Lost and found...

5 June 2025: Last fall, my old laptop just stopped working. I felt mostly okay about its abrupt exit because everything was backed up. But later, I realized a few things weren't including, almost all of my video files. 

I figured this out when I went looking for a series of videos of me arriving home from work and waking up Bing who had, by that time, gone deaf. He always woke up happy to see me and it made me happy. 

And they were gone. 

So, I was bummed.

Every once in a while, I would think, I should just try one more time to see if that old computer will turn on. Today, I finally tried. 

And it worked.

From October 2020, with bonus Wesley content that also made me smile and tear up. Those amazing boys...

You can be darn sure I backed those videos up. 

Nurse Jo

30 August 2024: Kind of a rough night, sleep-wise. Just restless and uncomfortable, though it's hard to describe why, but I kind of remember that from my first go-round with COVID. 

Feeling better today, I think, and recognizing other echoes of that experience two years ago, when my feline nurse was Wesley. Jo is so distinct from Wesley--entirely her own little self--but she is a worthy successor to him when it comes to comfort.

One year...

5 December 2023: One year without my GrayBaby. Some moments from that day are so vivid and others are like a fog. I still miss him and wish he was still here, but remain grateful for all the sweet time I had with him. I am also grateful for the bundle of love and mischief that is Jo. And for the secretly-sweet BabyCat who owns more of my heart than I ever could have expected. 

If I try to write more, I'll end up crying a bit and that will give me headache and I've still got too much to do. So, it's just enough to say that I love him and I miss him.

Jo and the tree...

13 April 2023: Came home this evening after a pretty good day on campus (got some good work done, gave a little speech at the Phi Kappa Phi induction) and opened the windows upstairs so Jo could look at the redbud tree. 

Reminded me of this photo of Wes from just over three years ago, in the early days of COVID, while we were finishing up the spring semester online.

Sidekick...

14 March 2022: A year ago, it was Wes sitting here with me, my permanent sidekick. I still miss him (and Bing) so much and the adjustments since Jo's arrival have been kind of hard at times. But when I look over and see her here--where the boys used to sit--it makes me feel very blessed.

Counter offender...

11 February 2023: Well, it took her awhile, but today Jo started jumping on the kitchen counters, which isn't great. One thing I realized the day she arrived: it has been so long since I've had a (non-semi-feral) kitten in the house that I am out of practice and keep bring surprised by what she gets into. And, as Jane suggested, maybe it's not best to have your kitten's name rhyme with "no." Ha. 

Good thing she's super-cute and loving and just a joy bomb running through this place. And seeing her play with Veronica? It fills my heart with such happiness. 

Facebook tells me this was three years ago today. It's a memory emblazoned in my mind. Miss my boy so much, but grateful for new life in the house.

Another little pawprint...

14 December 2022: Picked up Wesley's ashes and pawprint today. Just like with Bing, the pick up was emotional. And just like with Bing, that little pawprint is just so much to take in. 

25 hours later...

6 December 2022: Still reeling from yesterday's shock. I would have said goodbye to him this coming Thursday (just yesterday morning, I booked the vet appointment), but I thought I'd have just a bit more time. A few more evenings. Some more time holding him. 

I just wish I had been here with him. 

He didn't just pass away in his sleep (which I actually prayed for maybe 10 minutes before getting home and finding him). He was in some distress and I wasn't here. (He was always here for me.) That kills me. And I know it's not my fault and that it was one bad ending for a nice, long life, but I wasn't here and he needed me. 

Last night was the first time I've ever slept in this house without him. In fact, in all the time I had him, unless I was traveling, he never spent a night away from me. With the exception of when he had his bladder stone surgery and was gone most of the day, I've never pulled into the house (or my apartments) without him here waiting for me. This tiny cat took up so much space. It's cavernous and so quiet without him.

Grateful for Veronica, who seems okay enough and just made a snore-y, stretchy noise across the room. My little, standoffish, and coy blessing.

Wes

5 December 2022: Lost my GrayBaby today. Broken-hearted. Will miss this sweet boy so much. He loved me so much and I always felt so privileged because of that--even unworthy. 

This picture from a year ago came up in my Facebook "memories" today. My sweet little shadow.

Today's (cute) obstacles and distractions...

26 November 2022: Trying to get some work done today and avoiding the office for two reasons: 1) there's a big old football game on campus, which means parking is a challenge and 2) I want to keep an eye on Wesley. Wesley is completely fine with this development, as he is more clingy than he has been in some time. Either that, or he's as clingy as he's always been and I just too willing to indulge him. Regardless, when he's up in your face like this, it's hard to get work done.

How can one write under these conditions, with his little face tucked into my hand?

How can one type in these conditions, with his little paw on the touchpad and his slumber so easily distrubed?

Veronica is also distracting, albeit in different ways. Snapped these earlier today, when gently yelling at her NOT to chew the decades-old fake-flowery thing in this Thanksgiving decoration that used to be my nana's. I ended up winning this battle, but I think it was because I looked away and if she can't play a mind game with me, sometimes she just gives up.

Having just very gently and and successfully relocated Wesley to the couch, I am going to move upstairs to try to get some work done there. 

This is all faux complaining, of course. Blessed and grateful for these adorable, distracting obstacles. 

His biggest (cat) fan...

23 November 2022: I feel like we are getting close to the end with Wes and I kind can't bear to type about it right now. (He's still eating and purring and happy, but there are some new signs.) 

I can list so many ways this will be crushing, but I am sad right now thinking about how Veronica will miss him. It's wild because he is so mean to her and she has to sneak up to get close to him. She jumped up here after he was settled and kind of asleep. If she gets too close, he might hiss at her. But she is tenacious. She will get up and follow him out of a room. She tries so hard. It's too much to think about her without him. 

She'll be okay. I'll be okay. But it will be hard. 

Home to my boy...

20 November 2022: I could have crashed at Tim and Kevin's last night--even brought an overnight bag (at their insistence) in case I needed it. But I sure do like sleeping in my own bed. And, I as inelegantly explained to them last night, it's harder and harder to leave Wes alone for long periods. My reasons are almost completely ridiculous and of my own making, but he does get clingy and upset when he's on his own too much. And there are tiny signs we are getting closer to the end. 

So, I came home. And he proceeded to barely notice? Hilarious.

Today, though, he's back to his usual shadow-status. No complaints on my end.

Interrupting buddy...

13 November 2022: Two Wes posts in a row, but a) they do a good job of capturing a work-filled weekend and b) they do a good job representing two of this three modes these days: sleeping and being sweetly needy and demanding. (The third is begging for food.) 

Honestly can't believe I finished everything on my list and wasn't miserable doing it. 

Sleepy buddy...

12 November 2022: Work-filled day, but a pretty good one, especially with this guy snoozing by my side. 

Ten minute pause

26 September 2022: When I got home just after 6:00, Wesley greeted me with his insistent yells. I scooped him right up--and he is so slight these days, you barely feel him--and, on a whim, took him out on the back deck. We stood and then sat out there for a good ten minutes, listening to the birds and smelling the air. Kind of perfect after a busy day. 

1001

21 September 2022: Making it to day 1001 of my streak was the easiest part of my day, even with the old plantar fasciitis acting up and with a really full calendar. 

It's just a rough time. 

Here's what's getting me through: my students, friends like Hannah and Tim, Wes (and BabyCat, ha), podcasts, nighttime TV, and walks. So much else is just...trash.

And making that list--and realizing how many other ways I am so blessed--also gets me through it.

Energy levels: up!

8 September 2022: Today was definitely better than yesterday, with some good unexpected news about the University's proposed mission statement (it sounds silly, but it matters), a good meeting about the National Writing Project, and some decent work accomplished on my entry on Emma Lazarus. Moreover, I got to address one thing weighing on my mind all week: mowing the lawn. It was too hot or rainy to do it this weekend and too busy for me to do it the rest of the week. And it was getting long, which makes me anxious, especially since I don't have time to do it tomorrow or Saturday (work stuff). But I made it home by just before 5, the weather was almost perfect, the grass was pretty dry, and I got it done. 

Here's the part that makes me really pleased, though: after all of that--a long day, doing the lawn--I still have plenty of energy left, physical and mental. I made dinner, did some other chores, and then plowed through the rest of the items on my to-do list, finishing just after 10:00. I can't think of the last time--especially since COVID--that I've had the energy to go this hard. Feels good. 

Now, I am coughing a bit right now and that's not fun (and since I got COVID, a night of coughing usually means a sore throat and congestion to the next morning), but I'll take some medicine in a bit and hope for the best.

Anyway, here's some photo documentation of a certain GrayBaby who prefers a night where I don't keep working on the computer. He's doing his best to disrupt...

Nurse Wesley

26 August 2022: Last day of isolation. Feeling okay-ish. Glad to have had this faithful attendant.

Sunday vibes...

15 May 2022: Finished my weekly book goal to-do list, along with some house-cleaning and yard work this weekend. Also submitted everything for the department newsletter. So, a very good week for summer productivity. 

Resisting the urge to get even more work done and instead sitting here with Wes, with the windows open and some post-rain breeze coming in. Action at the bird feeder is really delightful: goldfinches (up to three at once!), a bluebird, cardinals, and a great big woodpecker. Treating myself to Girls5Eva season 2. I also had lunch with my parents earlier and have some leftovers in the fridge. Might not even have to cook tonight. Chill time!

18!

12 April 2022: 18 years old and still the sweetest boy!