feeling of the book upstairs on the nightstand, tugging at me to get back to it. The best--especially at a time when everything else feels so hard. 

Today's (cute) obstacles and distractions...

26 November 2022: Trying to get some work done today and avoiding the office for two reasons: 1) there's a big old football game on campus, which means parking is a challenge and 2) I want to keep an eye on Wesley. Wesley is completely fine with this development, as he is more clingy than he has been in some time. Either that, or he's as clingy as he's always been and I just too willing to indulge him. Regardless, when he's up in your face like this, it's hard to get work done.

How can one write under these conditions, with his little face tucked into my hand?

How can one type in these conditions, with his little paw on the touchpad and his slumber so easily distrubed?

Veronica is also distracting, albeit in different ways. Snapped these earlier today, when gently yelling at her NOT to chew the decades-old fake-flowery thing in this Thanksgiving decoration that used to be my nana's. I ended up winning this battle, but I think it was because I looked away and if she can't play a mind game with me, sometimes she just gives up.

Having just very gently and and successfully relocated Wesley to the couch, I am going to move upstairs to try to get some work done there. 

This is all faux complaining, of course. Blessed and grateful for these adorable, distracting obstacles. 

"Are there any lives of women?"

25 November 2022: Just a little excerpt from Stowe's The Pearl of Orr's Island: Mara asks Mr. Sewell about Plutarch's Lives, "Are there any lives of women?" He answers, "No, my dear...in the old times, women did not get their lives written, though I don't doubt many of them were much better worth writing than the men's."

Joan D. Hedrick uses this passage and the epigraph to Harriet Beecher Stowe: A Life, which is a pretty terrific choice in so many ways.

Thanksgiving 2022

24 November 2022:

His biggest (cat) fan...

23 November 2022: I feel like we are getting close to the end with Wes and I kind can't bear to type about it right now. (He's still eating and purring and happy, but there are some new signs.) 

I can list so many ways this will be crushing, but I am sad right now thinking about how Veronica will miss him. It's wild because he is so mean to her and she has to sneak up to get close to him. She jumped up here after he was settled and kind of asleep. If she gets too close, he might hiss at her. But she is tenacious. She will get up and follow him out of a room. She tries so hard. It's too much to think about her without him. 

She'll be okay. I'll be okay. But it will be hard. 

Basketball time...

22 November 2022: Lots and lots on my mind today, but an unquestionably good part of the day was watching the women's basketball team play their home opener. They didn't win--it's a rebuilding year, so it will be a rough one--but it was so great to see them back in action. Lately, it seems so much threatens to overwhelm me, but seeing those women play is an unqualified "good" and gives me a couple hours of peace.

The Menu

21 November 2022: Snuck away from papers to grade, administrative work to do, and housework to get done to see The Menu today. What a fun, weird movie! Had a blast watching it. 

Home to my boy...

20 November 2022: I could have crashed at Tim and Kevin's last night--even brought an overnight bag (at their insistence) in case I needed it. But I sure do like sleeping in my own bed. And, I as inelegantly explained to them last night, it's harder and harder to leave Wes alone for long periods. My reasons are almost completely ridiculous and of my own making, but he does get clingy and upset when he's on his own too much. And there are tiny signs we are getting closer to the end. 

So, I came home. And he proceeded to barely notice? Hilarious.

Today, though, he's back to his usual shadow-status. No complaints on my end.

Break hang-out...

19 November 2022: 

[Catch-up post]

Hung out at Tim and Kevin's until late last night. Hannah and Cory were there, too. So fun, so cozy. Perfect way to start off the break.

The kids got jokes...

18 November 2022: Limping (metaphorically) into Thanksgiving Break, but we did it. A whole lot of today (and this week) was spent meeting one-on-one with students working on their final projects. This is important and tiring work, but they keep me on my toes, especially when they have jokes.

Shot of confidence...

17 November 2022: Spent some time today meeting with a student who--like so many students (especially young women!) I work with--just doesn't believe in her abilities. I said to her--and have said to many others like her)--"I wish I could give you an injection of confidence! Get you to see what I see..." 

I see a younger version of myself in her and young women like her. I told her the story about a graduate class I took in my second semester of M.A. work and how out of my element I felt. That class drove me to tears. And even talking about it today, I found myself getting emotional again, the memory was so powerful. 

Of course, there isn't a magical shot to get these women to believe in themselves, but I am hoping that among the voices in their heads telling them they can't do it, they can hear mine, saying they can. 

(Yikes, this is a cheesy post, esp. the end, but I am tired and sentimental this evening.) 

The good stuff...

15 November 2022: Another long day today--completely booked without a break built in from 10:00 until after 5:00. But the last meeting of the day, with a Gender and Women's Studies student, was a highlight. She came in to talk about her paper, but spent twenty minutes after that just wanting to talk about how much the class had been blowing her mind (in good ways). She was nearly giddy talking about it. 

I could feel my eyes looking bleary, with piles of work around me, knowing I'd be on campus until nearly 7:00, but there was no way I was rushing this kid off. This was, after all, the good stuff. 

First flurries...

15 November 2022: Though the morning was nice (if cold), it turned into a rainy day--and then (briefly) a snowy day. And then back to rain. And then, by time I left campus at 6:00, an icy and sleety day. Yuck. But grateful for a warm coat, seat warmers in my car, and a warm house to come home to. 

Walgreen's tonight...

14 November 2022: As I was about to pay for my purchase at Walgreen's this evening, an angry woman came walking over to the register, upset that the pharmacy was closed. In her defense, the hours at this location have changed a lot over the past year, having been cut way back. She was certain they were open until 6:30, but apparently on Monday, they close at 6:00. (The pharmacist actually walked out of the store as she walked in, but she didn't notice.)

"My husband is very, very sick," she said. "He needs these pills." She also did a bit of cursing. It seemed for a moment, that it could get...dramatic. 

I just sort of stepped aside and let her say what she needed to say to the cashier and the other worker on duty. They were both was kind and professional to her, though they couldn't give great advice. The woman on line behind me and I shared some ideas: call the other location that's still open, explain what you need, etc. 

The woman said--more than once--that she wasn't mad at the people at the register. She knew it wasn't their fault. But she was mad and upset and stressed. "He's very, very sick," she said again. And she cursed some more, too. But she thanked everyone and apologized. She was so frazzled and seemed overwhelmed. 

She left saying she would give the Martinsburg location a call. I hope she got what she needed.

After she walked out, I got to pay for my purchase and told the cashier that she and the other worker handled it so well--so kindly. I think some folks might have matched her rhetoric and tone (esp. when she was dropping f-bombs), but they didn't. They were professional, but kind. And whereas I would have, perhaps, in the past, not said a word, especially when she was so heated, I felt better gently trying to help. 

I think I'll remember this for some time--the simple decision everyone made to act with kindness, to not escalate, to try to help. Sure, we maybe do this all the time (I try to?), but it was nice to see it happen in this moment and across the board. 

Will say some prayers for this woman and her husband tonight. 

Interrupting buddy...

13 November 2022: Two Wes posts in a row, but a) they do a good job of capturing a work-filled weekend and b) they do a good job representing two of this three modes these days: sleeping and being sweetly needy and demanding. (The third is begging for food.) 

Honestly can't believe I finished everything on my list and wasn't miserable doing it. 

Sleepy buddy...

12 November 2022: Work-filled day, but a pretty good one, especially with this guy snoozing by my side. 

A decade of Krista...

11 November 2022: Krista turned 10 today, which is hard to believe. When I spoke to her today, I said, "I can't believe it's been ten years since you arrived!" 

"Neither can I!" she said.

"A decade!"

"A decade of Krista!" she added. 

Love that kid so much. 

"Good [electric?] fences make good neighbors..."

10 November 2022: One of the students in GWST today brought up her neighbor as an example of someone whose actions don't always match his politics. "He's racist, homophobic, all that...but he helped me put up my electric fence..." I nearly cried laughing at the very West Virginia take on Frost's "Mending Wall." 

Deep sigh of relief/deep sigh of fatigue

9 November 2022: 

[Catch-up post...]

Stayed up too late Tuesday night following election news once it was clear that the news was going to be good (though still not good enough, of course), which meant that I paid the price a bit on Wednesday. And Wednesday was another long day and I literally forgot to post something--even though it was on my list. Thus, this is a catch-up post. I think it works because it's a pretty good record of Wednesday. Ha.

Election Day

8 November 2022: When will Election Day not fill me with existential dread? Anyway, here's a poem that helped me today even as it makes me sob.

Getting proposals approved...

7 November 2022: Today I met with three of out the five students in my Victorian Lit class whose proposals for their critical essays needed some work before I signed off on them. In other words, the proposals they handed in on Friday had not yet been approved. 

Each of them walked in feeling nervous and scared, I think, but by the time they left, they felt better and even (I hope? think?) energized. These meetings--where we talk about ideas, hammer out a rough outline, and even work on a tentative thesis--are a lot of work but are often so much fun. I get to show them that they have good ideas and hunches, that their interests are valid, and that they have things to say. It rocks. 

The Winter's Tale

6 November 2022: I saw the Rude Mechanicals' production of The Winter's Tale this afternoon and found myself moved to tears--something I wasn't expecting. When Leontes is so cruel--when he refuses to believe the his wife, his advisors, his friends, and even the oracle, even as everyone begs him to--it was too much: the misogyny, the tyranny, the refusal to admit when you are wrong. It's just too real in our modern moment. I saw a production years and years ago when I was at Oxford, but I sure didn't respond to it this way. It's a strange, strange play...perhaps sadly perfect for right now. 

"Someone You Used to Know"

5 November 2022: 

"Or how we used to argue
'Bout who loved who the most. 
Well I guess I won that one
'Cause I still need you so..."

High-impact...

4 November 2022: So cool to have Emma Copley Eisenberg visit my ENGL 301 class today. Talk about a "high-impact learning experience." 

Staying or going...

3 November 2022: Had a great conversation today with my Gender and Women's Studies students about Junot Diaz's "Drown" and that tension between staying and going (or feeling stuck versus escaping) that so many of them are so familiar with as West Virginians. "That's the gift of literature," I said, "that people from rural West Virginia can relate to a Dominican-American kid in urban New Jersey." (I've blogged about this before. It comes up often in literature classes, in fact.)

I mentioned that Emma Copley Eisenberg, the author of this year's Common Reading, The Third Rainbow Girl, make a similar point about young West Virginians in her book, specifically voiced by a Shepherd alum (a transgender man towards whom the place can seem so hostile). Tonight, during the Q&A after her lecture, Eisenberg mentioned that she think cities and rural areas are actually alike in that you often put up with a lot of misery to stay in this place you love. That point seems spot-on to me.

A simple request...

2 November 2022: "May I cut off the head of dead Miss Lucy?” This line from Dracula, as Van Helsing asks Arthur if he can cut off his dead fiancé's head, never fails to make students laugh. The entire section we discussed today in Victorian Lit is wild and so much fun.

"The Revolt of Mother" and "A New England Nun"

1 November 2022: Had a blast today talking about two Mary Wilkins Freeman stories with the GWST class. They are a great group this semester--very understanding of nuance and enthusiastic about the material. It's been a joy working with them.

Morning boosts...

31 October 2022: Kind of inexplicably woke up at 5:00 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Weird morning anxiety that just wouldn't let me settle. So I got to campus very early--saw the sun just starting to rise as I got out of my car and then paused to watch it come up. Headed out for my walk about an hour later, still feeling not great. But the Lord provided some mood boosts. 

First, the early morning sun on the river and the autumn leaves by the monument just stopped me.

Then, as I was still walking, I got this from Erin:

The day was still a weird one and the vibes still aren't great, but those two moments and images made and make me smile and fill me with gratitude.  

Sunday evening...

30 October 2022: Nothing like a Sunday evening--especially in the fall, when it gets dark early and the chill sets in--to bring up all the negative thoughts and anxieties. From what I understand, what I feel is different than other peoples' "Sunday Scaries"--which involve a kind of dread of going back to the work week. Rather, I know I will feel better tomorrow because I'll be around people and distracted. I don't think I ever feel lonelier than these kinds of nights. And being alone on dark evenings leads to Big Thoughts.  

I'm okay--it will be fine, but it's just a pattern I really hate and can't seem to break. Grateful for Wes, BabyCat, and good TV. 

Easy-ish Saturday

29 October 2022: Open House early this morning (went well!), some work this afternoon (mostly reading), some chores and laundry, and a movie on the couch tonight. Still not perfect in terms of recharging, but not too bad, either. I really needed a mostly chill day, so this works. And tomorrow? No alarm! 

His name is, apparently, Douglas...

28 October 2022: Made a new friend tonight at the Sigma Tau Delta Halloween Party. Exhausted after two 13+ hours days on campus, but the party was fun. I said to Tim, as we started to pack up to head home, "Hey, these are those 'high impact' educational experiences that matter!" Ha.

Spring advising

27 October 2022: I know I have posted about this before (and recently!), but advising started today and I got to sit with a transfer student (and new-to-me advisee) and help her see how she can graduate on time. It's so cool to see them relax and see how everything is manageable. With patience and clarity, you get to demystify the process. 

"Are you feeling better yet?" I asked her about half-way through. "Yes, I think so..."

And when we were done, with three semesters mapped out and instructions for who she needed to talk to in other departments, I asked her, "How are you feeling now?" 

"So much better. Thank you!"

Shew, that's the STUFF!

"No, Thank You, John"

26 October 2022: Holy cow, did the students love this Christina Rossetti poem today. They made me appreciate it more than ever. And these comparisons from them made even more sense.

Indeed, we were all wearing pants...

25 October 2022: "Are we all wearing pants today?" --me, to my Gender and Women's Studies class today. To clarify, we were discussing Fanny Fern's "A Law More Nice Than Just."

"The Awakening Consciousness"

24 October 2022: Spent some time in class today talking about this painting as part of our larger discussion of the Pre-Raphaelite poets. The students did a pretty good job with this material, especially given that I often find myself struggling a bit to teach it. They (the Pre-Raphaelites) are such an interesting, confusing, contradictory bunch. 

53,465

23 October 2022: Two years and one day before the manuscript is due, I am at 53,465 words (so clearly over 1/3 through), having just finished the entry on Kate Chopin. This was another tough one to wrestle with, but I suspect that had as much to do with 1000 other things to do. But it's done. And now we do some chair-dancing, to this track that came on as I updated my back-up files. (And then hit "repeat" more than once.)

"The Victorian Taylor Swift..."

22 October 2022: "If I may be so bold, Christina Rossetti is the Victorian Era's version of an absolute icon." --a student in my class, writing about Rossetti in her paper. 

It's sometimes hard to predict what will land for students, but I find it kind of delightful that at least two--the student named above and another whose paper gave me this post's title--are really into Rossetti. 

Actually doing the "break" part of Fall Break

21 October 2022: Didn't get nearly as much done today as I planned, but I also got a lot done. There's some family stuff that is really weighing on my mind and took up some considerable time today, too. So I am calling it: as of 7:34 tonight, I am done for the day. Just going to watch a dumb movie and take the night off. It's okay. 

Advising prep...

20 October 2022: It's a Fall (and Spring) Break tradition--me going through degree evaluations and planning for my advising sessions, which always start the week after break. Since I really like advising, I don't mind this work, which I usually do with something on TV in the background (in this case, the Yankee playoff game). 

It's neat to work through my checklists, marking off accomplishments and progress, seeing students inch closer to the finish line. This semester includes some nice milestones: a very sweet advisee finally passing Praxis I, another arriving at the stage where our appointment is just me saying, "You did it. Have fun student teaching next semester." 

Also exciting to break out some fresh forms for brand-new students, with their whole Shepherd experience only now unfolding.

Fall Break!

19 October 2022: Made it to Fall Break! I am going to get some more work done tonight while watching the Yankee game and I have a ton to get done by Monday, but I am looking forward to two days with no appointments and meetings.  

We Were Three

18 October 2022: "This was how the big shift started happening in Rachel's head: her family's secrets stopped feeling like secrets. They just felt like lies. Lies that protected other people. Not her." --Nancy Updike in episode two of We Were Three 

Man, I devoured this three-episode podcast. I just loved it, found it so relatable, and so moving. 

Just need to see it...

17 October 2022: Thinking this evening about something that keeps getting clearer, even if that clarity is sad and painful. There's something there that makes me grateful--and determined to see what's right in front of me. 

Dinner with Brandon

16 October 2022: Brandon (Vogel's partner) is in the area this week for work, so we met up at Spice Connexion in Martinsburg for dinner. Given that almost all of today was catching up on what I couldn't do yesterday and what I needed to do today, it felt good to do something this weekend that was just for fun and leisure. And he's such a good dude: solid, kind, strong, funny, warm. Makes me very grateful that they have each other. 

F. Scott Fitzgerald Festival

15 October 2022: Spent the day at the F. Scott Fitzgerald Literary Festival in Rockville, MD with four of our fantastic English majors. We volunteered to help with registration, workshops, and hospitality. And we got to meet Richard Powers, Alice McDermott, and Kim Stanley Robinson.

Founders Day 2022

14 October 2022: 

Back to Cranford

13 October 2022: "All through tea-time her talk ran upon the days of her childhood and youth.  Perhaps this reminded her of the desirableness of looking over all the old family letters, and destroying such as ought not to be allowed to fall into the hands of strangers; for she had often spoken of the necessity of this task, but had always shrunk from it, with a timid dread of something painful.  Tonight, however, she rose up after tea and went for them—in the dark; for she piqued herself on the precise neatness of all her chamber arrangements, and used to look uneasily at me when I lighted a bed-candle to go to another room for anything.  When she returned there was a faint, pleasant smell of Tonquin beans in the room.  I had always noticed this scent about any of the things which had belonged to her mother; and many of the letters were addressed to her—yellow bundles of love-letters, sixty or seventy years old." --Elizabeth Gaskell, Cranford

My Victorian Literature class has moved onto Cranford. I re-read the passage above this morning, in preparation for tomorrow's class. 

It's been an emotional week, with me thinking about Ryan (whose birthday was Sunday) and my family, the happy stuff, the hard stuff, the pain that lasts. I think last week's celebration of life is also still on my mind. Everyone, everything just feels so fragile and fleeting. 

Anyway, that bit about those letters--that still smell of Miss Matty's mother long after she's gone? It got to me. Teared up right at my desk and later this afternoon when talking to a student about it. It's just such a perfect bit of writing. 

Trading monkeys...

12 October 2022: Just before 6:00 tonight, I sent off the documents that complete my work on the current strategic plan implementation committee, getting a monkey off my back. I never really wanted to be on this committee. The President asked me to do it in a time of great stress and change for our school. So I said yes. It added time and stress to my schedule for the past three years. Like herding cats, to mix my animal metaphors. I tried to get some people who should have been doing it to take it over--or get anyone to take it, really. Didn't work. That kind of broke my heart. 

But now it's done. It feels pretty good.

Unfortunately, yesterday I learned that now that we are starting a new strategic plan, I am--by the university's darn constitution--bound to serve on that committee as Faculty Senate President. So, remove one monkey, add one more. 

But for now, there will be a few days (weeks?) of having one fewer monkey. I'll take it. 

"I was not born to drown / Baby, come on..."

11 October 2022: Big old overwhelming day. Found myself listening to this on repeat a couple of times, maybe doing some wishful thinking about just getting in the car and driving off for a while... Kind of helped? (Posted about this song way back in 2017, too.) 

Family Feud

10 October 2022: Had a blast playing Family Feud with Alpha Phi Omega as Shepherd kicked off Homecoming Week. And heck yeah, we won!

Fall 2022 Midterm Grades: DONE!

9 October 2022: Just hit "submit" on the last set of midterm grades. It's been a strange semester so far, perhaps the lingering effects of starting it off by missing the first week. Lots of stress and endless huge to-do lists, too. But the teaching part? It still rocks.

Chair-dancing time...

Smile

8 October 2022: Saw a movie in the theater for the first time in months, joining Hannah and Cory in Winchester to see Smile (which was fun and dumb and scary enough). Afterwards, we had lunch and just talked and laughed. Perfect way to spend a big chunk of the afternoon--even with big old stacks of work waiting at home. 

Connor

7 October 2022: 

[Catch-up post...]

Right after work yesterday, I drove to Shippensburg for a Celebration of Life event for the stepson of one of my friends/colleagues from work. I never met her son, who died back in April, and don't really know her family well, but she invited me and I wanted to honor that and honor him. 

It was so lovely--family and friends gathered at a park. The kids ran and played and the adults sat together, ate, talked, cried, and laughed. I caught up with some folks I used to work with. 

That's the kind of event I'd like for myself: people gathering together to remember what makes life sweet.

Great Cake

6 October 2022: From a bit earlier this week...me pointing to a tiny plastic rat sticking its head out of my student's reproduction if Miss Havisham's wedding cake. What a delight!

Weight lifted...

5 October 2022: With some great advice from Hannah, I managed to work up the courage to say "no" to something work-related that I originally said "yes" to. I sent the email about it last night, but got the (predictable), "I understand/it's okay" email in response today, so I am counting it as content for today's post. I can't say how much better I felt just sending the message--like a huge weight had been lifted. Gotta try to remember this moving forward, esp. for something like this was--essentially not a big deal/reward, but would have felt so onerous.  

62!

4 October 2022: Aaron Judge just hit home run #62 and I am all teary-eyed. I remember him hitting a home run in his very first MLB at-bat. Love this game so much. 

Early autumn nights...

3 October 2022: Fall is not my favorite season. I don't like that it gets dark earlier, that you have to close the windows, that winter is next. 

But I realize one thing I like about some of these early autumn nights: when I got home today (at nearly 6:30), I put on my comfy clothes, did some chores, heated up some of last night's soup, and settled down. I pulled a blanket over my lap, turned on some comfort TV, sat with Wesley, and just leaned into the cozy. Feeling that warmth and comfort settle in--in contrast to the damp cool outside--was pretty nice, a metaphor of what home can feel like. 

"We would have every arbitrary barrier thrown down..."

2 October 2022: Finished my entry on Transcendentalism today. I joked to Hannah earlier that it was a bear of an entry--but a little bear that I had neglected. But it's done so that's that. 

It took me awhile, but I figured out how use one of my favorite lines from Margaret Fuller's Woman in the Nineteenth Century: “We would have every arbitrary barrier thrown down. We would have every path laid open to Woman as freely as to Man" (20). There's something timeless about her rhetoric here--which is also kind of depressing because women (and other marginalized folks) keep having to make this demand. 

Work Cited

Fuller, Margaret. Woman in the Nineteenth-Century. Edited by Larry J. Reynolds, W.W. Norton and Company, 1998. 

"against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness..."

1 October 2022: "According to my experience, the conventional notion of a lover cannot be always true. The unqualified truth is, that when I loved Estella with the love of a man, I loved her simply because I found her irresistible. Once for all; I knew to my sorrow, often and often, if not always, that I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. Once for all; I loved her none the less because I knew it, and it had no more influence in restraining me than if I had devoutly believed her to be human perfection." --Pip, in Great Expectations

Reading this with my Victorian Lit class and find myself struck--as always--by Dickens' insight and understanding here. 

Friday crashing...

30 September 2022: Home by 7:00 tonight (early for this week!) and have just crashed here with Wes and Veronica. Watched some fun TV, ate some pizza, and just crashed. Listening to the last inning of the Yankees game and then it's sleepy time. 

(Also: turned the heat on for the first time this season, a bit earlier than I would like, but it's rainy out and the house was at 63 when I got home. Fall is, in fact, here.)

Little dance break...

29 September 2022: Third super-long day in a row. About mid-way through, I found myself pretty tired and my foot wasn't feeling great (plantar fasciitis acting up). Dashing off to another meeting, I put this song on my iPod and did a little dance out of my office and down the hall. (No one saw me.) Felt pretty good and re-energized. Footloose soundtrack never fails.

"earn my shelf place"

28 September 2022: "It's a good way to earn my shelf place on the planet." --Barbara Kingsolver tonight, explaining why she writes.

Still find myself feeling blessed and amazed that my job gives me the opportunity to do things like meet and then introduce Kingsolver to a packed room of her fans tonight. A gift and privilege to hear her speak.

Annual visit...

27 September 2022: Saw my women's healthcare provider today for my annual visit. These visits are never fun, but I kept thinking today how grateful I am to have coverage, a wonderful provider, and access to health care--including the referral for my yearly mammogram. It can be easy to see these appointments and procedures as unpleasant chores, but what a luxury take them for granted enough to see them that way. 

Ten minute pause

26 September 2022: When I got home just after 6:00, Wesley greeted me with his insistent yells. I scooped him right up--and he is so slight these days, you barely feel him--and, on a whim, took him out on the back deck. We stood and then sat out there for a good ten minutes, listening to the birds and smelling the air. Kind of perfect after a busy day. 

Flight Behavior

25 September 2022: “…she was thinking of Preston when he came home from school. He would sit on the edge of a chair and watch those pillowcases for all he was worth. He’d race to tell her each time another sleeper struggled from its stupor to begin the slow climb, pressed between the soft walls of fabric. She and Preston would cheer for the stragglers, because at the end of the day, it was something they could do. Count the living and the dead, and do the math” --Barbara Kingsolver, Flight Behavior

In preparation for Kingsolver's visit to Shepherd this week, I've been thinking about this book quite a bit, particularly this section, where Dellarobia imagines watching frozen butterflies wake up and emerge. I feel like our world is in this position now: waiting, watching, counting.

Appalachian Heritage Festival

24 September 2022: Had a very nice evening with my parents at the Appalachian Heritage Festival on campus. Felt good to share this with them on a lovely early Fall night. 

Teamwork

23 September 2022: Been carrying around some big emotions about a work-related task and not sure how to move forward. Yesterday I realized that talking with Tim about it--and enlisting his help--would maybe be the right step. Waited all day today until we were both free to talk about it. Felt a bit of the weight lifting from my shoulders as we talked. We've got a plan and I am reminded--for the thousandth time this year, I think--how lucky I am to work with him. 

Strategic planning...

22 September 2022: Got a lot done today on campus today (not enough, but a lot!). Got a flu shot after work. Came home and mowed the lawn. (These Thursday evening mows have been really nice--three weeks in a row with great weather and good vibes for getting it done.) Did some more reading. Now I am watching the Yankees (could Aaron Judge hit 61 tonight?) and getting ready to do a bit more grading. 

I don't like doing too many of these laundry list posts, but they seems dominant lately. 

And really, there's just one moment I keep thinking about: a phone conversation with one of my favorite colleagues where I thanked her for all she's done on this huge project that got dumped into her lap. In a much lesser role, it got dumped on me, too, and it's not been great--and there hasn't been much recognition. So maybe that was on my mind, too, when I thanked her for all she's done--and she's been through some stuff along the way--and literally felt myself getting emotional. Like, I know my voice changed and she could sense it. It was silly, perhaps, to feel that way over something as dumb as this project is. But I am glad I let her know that I saw her, appreciated her, and am so grateful for her. I hope it helped. 

1001

21 September 2022: Making it to day 1001 of my streak was the easiest part of my day, even with the old plantar fasciitis acting up and with a really full calendar. 

It's just a rough time. 

Here's what's getting me through: my students, friends like Hannah and Tim, Wes (and BabyCat, ha), podcasts, nighttime TV, and walks. So much else is just...trash.

And making that list--and realizing how many other ways I am so blessed--also gets me through it.

1000!

20 September 2022: Today marks 1000 straight days of 10K steps or more. Feels really cool and kind of unbelievable. Lots of good luck and careful planning involved. And stubbornness. We'll see how far it goes. 

Sonnets from the Portuguese

19 September 2022: Had a pretty good discussion with my Victorian lit class about a couple of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's famous sonnets. First, we acknowledged them for what they are--absolutely devoted love poems from someone who has it bad. It was also fun talk about how she works within yet stretches the form. I particularly find myself drawn to the single word sentence in line 6 of this one. So surprising and arresting. 

WISH Reception

18 September 2022: Weirdly busy day today--kind of non-stop until about an hour ago: working in the office, running some errands, and then heading the WISH reception. My goodness, just like last year, there's really no other event like it.

Quiet Saturday...

17 September 2022: Feels like this Saturday is just what I needed. It's not been perfect, but it's been restful, productive, and just chill. The gorgeous weather helps. I slept in a bit, took a walk, finished a draft of the Lazarus entry (which ended up being pretty difficult, mentally), did some laundry and cleaning, did some assistant dean work, and some other odds and ends. Now I'm watching new Handmaid's Tale episodes while trying to decide what to make for dinner. I want to get some more work done for my Victorian lit class, too, maybe while the Yankees are on. All good. Deep breaths. All good. 

Pizza party...

16 September 2022: Ended a long week with a fun event--a little pizza party with Sigma Tau Delta welcoming our new majors. 

I am so tired, but this was really fun and a reminder that the students (and Tim) are the best parts of the job--the parts that never feel so much like "work."

And, I get TWO days in a row with no alarm. 

Got it all done...

15 September 2022: Holy cow: the amount of stuff I still had on my list when I got home at 6:30 today--after being on campus since 7:30 and being in meetings and conferences with students for all but two hours (spent on grading and Senate work). Work still to be done included mowing the lawn, making dinner, the daily chores, going over some materials for an early meeting tomorrow morning, and preparing for my Victorian lit class tomorrow afternoon.

I have--and this is not a joke--exactly 20 minutes tomorrow between 9 and 5 that aren't filled with meetings, classes, or student conferences. I am tired just thinking about it.  

But! As of about 10:00 p.m. tonight, I am done with today's list and ready for tomorrow. (This will make Wesley--who is currently screaming at me--a bit happier.)

Sweet and sad...

14 September 2022: Went to a friend's mom's visitation this evening after a long day at work. I've been thinking about how sweetness and sadness go together and fuel each other sometimes--at least to people witnessing love and loss from the outside. I am too mentally tired to say too much about this, but I said as much to my friend this evening. I never met her mom, but I knew enough about their relationship to know that they loved each other very much and had gotten through a lot of challenges, which made that love and their relationship much sweeter (looking in). And then, again, witnessing it, that sweetness amplifies the sadness. I don't know...just on my mind.  

Morning photo pause

13 September 2022: Another really long day, but knowing that it would be, I made myself stop and take a picture of the gorgeous sky on this gorgeous day on my walk this morning. Paused for a moment afterwards, smelled the air, and just took it in, grateful for such beauty.

President's Lecture Series

12 September 2022: Heard a great President's Lecture tonight about Fort Ritchie. I was delighted that a bunch of my students showed up (with the promise of extra credit) and seemed to really enjoy themselves. I think I'll offer extra credit for every one of these, regardless of subject. This particular experience ought to be part of their larger university experience. 

Pretend fencing...

11 September 2022: I was up on campus a big chunk of today, getting some work done, but also realizing I won't meet my goals for the week/month when it comes to work on the book. And other stuff just keeps coming and piling up. It didn't (doesn't) feel great. 

There was this moment, when I was walking down the hall of Knutti, I found myself biting my nails and realized I had bitten a bunch of them down. And then, kind of out of nowhere, I thought of Ryan, and how for his entire life, he bit his nails--sometimes really low. And Lord help me, I fought the urge to double over and cry. I hadn't thought about this before, I guess--that on top of the feelings of inadequacy, depression, and probable ADHD that drove so much of his life--anxiety and uneasiness must have been all along, too. I thought about him as a little boy, feeling these ways, as a young adult feeling these ways...feeling this way until the end, probably. 

So often when I think about him, I wish Adult Me could go back and help him when he was young. 

I'm okay and I'll be fine. Already made peace with revising the goals and getting over it. And I am telling myself this past week was a bear, this week will be, too, but after that, there won't be many more like them. And I didn't dwell in the sadness of thinking about my brother for too long.

A couple of hours later, I went out for my walk and just as I was heading back into Knutti, I saw a dad and his daughter (probably about 9 or 10 years old?) playing in the garden out back. They were on the outcrop of rocks that sticks out of the ground, pretending to be fencing each other. No sticks and swords--all imagination. It was so sweet and pure and right now, even with some tears that came from writing about Ryan above, that memory makes me smile.

I am not sure how the two moments are connected except that they both happened today. And today, of course, is a day about remembering, mourning, and thinking about what gives life value and meaning as we keep moving forward. 

Writers Conference

10 September 2022: Another long day on campus today, but I did get to hang out with some wonderful current students (volunteering at the Writers Conference) and one wonderful former student, who helps run the whole thing these day.

Friday fatigue...

9 September 2022: Long day and I am bone tired. I know that's the opposite of yesterday's vibe, but I don't think this exhaustion is COVID-related, at least not completely. Just a "normal" 14 hour day on campus at the end of a long week (even with Monday off). But there were some good parts: my classes (duh), some good student meetings, a nice reception for the new provost, and working another event with English majors as volunteers. 

Need to be back on campus at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow and not thrilled about that (day two of that event, so an 8-5 shift on a Saturday), but trying to focus on the good stuff. 

Energy levels: up!

8 September 2022: Today was definitely better than yesterday, with some good unexpected news about the University's proposed mission statement (it sounds silly, but it matters), a good meeting about the National Writing Project, and some decent work accomplished on my entry on Emma Lazarus. Moreover, I got to address one thing weighing on my mind all week: mowing the lawn. It was too hot or rainy to do it this weekend and too busy for me to do it the rest of the week. And it was getting long, which makes me anxious, especially since I don't have time to do it tomorrow or Saturday (work stuff). But I made it home by just before 5, the weather was almost perfect, the grass was pretty dry, and I got it done. 

Here's the part that makes me really pleased, though: after all of that--a long day, doing the lawn--I still have plenty of energy left, physical and mental. I made dinner, did some other chores, and then plowed through the rest of the items on my to-do list, finishing just after 10:00. I can't think of the last time--especially since COVID--that I've had the energy to go this hard. Feels good. 

Now, I am coughing a bit right now and that's not fun (and since I got COVID, a night of coughing usually means a sore throat and congestion to the next morning), but I'll take some medicine in a bit and hope for the best.

Anyway, here's some photo documentation of a certain GrayBaby who prefers a night where I don't keep working on the computer. He's doing his best to disrupt...