Thursday, December 31, 2020

365/10,000

31 December 2020: How to write the last post for this most unusual (garbage) year? I certainly won’t be ringing in the New Year like I have the past few. It’s surprising to me how much it hurts to miss celebrating with these folks. But spending the evening alone is perhaps the most representative way to end this lonely year. So, I’ll write about something else…

For years now, I’ve set goals for myself when it comes to getting 10,000 steps in. Usually, it’s like “I’ll do it 90% of the days of the year.” That actually pretty easy to do and since I started, I’ve never fallen short. In a normal year, I might miss about 7-12 days over the course of 365 days. When it happens, it’s usually because of travel, illness, or weather. I can’t think of the last time when it was just like, “Nope, just didn’t do it today.”

This year, though, I hit 10,000 steps every single day. Honestly, I am stoked about this silly little achievement—this clear gesture of consistency and routine when it comes to something I get so much out of doing. I have been thinking for a while, though (when I had a feeling I might make 365), about why I was able to do it this year and the answer is, well…2020. On a more granular level:

No Travel: When I go to NY to see my family, it is hard to get a good walk in, esp. on the travel day. Well, guess what I didn’t do any of this year? I think I have spent every night this year in my own bed. (Not complaining about that part too much.) No NY, no vacations, no conferences, no road trips. 

Equipment: It might seem obvious, but a good rain jacket, comfortable shoes, my yaktrax, a warm hat that covers my ears, and an umbrella have made it much easier to get a walk in whatever the weather. That said…

Weather: Not counting the early December snow, 2020 was really light on snow and ice. That helped a lot.

Planning: For rainy days, I checked the forecast, looking for breaks in the rain or at least in its intensity. On hot days, I got out there early. On days where I knew I had meetings through my lunch break, I would walk in the morning. That “morning walk” shift has really helped a lot in terms of energy and a better outlook. Getting it “done” earlier feels good. A recent example: on Christmas Day, I got up early (set an alarm even) and took my walk before heading to Arlington because I was worried that if I stayed late, I wouldn’t get the chance.

Health: What a blessing it was to be healthy enough to take a good walk every day. No colds or flu. No injuries. In late 2019, I had a really nasty stomach virus where I think I went five days without hitting 10,000. (That’s extreme.) But 2020—maybe all that hand-washing? not being around people?—has been a healthy year for me, at least physically.

And finally, what else are you going to do?: In normal times, every once in a while, a day of socializing or being too busy would get in the way of 10,000 steps. But this year? Even on my busiest days, I could carve out that time.  

In the last week or so, when I knew I was likely to hit 365/10,000, I started to draft this post in my head. (By the way, each time, I would say to myself, “Assuming you don’t get COVID…”) It makes sense, I think, as a final post of this strange (garbage) year: it’s representative of the year, it is a good thing that grew out of bad circumstances, and it’s about something so essentially solitary and sustaining for me. 

Looking towards 2021, a year that will have an awful start and maybe promises a brighter spring/summer, who knows what that will all look like on a personal level for me? Probably won’t hit 365/10,000--and maybe not doing so will be a sign that things are better--but I hope to come close. 

One of my NYE dates, checking out the Christmas lights on the porch.

Wednesday, December 30, 2020

"That's Where It's At"

30 December 2020: How in the world would I have made it this far through this garbage year without my cats? It's almost unimaginable. They are there to help me remember to pause, to take a breath, to feel warmth and love. And yeah, sometimes they remind me of all of this even when I am trying to get work done, like earlier today. 


Today has been a day with some highs and lows. Got a lot done up at the office. Took a good walk around town. But I also keep thinking about how bad things are. So many COVID cases. So many people who travel and mix like it's not happening. And this new strain? Lord, help us. Found myself thinking today, "What if normal just isn't coming back?" (I know that's irrational, but just the idea of normal seems so far away.) 

All of this was on my mind when I was trying to do some work-related reading earlier. Even if I wasn't actively thinking about it, the mood was there. Sadness, loneliness, anger, fear all mixed up. 

An old Sam Cooke song came on the Pandora station--one that has always calmed me. Combine that with Bing's gentle demands that I see him and well, I stopped, breathed, and settled down a bit. And yeah: sitting here with my old boy, so loving and insistent in what I know are getting to be the tail end of our days together, that's where it's at. 

Tuesday, December 29, 2020

"comforting each other...watching the dancing lights..."

29 December 2020: As a garbage year gets closer to ending, this beautiful image and story stopped me in my tracks today. Shew. 

Monday, December 28, 2020

That "In-between Week" Pondering...

28 December 2020: If there was ever a week built for Big Thoughts, it's this one, smack in the middle of a pandemic for extra flavor or something. 

"But we were something, don't you think so?
Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool.
And if my wishes came true,
It would've been you.
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone.
But it would've been fun
If you would've been the one..."

Sunday, December 27, 2020

Thank-you notes...

27 December 2020: Just finished writing thank-you notes to folks who gave me Christmas gifts. As I reflect on a very different Christmas (and when I haven't yet gotten gifts from my parents and the NY relatives), writing these eight notes was a good reminder of those folks who helped make the season brighter for me. From the scratch-off tickets my aunt and uncle send every year to the little gifts from friends and the passel of goodies from Erin and her crew, I am very lucky. I'll always be grateful that my mom raised me to send these notes, not just because it's the right thing to do, but also because it reminds me of how fortunate I am.

Saturday, December 26, 2020

"That is solemn we have ended,—"

26 December 2020: A little Emily Dickinson today from the poem-a-day email...

#87

That is solemn we have ended,—
Be it but a play,
Or a glee among the garrets,
Or a holiday,

Or a leaving home; or later,
Parting with a world
We have understood, for better
Still it be unfurled.

Friday, December 25, 2020

Christmas 2020

 25 December 2020: Going to record a lot details here because I want to remember this day and this strange Christmas. First Christmas in my life that I haven't been in NY, woken up in that house, came down the stairs for a stocking and breakfast, and sat in the living room to open presents. First time I haven't been with my parents. And for, them, the first Christmas not seeing a child (any of their children) in person in 50 years. 

So here's what I did:

  • Got up pretty early and took my walk, since I knew it would only get colder and colder during the day. (This was a good call--it's really cold out now when I just went out for some more steps!) I tried to see how many homes already had people stirring, but it was hard to tell. Listened to a special "drunk" episode of Extra Hot Great, which made me laugh and smile so much. 

  • Took a shower, ate one of the cranberry muffins from the Sweet Shop gift basket Tara sent, and headed out to Arlington. There were flurries on and off, which was nice. 

  • Got to Arlington at 10:30, had brunch, opened gifts, played with Legos and Barbies, and just had a lovely time with Erin, Eric, and the girls. Though we kept masks on almost the whole time (even the little ones), I was relieved to learn that "COVID isn't real" in Barbie and Lego Land, though the very fact that the kids need to stipulate that is kind of amazing and makes me melancholy if I think about it too much. 

  • I would have stayed at Erin's all day, if not for COVID, but if not for COVID, I would have been in NY. It's all just so strange and new and different. 

  • We Facetimed with my parents and they seemed okay. The kids delight them, which is sweet to see. Then I played with the kids some some before heading home at 3:00.

  • Made it home by 4:30 and gave the cats their Christmas treat. Each of them got an envelope of like...tuna mush? The boys inhaled theirs, but Veronica must have gotten spooked, because she wouldn't come out for hers. (This is very weird.) If I put her bowl down, the boys would eat it in a second, so I put the stinky bowl of tuna mush in the fridge. I am hoping if the boys go upstairs for a nap or whatever, I can get her to realize that I am trying to get her a treat, damn it. Ha.

  • Now I'm sitting here, looking at the lights with Bing and listening to Christmas music. I am never with them on Christmas, so I guess this is nice, especially with the boys being so old and Bing being extra clingy these days. In a couple of hours, I'll reheat my Thai leftovers from yesterday (seriously stoked about that part). Maybe I'll watch Wonder Woman. I'll definitely watch Call the Midwife at 9:00. I'll probably be in bed soon after that. 

So much of what has made this year's Christmas hard is (we pray) temporary. Next year we can gather without such fear. We will be able to linger. No masks. We can see our friends and family. I am trying to keep that in mind when I find myself thinking that this year's lonely and solitary holiday season will be my "normal" soon enough. It's good to remember that. 

For so much of COVID year, my heart has been filled with almost equal amounts of gratitude, hope, love, sadness, anger, and fear. But this Christmas could have been so much worse--and for so many, it is--so right now, at least the gratitude, hope, and love are winning. 

Thursday, December 24, 2020

Christmas Eve, 2020

24 December 2020: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:1-5

Feeling so much today. Finding comfort in the words above. 

Wednesday, December 23, 2020

Some day soon...

23 December 2020: Someone from the Shepherdstown community who has come to mean a great deal to me, Beth, sent this video as her "Christmas wish" to me. She is someone I usually see at Shepherd events (plays, concerts, lectures), which we haven't had since March (except online). Her message and this video are just so spot-on. We'll muddle through, have a merry little Christmas, be grateful for what we have, pray for those in need, and look forward to next year. 


I saw two more former students post vaccination pictures and learned my sister-in-law got hers, too. It's a very good thing realize that I am am almost out of fingers to count vaccinated loved ones on. Just gotta hang on a bit longer...

Tuesday, December 22, 2020

"Twinkly Lights"

22 December 2020: Two Bob's Burgers posts in a row, but like I said, for years now, these Christmas episodes are a big part of my holiday season. I was thinking today that my two favorite "recent" holiday songs are "Twinkly Lights" and "Underneath the Tree" (by Kelly Clarkson). So I guess I like a Christmas jam you can dance to, even if (especially if?) the only folks to see it are the cats. 

Monday, December 21, 2020

"Yachty or Nice"

21 December 2020: "Be careful! Rich people's toes are worth two of our toes!" --Linda, to the kids, on this season's Christmas episode of Bob's Burgers

Every year, I re-watch the Bob's Burgers Christmas episodes. They just make me happy. Somehow this episode slipped by me when it aired last week. I even thought, "I guess they didn't do one?" So I was delighted to find "Yachty or Nice" on my DVR. Like a little gift under the tree!

Sunday, December 20, 2020

I mean, we do need a little Christmas...

20 December 2020: How best to feel the holiday spirit this very strange and tough year? Today I am trying some not-even-a-bit-subtle approaches including watching the (gay) Lifetime Christmas move, The Christmas Setup, which is (so far) very adorable. And I did some baking.


I think it's working? 

Saturday, December 19, 2020

Memorial Drive

19 December 2020: "I am looking directly at the photographer, toward a new idea of absence, of phantom ache--knowing nothing about how potently once might come to feel it." --Natasha Trethewey, Memorial Drive

Only about half-way through this extraordinary memoir, but I keep marveling at every page. The metaphors, the allusions, the painful search and examination it represents for its author. I knew Trethewey as a poet, of course, but it's such a treat to see her bring that voice to a different (linked) genre. 

In the passage above, she sets up a metaphor that she will keep coming back to as she tells the story of her mother and her violent death: the phantom pain one feels when they lose something. Here its beautifully and heartbreakingly prescient, showing how the present/future cannot help but color our memories of the past. How do I look at pictures of Ryan, for instance, without thinking about how it would all end? It can be done, but it takes effort, work, and reflection.

Friday, December 18, 2020

Mask dreams...

18 December 2020: My usual anxiety dreams of running late and not being able to find my shoes have been replaced by dreams of being in a crowded room without a mask. Like...multiple nights in a row. 

It's interesting (for me) to think about this for a bit. The shoe dream (also frequently a "it's time to go but i just can't get showered" dream) indicates, I think, a more deep-seated anxiety/insecurity. These are sometimes dreams when I am still in high school or college. They are almost foundational in that way. 

The mask dreams are set in the "now," are much more public, and--I hope/pray--temporary. 

Still: very 2020.  

Thursday, December 17, 2020

Whole lotta wholesome...

17 December 2020: Boy, oh boy, did I see a lot of wholesome sights on my walk this morning as my neighborhood dug out of yesterday's snow: kids sledding, kids building snowmen, families shoveling driveways together. 

My favorite bit? A mom and her little one (maybe 2 or 3 years old?) shoveling, the kid "helping" with a tiny pink sand shovel. As I walked by again (did a loop on their court), she said to me, "We're shoveling! So Daddy can get home!" That stuff is good for the soul.

Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Hope...

16 December 2020: Over the past two days, I've seen two former students (a doctor and a nurse) and my cousin's wife (a nurse) post pictures of them getting the vaccine. Each time, I well up a bit and feel a spark of hope. 

Tuesday, December 15, 2020

A Christmas Carol in 2020

15 December 2020: Gave a presentation today for the Scarborough Society, talking about A Christmas Carol. It was kind of amazing? Colleagues, community members, former students in attendance via Zoom--along with Vogel and my dad. Such a lovely reminder of my blessings. 

As I mentioned in my remarks, Dickens' little book is especially poignant and relevant this year. Here's what I wrote and shared: "A Christmas Carol strikes me as beautifully relevant this holiday season, at the end of a dark and painful year, when so many are suffering and we feel, like the reformed Scrooge, called to reach out to them, to the family of mankind, to address and ameliorate 'Ignorance' and 'Want,' memorably personified by Dickens as hungry and desperate children—our children, hiding under the robe of the Ghost of Christmas Present. Moreover, in a year when many of us cannot be with our loved ones yet still feel those urgent bonds of love and connection, the promise of A Christmas Carol—that we can make the world better through active devotion and service to others (even if that means just staying home and staying apart)—inspires and gives us hope. We might not be with our loved ones, but we can show them our love. Dickens, drawing of course, on the ancient Christmas story from the New Testament, shows us that."

When I got home, I called my dad and talked for a bit. I finally said out loud that I wasn't coming home for Christmas and he immediately responded with love and understanding. Such a relief.  

Monday, December 14, 2020

Mailing packages...

14 December 2020: It felt weird to do it, but today I started mailing some packages to NY for Christmas since I know I won't be there this year (for the first time in my life). I still want the kids to have their gifts on time, though, and I want my parents to have some stocking stuffers (their gifts can wait and I will see them sooner than the kids), so to the Post Office I went. I hope the boxes make them smile when they arrive.

Sunday, December 13, 2020

Test #5

13 December 2020: Woke up this morning to an email that my latest COVID test was negative. Each time I take one, I am more nervous and more certain that it will come back positive, despite the fact that I haven't been in CDC-defined "contact" with anyone in...months. But this latest test, which I took on Friday, had me a bit worried. My throat was sore all afternoon and evening and I was sneezing a bit, too. So I was...anxious, even when I felt better on Saturday.

All of this is enough to get me thinking I should maybe go back to March behavior: grocery store every couple of weeks, stay away from the (mostly empty) office as much as possible. It feels we are so close to the finish line even as the situation gets much worse on the ground. I don't know. It's a lot to think about. 

There's a big snowstorm in the forecast for Wednesday. In a normal year, that would make me sad and anxious about being stuck home and alone. But that's been daily life since March in lots of ways. 

Keep telling myself the end is in sight. Just gotta keep vigilant and hopeful.  

Saturday, December 12, 2020

"They better make a call to the wing factory..."

12 December 2020: So many moments made me LOL while listening to the My Dad Wrote a Porno Christmas episode (part one of two!), but the subject heading for today's post is a contender for heartiest laugh. 

I saved this bit of dumb delight for nearly a week before listening, finally giving it a spin on my walk this morning. As with any time I take a walk listening to this podcast, I am sure folks who saw me must have wondered what the heck I was grinning about. 

Friday, December 11, 2020

Fall 2020 Grading: DONE!

11 December 2020: Closing the (grade) book on the strangest semester ever. Just entered my final set of grades. Chair dancing is a bit tough these days, but precedent demands it and demands a holiday theme, so here's one from a movie I've already watched three times. (It's not a great movie, but so watchable...)

Thursday, December 10, 2020

"My Emily Dickinson"

10 December 2020: Today is Emily Dickinson’s 190th birthday. The Emily Dickinson Museum has been encouraging everyone to think about “My Emily Dickinson.” Like a good student, I have been. And here’s what I would say: “This year, my Emily Dickinson has been sustaining. Her poetry—reading it, thinking about it, teaching it, hearing my students talk about it—has inspired me and kept me going. I’ve found myself escaping this world awhile while thinking about her words. And, in the kind of paradox she would love, I also found myself drawing on her words when I tried to make sense of this world.

This morning, I woke up thinking about “I cannot live with you,” particularly these lines: 

So We must meet apart –
You there – I – here –
With just the Door ajar
That Oceans are – and Prayer –
And that White Sustenance –
Despair –

What more is there to say about how perfectly this captures our moment? Separate but joined, sustained, but on prayer and despair. And, of course, connection—or the desire for it. 

Dickinson offers so much more, of course, but right now, that’s my Dickinson and I am grateful for her.

Wednesday, December 9, 2020

When there isn't much to say...

9 December 2020: Been thinking for hours about what to write/post about today. At first, it seemed odd that nothing came to mind at what is, if nothing else, usually a dramatic time of the year (finals, grading, holiday anticipation). But of course, it isn't that odd given this particular year. That stuff is still happening, but it's all so different. Campus is already dead--no students to be found, no colleagues to visit with (if they are here, they're in their own offices with the doors shut--and buildings are locked down again). I'm buying Christmas gifts, but have no idea when I'll give them to my family. And there won't be any celebrations with friends where we exchange presents.

Still ridiculously blessed and lucky and even hopeful. But lonely and down as heck sometimes. And so sad about all the pain, suffering, and hate the world and this country. <------ And that, right there? Those three absolutely true and different assertions? That's my inner 2020 soundtrack. 

Tuesday, December 8, 2020

Ahem...

8 December 2020: When you look up and realize someone is ready for his second serving of canned food for the day, thank you very much.


This also happened today: the first vaccines were administered. Rare moments of pure joy!

Monday, December 7, 2020

Little chopper...

7 December 2020: Another day where the news outside, particularly rising COVID numbers, makes you really see the darkness settling in. I've also been thinking about previous holiday seasons, particularly just a couple of years ago when I banked some of my favorite Christmas season memories ever. Those days seem so far away.

So I find myself looking for spots of joy like...

1) Learning that our chapter's submission for the Sigma Tau Delta Convention was accepted. Competition was tough this year, but darn it if we didn't pull it off.

2) Stopping by the local bookstore mid-day and getting some Christmas shopping done, including picking up books for my hard-to-buy-books-for nephews.

3) The continued delight of this silly Lego Advent Calendar, which gave me this tiny helicopter today. I am an educated woman in my forties. This shouldn't make me grin like a kid, but it does.

Sunday, December 6, 2020

Dateline: Dickinson

6 December 2020: Spent the late morning/early afternoon watching a two-hour Dateline (aka, “The Husband Did It”) while pausing at every commercial break to grade a paper from my Emily Dickinson seminar. This led to one of my best ideas ever: Keith Morrison reading Dickinson poems. I should get on that Cameo thing and do impressions of this for $5 a pop.

Variations on a theme: incorporating Dickinson phrases into Dateline episodes...

"This young wife and mother had no time to stop for Death, but he, oh so un-kindly, stopped for her."

"Was this devoted husband telling the plain truth...or was he telling it slant?"

"The story didn't seem to add up. Was this much madness, or Divinest Sense?"

"Something didn't feel right, there, in the back of her mind, was a blue, uncertain, buzzing. Did her son-in-law's story really make sense?"

Saturday, December 5, 2020

They can wait...

5 December 2020: I had planned to get half of my seminar grading done today (and do the other half tomorrow). But I ended up spending over an hour on the phone with Vogel and then a couple of hours on the weekly video chat with my Roanoke girls. And I needed every minute of both conversations.

Another reminder of how even when I am physically more alone than ever--and that won't end any time soon--I am blessed with these amazing friends. 

The papers can wait. 

Friday, December 4, 2020

Dapper Zoom Boys...

4 December 2020: The annual Sigma Tau Delta holiday party had to go virtual this year, but Bing and Wes still got festive for Zoom. [BabyCat also lives here.]




Thursday, December 3, 2020

As much as will make me feel good...

3 December 2020: In a conversation with Tim yesterday, I wondered aloud how much of my indoor Christmas decorations to put up this year considering I will be the only one who sees them. We talked it out (he and Kevin were debating the same thing) and decided to do as much as would make me feel good. 

So I did. Probably about 60% or so of what I usually do? Maybe a bit more. I like it. Still seems early even though it isn't. But as I was getting them out of the attic, I saw a door sign from St. Patrick's Day that I hadn't fully put away (where it "belongs"). And at that moment, March (when this all began) seemed like yesterday. 

What a weird year. As it wraps up, I am going to lean into this post's title to get through it.



A couple of pictures of the tree... Why two? Well, I got a kick out of how different they look based on what the lights were doing at the moment.

Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Wow! Meow!

2 December 2020: So happy to have this amazing thank-you note waiting for me when I got home today.






Tuesday, December 1, 2020

Tiny ship...

1 December 2020: Got myself a Lego City Advent Calendar for less than $30 about a month ago. Had a feeling I was going to appreciate the fun nostalgia of it when we hit December. 

December 1 was a long day and I am wiped out. But when I got home and opened that first door on the calendar, I got to build a tiny ship and that rules.



Monday, November 30, 2020

Lights out back...

30 November 2020: Put up the outside Christmas lights today. I usually like to wait until it's actually December, but it is going to be a busy week. The front looks the same as always. This year, I decided to use my old (non LED) lights out back. I think it looks really nice. Here's hoping for some warm-ish winter evenings where I can sit out and enjoy them.

Sunday, November 29, 2020

"standing in the spirit at your elbow..."

29 November 2020: "The curtains of his bed were drawn aside, I tell you, by a hand. Not the curtains at his feet, nor the curtains at his back, but those to which his face was addressed. The curtains of his bed were drawn aside; and Scrooge, starting up into a half-recumbent attitude, found himself face to face with the unearthly visitor who drew them: as close to it as I am now to you, and I am standing in the spirit at your elbow." -Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Perhaps because I've been thinking about narration a lot lately, this section from A Christmas Carol kind of leapt off the page as I reread the book this afternoon. I am sure folks have written about what Dickens is up to here, but it's a weird and lovely gesture, the author imagining himself as a spirit (in a book about spirits) standing right next to the reader. He couldn't have known that this book would endure the way it has, the way he would remain by the side of so many folks every year as they experience his story, but I really love it. 

Saturday, November 28, 2020

The Pull of the Stars

28 November 2020: “I'd never believed the future was inscribed for each of us the day we were born. If anything was written in the stars, it was we who joined those dots, and our lives were the writing.” -Emma Donoghue, The Pull of the Stars

Our little book club was supposed to discuss this novel this weekend, but it looks like that won't happen. I finished it about a week ago and have been thinking about it so much since then. Donoghue turned in the manuscript of this book (about the Great Influenza of 1918) in March 2020. Unbelievable. 

It's an intense book, with an ending that is both devastating and hopeful. I am not sure how I feel about the sentiment quoted above, but it's a lovely idea.  

Friday, November 27, 2020

Partially lazy Friday...

27 November 2020: Got a big item checked off my Thanksgiving Break to-do list (and yes: it's typed and everything) this morning when I finished the fall yard clean-up. This is always one of my least favorite chores, so I am glad to have it done. 

Then I took a long walk and a shower and ate some Thanksgiving leftovers. 

Now I should be getting some more "I don't want to do this" work done today, including some reaccreditation stuff that I am resentful about having to do at all. (And I am just kicking myself for not saying "no, thank you!" when I got asked to do this last semester.) 

But I also started a book with a mystery hook last night (when I knew I shouldn't because it would tempt me) and kind of just want to read it with breaks in-between for TV. And this cat, who just wants to chill, is awfully distracting, too. Like...he literally gets in the way of work.


So...leaning into the "break" vibe today. I think that will be okay. 

Thursday, November 26, 2020

Thanksgiving 2020

26 November 2020: Quiet Thanksgiving meal at Erin and Eric's. Feel very blessed to have them and the girls close enough to celebrate safely. And very blessed that the weather was lovely and warm. Back home now with my three buddies, who are sleeping on the couch while I watch a rerun of Supermarket Sweep. Might go to bed by 10:00. It works. 

Also, Erin made this PillowVeronica, which is adorable, soft, and huggable. Two of those adjectives also apply to RealVeronica. 

Wednesday, November 25, 2020

"revise the boundaries of selfhood..."

25 November 2020: "Crucially, this conversion is not simply a reformation of character but a reimagining of how the self relates to others....Scrooge does not so much lose himself as revise the boundaries of his selfhood. Instead of a mode of enchantment that sees the reader as forgetting or losing track of him- or herself, we might think of enchantment as a method for self-opening. In suspending his suspicion, Scrooge undertakes a kind of enchantment that makes him permeable. Because he can read with enchantment, Scrooge is neither lost to himself nor nailed to himself. This particular mode of reading makes the self penetrable to influence and thus malleable, convertible, and, most importantly, recoverable." --Aubrey Plourde

I am preparing to lead a (virtual) discussion of A Christmas Carol in a few weeks and spent today reading about a text that has meant so much to me for most of my life. It's a bittersweet task in many ways, particularly given how different the holidays will be this year. 

Plourde's article, quoted above, moved me when I read it. It's a lovely point she makes, compelling and quietly uplifting and hopeful. 

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

Relief...

24 November 2020: Found out today that a loved one doesn't have a condition that might have required a risky and serious operation. Relief is such a welcome emotion. Whew. 

Today was also the final day of on-campus instruction. Hard to believe we made it. Whew, again.

Monday, November 23, 2020

So long until....?

23 November 2020: When I left campus today, I said goodbye to Tim until who knows when. He'll be teaching online next semester and working from home. To put it eloquently, it sucks. He was saying we can try for some visits when the weather is nice, but the spring semester is going to be so tough. And we aren't even done with the fall semester yet. It's crazy to be saying goodbye before Thanksgiving, even. 

(Still very lucky, still very blessed, still glad to be employed and healthy. It just feels a bit better to put some of this in writing...) 

Sunday, November 22, 2020

Remembering vs. learning...

22 November 2020: The one period in my life when I was regularly seeing a counselor, during my freshmen year of college when I was so depressed and wanted to go home, I remember telling her how nice it had been seeing my family during Parents Weekend. "I was so happy," I said to her. She stopped me and said, "Were you? It doesn't sound like it." 

I've never forgotten that moment. Since then, I'm reminded of it often, how I sometimes lie to myself, saying "This is good. Or on its way to being good" or "Maybe this will be the time it works and everything will be different." 

But, of course, remembering isn't the same as learning and changing, as I saw once again today. I need to stop expecting that things will change with a situation I've been banging my head (and heart) against for so long now. They won't. And every time I let myself think it--open myself up again to imagining it--it hurts so bad when it doesn't. So dumb. 

I'll keep working at it, but boy, I didn't need this reminder today. Grateful for the distraction of papers to grade, quarantine meals to deliver, and dumb TV to watch tonight. 

Saturday, November 21, 2020

"Angel of No Mercy"

21 November 2020: Spent most of today grading and getting stuff done around the house. Nothing too exciting. In a moment of quiet, I found myself singing this song a bit today and remembered how much I like it. 

Friday, November 20, 2020

2020 vibes...

20 November 2020: 

The weirdness of 2020 in a sentence: It's late November and the temperature is in the upper 60s, and I am standing under a tent on campus with some of my students and colleagues, spitting into a tube for a COVID test, while Christmas music plays in the background. 

Thursday, November 19, 2020

"Faculty Pandemic Stress Is Now Chronic"

19 November 2020: "Another significant source of stress, for two-thirds of professors surveyed, was meeting the emotional and mental health needs of students, who are also struggling." --Colleen Flaherty, in this insidehighered.com article

Look, at the end of the day, I am still so blessed to have this job, which seems (so far) pandemic-proof and still brings me joy and meaning. And I sure have it easier than so many others, as does this profession. But this article packs a lot of truth about how hard it is these days, especially when it comes to helping students manage it all. 

Wednesday, November 18, 2020

The Struggle Tree

18 November 2020: "Why am I reading a tree for filth? I'm not! I love this tree! This tree looks like how I feel and I am both attacked and enamored. And that's sexy. I saw this tree and my only reaction was 'Huh.' Honestly, that's the most positive emotion I've had in months. This tree boosted my serotonin level by a fraction of a percent and I'm out in the street banging pots and pans." --R. Eric Thomas in another perfect column

When I heard about the tree last night, I found it so funny. He put into words why. 

Tuesday, November 17, 2020

Haircut...

17 November 2020: With COVID numbers surging everywhere and Thanksgiving travel/gathering on the horizon, it sure feels like lots of things might be about to shut down again or that continuing to visit them will only get more dangerous. Along with that, I find myself worrying, "What if all of the sudden I am housebound for two weeks or more?" So everything feels more urgent. 

Ordered over $50 of canned cat food just to be safe. Made sure I have back-ups of certain supplies. Trying to get stuff done/ready. And, for all of those reasons, I got my hair cut today. Told the lovely woman who cuts it to go  a bit shorter than usual. That is, she tells me, a very common request these days.

Strange days...




Monday, November 16, 2020

Only 8:30?

16 November 2020: Today is the last "regular" Monday of this highly irregular semester. Next Monday, the start of a shortened week, I think most people are shifting to online if they are meeting at all. (I'll be doing review sessions and conferences online.) There's one more (shortened) week of classes after Thanksgiving, but it's being sold as "flex week" and will be entirely remote. Then a week of (remote) exams. 

So how are things going? I am tired (duh) and stressed (duh) and overwhelmed (duh), but I'm here. 

At the same time, I just checked the clock a bit ago and was genuinely shocked that it was only 8:30. Early to bed tonight, I think. 

Sunday, November 15, 2020

Dickinson and delight

15 November 2020: "In Dickinson’s poetry, cheer and mischief statistically outshine bleaker topics. The word despair appears only six times in the letters and 31 times in the poems, whereas derivatives of the word delight appear 108 times in Dickinson’s letters and about 55 times in her poetry. Mentions of the word pain are comparatively fewer, too: they can be found in only 30 places in her letters and a little over 50 times in her poems. Sometimes the word pain is paired with the word delight, like the poem, 'Wonder – is not precisely knowing,' in which she writes, 'Whether Adult Delight be Pain/Or of itself a new misgiving –/ This is the Gnat that mangles men' (F1347). In other words, Dickinson seldom frames difficult experiences in wholly negative terms." --Eleanore Lewis Lambert, "Emily Dickinson's Joke about Death"

Came across this article--this specific passage--while reading a student's paper proposal. It immediately stood out to me, particularly the observation about "delight." It's one of my favorite emotions, of course, surprise and joy linked with a kind of vulnerability, I think. And it's seemingly in short supply these days. 

Lambert reminds us, though, that delight and pain are linked, almost dependent on each other. Interesting thoughts on Sunday afternoon...

Work Cited

Lambert, Eleanore Lewis. "Emily Dickinson's Joke about Death." Studies in American Humor, vol. 3, no. 27, 2013, pp. 7-32. EBSCOHost.

Saturday, November 14, 2020

Virtual SAMLA

14 November 2020: SAMLA is totally online this year, which is--of course!--very smart and necessary. But it sure is strange. I am sitting here listen to very smart people talk about their work, the typical conference experience. But Wesley sleeps behind me on the chair, the dryer ends its cycle and I fold the laundry. I am wearing gym shorts and no shoes while the robot vacuum whooshes by. 

I deliver my own paper tomorrow morning, but I'll be sure to be on campus (better internet) and dressed professionally--at least from the waist up. 

Friday, November 13, 2020

Friday ritual...

13 November 2020: Eleven hours in the office today. Still so much to do. But little sources of comfort shine through, including my new Friday routine (new since March) of getting take-out from Kome and trying to find something fun to watch. It brings me comfort, especially in the midst of long days. But it also brings me down a bit because it's so solitary, especially at the end of those long days, which are getting harder and harder.  

Thursday, November 12, 2020

Starting to wrap up (early)...

12 November 2020: The rhythms of this semester are so strange. Though it's only barely mid-November, it feels later. We've got just over a week of on-campus instruction left. Big projects are rolling in. My section of the GWST finished up today. 

It's got me thinking about the holidays more and earlier than I am used to. And today I keep thinking about Christmas. (Thanksgiving travel has long been "case closed/ain't happening" for me.) And I guess I knew Christmas would probably be, too. But, wow: anticipating it and knowing it bring very different emotions. I am so angry. So disappointed with our leadership. So sad. And anticipating being (even more) lonely, 

Wednesday, November 11, 2020

Multitudes...

11 November 2020: Trying to balance a lot in my head today. Good, bad, challenging, encouraging, devastating, local, national, personal, global...all part of today.  

Had one of the best discussions of "One Art" in my English 204 class that I've ever had. I wonder if it's because so many of us are acutely aware these days of of "the art of losing" and the lies we tell ourselves that it will all be okay.

Tuesday, November 10, 2020

Tuesday grading...

10 November 2020: Not surprisingly, perhaps, it is both funny and a bit morbid when a student meant to write “posthumously” and ends up writing “post humorously.” (As in “The majority of Dickinson’s poems were published post humorously.”)

Monday, November 9, 2020

Dickinson in the age of COVID

9 November 2020: "It's like we are living on the dash..." --a (brilliant) student in my Emily Dickinson seminar today, talking about how this moment feels. 

As I've said before, everything reads/teaches a bit differently in the age of COVID, but it's hard to think of a writer better suited for these strange days. 

Sunday, November 8, 2020

Thanks for everything, Alex!

8 November 2020: Could give many, but I'll just give one example: when I was in college and I couldn’t watch it every day, my nana used to send me Final Jeopardy! clues in little envelopes that she cut out of paper. She’d write the answer on the outside and then tuck the question inside. Always made me smile. Alex Trebek has been part of my life since I was a little kid, someone who was always there, uniting generations and demographics, helping celebrate learning and knowledge, and reminding us how much fun trivia can be. I’ll miss him very much.

Saturday, November 7, 2020

"I hear America singing"

7 November 2020: We did it. Overcome with joy and hope, even though the road ahead will be so hard. 

Tell em, Walt!

Friday, November 6, 2020

"because he cares for you..."

6 November 2020: "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7.

Will keep it vague, but praying tonight for a loved one. Today was non-stop, affairs local and national, personal and professional, hitting all of the emotions, sometimes at the same time. But these words from 1 Peter remind me of who is in charge and there to lift us up. 

Thursday, November 5, 2020

Closer and closer...

5 November 2020: Even though we knew it could take this long, it's still hard to believe that we still don't have a call on the presidential race. I keep waiting for a call and then all of the sudden, it's 9:00 p.m. That's it--that's the post for today. That's the main story, the one on which so many others turn. 

Wednesday, November 4, 2020

Deep breaths, continued...

4 November 2020: Oh, the highs and lows of the last 24 hours! I could write and write forever, but I am pretty darn tired and it's just enough to note that I have hope in the midst of being so sad that it's this close.

Also spent a good portion of the afternoon at the vet with Bing. I sat in the car (waiting room is still closed due to COVID) for over an hour while he had tests. My mind went so many places, including some deep despair. Amazingly, the news turned out to be pretty good for an 18 year-old. He's on some medicine for asthma and we'll see. I know his days are winding down--it just has to be true mathematically--but other than these symptoms and some weight loss (might be related), he still seems so happy and fine. I will take all the good days I can get with him, gratefully.

But man...so tired. Need a good night's sleep tonight...and a final call from another state to put Biden over the line would help. 

Tuesday, November 3, 2020

Waiting, praying...

3 November 2020: Did the thing earlier today. Can't remember feeling more somber, tired, overwhelmed, and anxious in a voting place. Matched the vibes in the lines, by the way. Been home all day, working on some stuff, doing some house work/chores. Took a long walk (of course). 

On that walk, a neighbor who I've never really talked to before answered my "How are you?" with a spontaneous download of emotion that I felt so deeply. She's from England which added an extra layer to our discussion.

A few minutes after that, another neighbor--this one someone I am quite friendly with--talked in her driveway for a good give minutes. "Stiff upper-lip, but it's so hard" kind of stuff. It's just so much.

Now we wait and pray.

This smiling-through-clenched teeth pic gives some clues as to my survival strategy: a comfy chair, good light to read by, water to stay hydrated, and the cats, of course. 



Monday, November 2, 2020

"Keep Breathing"

2 November 2020: Had a restless night's sleep and got to campus early. The day's business kept me distracted, but eventually the work got mostly done and the drowsiness set back in, reminding me of just how tired I am of everything: this administration and its endless cruelty, hate, and cynicism. This epidemic they've managed so catastrophically. This awful man who just needs to go away. Being so anxious and angry and sad all the time. 

If it doesn't start to end tomorrow--if he doesn't lose--I don't know what I'll do. Sadness, fear, anxiety flooded in as I sat at my desk. And "all we can do is keep breathing" came at me again and again from the Pandora station. 
 
I'm home now, changed into warm, comfy clothes, and am watching some distraction TV. I'll try to sleep tonight and we'll see what tomorrow brings. "All we can do is keep breathing..."

Sunday, November 1, 2020

Meta Bing

1 November 2020: 

Saturday, October 31, 2020

Halloween 2020

31 October 2020: Went to the last backyard concert of the season at my former dean's house tonight. It was a lot of fun, combining a fiddler and a great local storyteller. Bittersweet, of course, as the cold weather sets in and we have to retreat indoors for a long COVID winter. The last song the fiddler played, "My Epitaph," struck just the right kind of hopeful note as we also stare down whatever next week brings us. 

"The flowers you give me, please give them today
Don't waste their beauty on cold lifeless clay
One rose with love could do so much good
And I think all would give it if they just understood

Now God gives life freely, then he takes away
What we do for each other oh let us do it today
We have no promise that tomorrow will come
Don't sing my praises after I'm gone"

Friday, October 30, 2020

Nine full weeks...

30 October 2020: A long week, filled with some interesting stuff (including a fair amount of B.S.), but, boy: October is almost over and I've finished nine full weeks of on-campus instruction. It's been frustrating, scary, exhausting, and I never want to repeat it. But there have been moments of joy and the old magic. And I never thought we'd still be open at this point. On to Week 10. 

Thursday, October 29, 2020

Way to go, Buddy!

29 October 2020: Though I am bummed we couldn't celebrate in person, it was lovely to see Hannah get her Finest Under Forty award from Shepherd's Alumni Association today.



Wednesday, October 28, 2020

"Here are some emojis..."

28 October 2020: Started to well up with tears when I saw an email from Krista in my inbox. Opened it and could not stop chuckling. And I stayed teared up, too. 




Tuesday, October 27, 2020

"Under the Table"

27 October 2020: Everyone needs a friend like Hannah, who makes me feel supported and seen and provided me with the perfect anthem for some bullshit I had to deal with today. 

Monday, October 26, 2020

"But I know who holds tomorrow..."

26 October 2020: In the midst of a Monday that is jam-packed, including teaching, advising, a COVID test (for screening purposes), a meeting at which I'll have to be confrontational, and a workshop about a project I'm not sure I fully understand (or want to do). 

So this song popping up on Pandora helps:

 

We are swimming in so much uncertainty these days and I feel so deeply unsettled. Grateful for these words:

"Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand..."

Sunday, October 25, 2020

"You Got It All"

25 October 2020: Saw this song, "You Got It All" by The Jets, get mentioned in a tweet yesterday morning and it has been playing in my head non-stop since then. The opening bars are a like a time machine. The tune is simple and sweet. The lyrics are kind of lovely, too. Wistful and nostalgia-inducing with a touch of melancholy. In other words, a perfect "rainy Sunday in autumn" soundtrack. 


(By the way, the tweet was pointing out that the lead singer was about 13 (!) when she sang this.)

Saturday, October 24, 2020

"No matter what..."

24 October 2020: Got choked up today listening to one of my dear friends talk about how she's helping her son through some struggles. "No matter what, I love you," she told him. Not everyone hears that from their parents. What a gift that is. And it just makes me feel lucky to know her. 

Friday, October 23, 2020

Pumpkin carving...

 23 October 2020: Carved a pumpkin for the first time (I think?) since my senior year of college. Happy to have done it outside on a warm-ish autumn night with two of my favorite people six feet away. Add some Chinese take-out, smores over the fire-pit, and some dumb movies and it was a perfect night.






Thursday, October 22, 2020

Leave the World Behind

22 October 2020: “'I would feel better if I just knew what was happening.’ Amanda looked toward the hall, could hear the plash of water in the bathtub. These words were not true, but she did not know that.” –Rumaan Alam, Leave the World Behind

Finished this book last night. It's so good, but I don't think I want to ever read it again, at least not until "these interesting times" are over. Passages like the one above epitomize what it does so well--the haunting narrative voice, the little details, the increasingly desperate characters. A profoundly unsettling book. 

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

A poetic gift...

21 October 2020: Finished a discussion of "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" today in ENGL 204. When class was over, a student (who is over 21!) presented me with a can of this beer. She works at a liquor store and is a craft beer expert and was delighted to see this show up in the store. 

Incidentally, this was one of the best discussions of that poem I've had with a 204 class. I think it's because I finally divided it over two class periods and we could just take our time. 


(This is a picture I found online--I accidentally left the can in the fridge at work!) 


Tuesday, October 20, 2020

"The Promise"

20 October 2020: A long day--one of those "miles to go before I sleep" days. Not bad...just a lot. 

 

This song has been in my head on and off the past few days. Brandi and Catherine Carlile sang it at the live-streamed campfire sing-along Brandi and the twins did a couple of weeks ago and I re-watched it on Sunday. And did I just about die when they sang it? You know it.

Anyway, it's just such a masterpiece of a song, I think. Always makes me wistful and and calm. That's a pretty good energy for days like today. 

Monday, October 19, 2020

"With Will to choose, or to reject"

19 October 2020: We're covering this poem in my Dickinson seminar this week. I kind of can't stop thinking about it. Really feeling its energy and impulses these days, especially as I think about my earlier life, how I've come to see myself, and where I am going. 

I'm ceded — I've stopped being Theirs —
The name They dropped upon my face
With water, in the country church
Is finished using, now,
And They can put it with my Dolls,
My childhood, and the string of spools,
I've finished threading — too —

Baptized, before, without the choice,
But this time, consciously, of Grace —
Unto supremest name —
Called to my Full — The Crescent dropped —
Existence's whole Arc, filled up,
With one small Diadem.

My second Rank — too small the first —
Crowned — Crowing — on my Father's breast —
A half unconscious Queen —
But this time — Adequate — Erect,
With Will to choose, or to reject,
And I choose, just a Crown —

Sunday, October 18, 2020

Sunday vibes

18 October 2020: Got a decent amount done on a day that feels long. This even as the daylight leaves earlier and earlier. Lots of time to think and feel accomplished and then turn around and feel all the other ways. 

This year especially, these late afternoons and evenings feel like I'm fighting against the literal and figurative darkness and other inevitablities. 

Saturday, October 17, 2020

"And Life steps almost straight"

 17 October 2020: Grading Emily Dickinson essays today and find myself drawn to the poem below, mediation on grief and resilience that seems appropriate for times like these:

We grow accustomed to the Dark -
When light is put away -
As when the Neighbor holds the Lamp
To witness her Goodbye -

A Moment - We uncertain step
For newness of the night -
Then - fit our Vision to the Dark -
And meet the Road - erect -

And so of larger - Darknesses -
Those Evenings of the Brain -
When not a Moon disclose a sign -
Or Star - come out - within -

The Bravest - grope a little -
And sometimes hit a Tree
Directly in the Forehead -
But as they learn to see -

Either the Darkness alters -
Or something in the sight
Adjusts itself to Midnight -
And Life steps almost straight.

Friday, October 16, 2020

Frost in the time of COVID

16 October 2020: So many times this semester, I've been moved by how the literature I teach takes on new light or significance during this pandemic and political moment. Today it was Frost's "Mending Wall" in ENGL 204. We talked about walls, both literal and metaphorical and it occurred to me that masks and social distancing function as kinds of barriers proving "good fences make good neighbors." 

(I suppose my title has double meaning, since there's a frost advisory for tonight.)

Thursday, October 15, 2020

Virtual 5K

15 October 2020: My daily walk had a bit more purpose this morning, as it was in support of Shepherd Virtual 5K, with proceeds going to the Last Dollar Fund. Nice way to start the day.



Wednesday, October 14, 2020

P.S.

14 October 2020: Got an email from one of my favorite students (that's a big category, I know) that had this very simple inclusion: "P.S. you rock." 

So simple, but it made me smile in the midst of a long day. 

Tuesday, October 13, 2020

"a desire to walk into the ocean"

13 October 2020: Quoting from an email from one of my ENGL 301 students that gave me both validation and a hearty chuckle:

"I'd just like to thank you for your suggestion to have other people read a story for a reader-response paper! My theses are pretty much set in stone already. Having a group of average men read 'The Use of Force' was extremely illuminating, and handed me a thesis on a silver platter, unfortunately now I am overcome with a desire to walk into the ocean."

Monday, October 12, 2020

Dashboard frustration

12 October 2020: Really wish Shepherd would stick to its word and update the COVID dashboard on time. (It's supposed to be updated at 4:00 every weekday). For those of us there every day, doing our best, this seems like an easy way to keep/maintain trust. I start hitting refresh at 4:00 and sometimes the update doesn't come out until way later. Right now, at nearly 8:00, it's still showing Friday's numbers--numbers that indicated in a big jump in quarantines.

So yeah: maybe give us the info???

Sunday, October 11, 2020

Remember movie theaters???

11 October 2020: A message I just sent Hannah: "Like...seeing a movie on a fall (summer, spring, winter) day, settling in with your soda and popcorn, watchin' trailers, feeling your butt go numb but not (really) caring, hitting the bathroom as soon as its over, then talking with your homies about it after, maybe over some Waffle House or Thai food or whatever?"

Just really missing bits and pieces of "normal," especially as they feel more and more remote. 

Saturday, October 10, 2020

Midterm Grades: DONE!

10 October 2020: At around 7:00 p.m. this evening, I submitted my last set of midterm grades for this very strange semester. Still felt good, even though, like most things this semester, its very normalcy felt a bit surreal. 

Still, tradition demands chair-dancing.

Friday, October 9, 2020

46

9 October 2020: My brother would have turned 46 today. Because it's been a long day/week/month/year and I am tired, and because it feels different every year and grief keeps evolving and remains hard to describe, and because sometimes the simplest word does enough work, I'll just say it's sad.

But it's also true that often when I feel sad about his life and death, I find myself thinking about my students and how hopeful it is to be surrounded by college students, even in dark days like these. I also think their liveliness, their energy, and their wit reminds me of him in his better days. I think that he would get a kick out of them. 

So I was glad to spend some time this afternoon with the Sigma Tau Delta students as we hosted an "Outdoor Literature Celebration." To be honest, I wasn't thrilled about going at first. There was work I wanted to get done and I didn't think we'd get much of a turn-out on a late Friday afternoon during a pandemic. But darn it if I wasn't wrong--and I love being wrong about this. We had a pretty decent crowd and the event was kind of awesome. 

After it was over, I went back to my office and worked for another couple hours, and then walked over to pick up my weekly Thai food take-out. As I walked back to my car, I kept thinking about everything I've written about above. Then I started thinking about one especially impressive member of Sigma Tau Delta, someone whose parents struggle(d) with addiction. And here she is, thriving and inspiring. She's a delightful young woman who makes me laugh. I realized, in a different universe, she could be Ryan's kid. I don't know what to do with that, but it made me smile. He'd get a kick out of her, too. 

Thursday, October 8, 2020

Behaving herself...

8 October 2020: Yearly exam completed. As is usually the case, this semi-feral drama queen actually behaved pretty well. But her face in these pics reveals multitudes. 




Wednesday, October 7, 2020

Off it goes...

7 October 2020: As I walked to my class in Reynolds Hall today, Carrie was waiting outside. Usually that means the technology isn't work (she teaches there right before I do). "What's wrong this time?" I asked her. 

"Nothing wrong. Just weird," she answered. "There's a bird trapped in there."

Lord, did I worry about that bird. It flew back and forth throughout the class and looked stressed. And yes: I sure did project every bit of my own baggage on that little creature. (Among other emotions, I kept thinking about being stuck in the GSO airport on my way to an interview in upstate NY, watching a bird fly back and forth, trapped inside.)

When the class was over, I found a door in the back to prop open. A couple of hours later, Carrie texted me that it got out. What a relief. 

Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Done, I suppose...

6 October 2020: I turned in a big(ish) project today which definitely feels good, but the project itself--academic/institutional bureaucratic busywork--is sucking some of that good feeling away. But at least it's done. Whew.  

(It is interesting to see the ways I have allowed myself to get involved in precisely the kind of work I always said I never wanted to do. Sigh.)

Monday, October 5, 2020

"A Reason to Smile"

 “You won me over with your way of kissing and the way you hold me when we dance. You’re not a fantastic dancer, but you hold me fantastically…” –Hunny, to Elliot, her husband of 60+ years.

This is just a delightful episode of the StoryCorps podcast. Really hit the spot at the end of the day. 

Sunday, October 4, 2020

Nostalgia

4 October 2020: On a day where I once again find myself seeking escape in very old game show re-runs and dreaming of the "before times," this episode of Sawbones on nostalgia hits differently. I always remember a professor telling me that the word combines "'pain" and "home" and I've been acutely aware of its inherent bittersweet-ness ever since. 

Saturday, October 3, 2020

"Traveling Alone"

3 October 2020: Was in an pretty awesome mood most of the day--one where I even caught myself in the midst of it and wondered why. Said to myself--out loud--"you are having a good day." 

Things shifted a bit tonight, but hanging in there. Music hurts and helps in equal measure. 

Friday, October 2, 2020

"it is a little thing..."

2 October 2020: "Susie--it is a little thing to say how lone it is--anyone can do it,but to wear the loneness next to your heart for weeks, when you sleep, and when you wake, ever missing something, this, all cannot say, and it baffles me." --Emily Dickinson to Susan Gilbert, 1854.

Thursday, October 1, 2020

A bit of validation...

1 October 2020: Lots of meetings today with good folks. And that one person who was giving off bad vibes? Condescending and low-key aggressive? It's really validating to hear that I wasn't the only one picking up on those vibes. Not only does that show that I'm not crazy, but it makes me feel better about what I might have been giving off myself. Shew.  

Wednesday, September 30, 2020

The answer is "always..."

30 September 2020: 

Student at the end of a virtual office hours meeting: I know you are probably busy, but do you want to see my cat?

Me: Always. 

Readers, it was a good cat.

Tuesday, September 29, 2020

Playoff season...

29 September 2020: The Yankees played their first play-off game in this most unusual season. And they won big. That makes me happy. Apparently there was a debate on, too, but I just couldn't. Another reason to be grateful for baseball. 

Monday, September 28, 2020

"The Problem"

28 September 2020: What a powerful and beautiful song. Brave, too. 

And Lord, what sweet relief to hear those simple words: "I'm on your side." In any context, they are so welcome. 

Sunday, September 27, 2020

"see how the sunlight feels..."

27 September 2020: "It really isn't that hard to frame things, and people, in the most forgiving way available with the facts on hand. You will give people breaks they don't deserve sometimes, sure, but I'd rather be wrong occasionally than preemptively aggrieved and suspicious all the time. Wouldn't you? If you're unsure, would it hurt to try busting that rut, to see how sunlight feels?" --Carolyn Hax in her advice column in today's Washington Post 

This really is the way to live, isn't it? Or the way we should want to live? I try to articulate myself, but she does it so simply here. Might just put clip that passage out and carry it with me. I am trying, I am trying...

Saturday, September 26, 2020

"Phillis Reimagined"

26 September 2020: Catching up on the Poetry Off the Shelf podcast today and really enjoyed this episode. Added The Age of Phillis to my reading list.

Friday, September 25, 2020

"As imperceptibly as Grief..."

25 September 2020: Today in the Dickinson class, we talked about the poem below. It felt kind of perfect for today. 

#935

As imperceptibly as Grief
The Summer lapsed away —
Too imperceptible, at last
To seem like Perfidy —

A Quietness distilled
As Twilight long begun
Or Nature spending with herself
Sequestered Afternoon —

The Dusk drew earlier in —
The Morning foreign shone —
A courteous, yet harrowing Grace
As Guest that would be gone —

And thus without a Wing
Or service of a Keel
Our Summer made her light escape
Into the Beautiful

Thursday, September 24, 2020

"A good story..."

24 September 2020: “A good story…widens your world, pulls you in, and shows you who you can be.” --Dorothy Allison, in her keynote address tonight. 

Wednesday, September 23, 2020

Authenticity

23 September 2020: "I am as authentic as sin." --Dorothy Allison speaking at tonight's AHWIR event. Lord, she is amazing.

Today has been really rough: every story in the news, including the lack of justice for Breonna Taylor, just devastates me. But hearing Allison talk about the value of writing and the work it can do helps a bit. 

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

(Virtual) visit to Greensboro

22 September 2020: Visited my former professor/always-mentor's class today via Zoom to talk to her graduate students about teaching the American literature survey. Had an absolute blast. 

Monday, September 21, 2020

Career highlight???

21 September 2020: Gave a presentation about Dorothy Allison today. She watched it on Youtube live. And she left some comments. 

Swoon!


Sunday, September 20, 2020

Just hit "send"...

20 September 2020: I just sent in an article (not due until October 1). And tomorrow, I give a big presentation that I feel pretty darn ready for. By this time tomorrow, I'll have knocked off two big items on my "Fall Scholarship" to-do list. I know I have used this post title before, but the good feeling never gets old, even if it's a bit different every time. 

Also really grateful that I can still count on Vogel to be a careful reader for me.

Saturday, September 19, 2020

Absurdity...

19 September 2020: Just left a message for Vogel in which I said, "Anyway, I hope you are doing really well." Then I cackled out a "Ha!" and added, "that's ridiculous. The world is on fire. Anyway, talk to you soon." 

Friday, September 18, 2020

RBG

18 September 2020: Dear Lord. RBG, too? How much more can we take? Sadness upon sadness. Blow upon blow. It's just so hard and I am so sad and tired. And "normal" seems so far gone.