25 hours later...

6 December 2022: Still reeling from yesterday's shock. I would have said goodbye to him this coming Thursday (just yesterday morning, I booked the vet appointment), but I thought I'd have just a bit more time. A few more evenings. Some more time holding him. 

I just wish I had been here with him. 

He didn't just pass away in his sleep (which I actually prayed for maybe 10 minutes before getting home and finding him). He was in some distress and I wasn't here. (He was always here for me.) That kills me. And I know it's not my fault and that it was one bad ending for a nice, long life, but I wasn't here and he needed me. 

Last night was the first time I've ever slept in this house without him. In fact, in all the time I had him, unless I was traveling, he never spent a night away from me. With the exception of when he had his bladder stone surgery and was gone most of the day, I've never pulled into the house (or my apartments) without him here waiting for me. This tiny cat took up so much space. It's cavernous and so quiet without him.

Grateful for Veronica, who seems okay enough and just made a snore-y, stretchy noise across the room. My little, standoffish, and coy blessing.