"I want to be in the arena"

30 November 2021: “I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage, or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.” --Brené Brown

Hannah, who is a Brené apostle, just shared this quotation with me. I told her it was just what I needed as I think about an opportunity I am pursuing. Grateful (again) for a good friend who comes through, especially when it's nearly 10:00 and I didn't have a post idea for the day. Ha!

Starting to wrap up...

29 November 2021: This is the last week of classes before finals, a time that is always a bit different from a normal week. We're done (as of today) with "new" material in every class. From here on out, it's reviewing, finishing projects, and presentations. The prep work ends as I slide into "support" and "grading" modes. It's bittersweet, too. 

And there, just around the corner, next semester is calling. 

"Other Bodies"

28 November 2021: I've been thinking a lot over this past week about the pain people carry with them. Some of this comes from listening to the latest episode of Slow Burn and hearing about Rodney King's hard, sad life after his beating. In so many ways, he makes me think of Ryan, who also walked around with addiction, depression, mental illness, and got in trouble with the law as a result of all of that. So often, I think how different his life would have been if he weren't white and middle class, how much earlier it might have ended, how much more violently, perhaps. 

And then I learned of the death of my former student and friend, who also suffered with mental illness and addiction. And who was, like my brother, brilliant and hilarious and could be so much fun. But there it always was: pain. 

I haven't been thinking about this all in an entirely depressing way. It's more like a useful set of reminders and a call to be compassionate and kind. For that, I am grateful. And there's beauty in recognizing what can emerge from that compassion and connection. 

This episode of The Memory Palace, which came up during my walk today, seems like a perfect companion to these thoughts. The story of  Jane Froman, a beautiful singer from the 30s and 40s who suffered life-long pain after a plane crash but still made lovely music, is worth hearing. Host Roman Mars moves towards a conclusion by pointing out how often we forget that those around us--including people we love--have bodies in pain. He adds, "We can't hold [other people's pains] in our heads because they are our heads. The best we can do is pause to imagine and try to remember."

I suppose that's an encapsulation of the theme/discussion going on in my head this Thanksgiving Break. 

Joe Pera Talks With You

26 November 2021: Since it's been on my mind most of break, as I've caught up on all the episodes, I've spent a lot of time today thinking about the fantastic Joe Pera Talks With You. I listened to two episodes of Bullseye--one with Jo Firestone, one with Pera--and read a bunch of essays about the show. I just can't put into words how lovely and moving it is--and funny, too. It's such a smart, gentle show about paying attention to others and the details of our lives that make us happy. This Vox article says it pretty well.

I learned this evening that a friend/former student passed away, so that's got me thinking about the Big Stuff. And Joe Pera is pretty good for thinking about the Big Stuff. Maybe I'll start a re-watch.  

700

25 November 2021: I am thankful on this Thanksgiving Day for 700 straight days of at least 10,000 steps. Spent the day with Erin, Eric, the girls, and Eric's dad and stepmom (and four (!) dogs). Lots to be grateful for. 

"The Proxy Marriage"

24 November 2021: Listened to this story this afternoon while water-sealing the fence (finally) and taking my walk. Been thinking about it ever since--the last paragraph especially, since in their discussion, Treisman and Patchett sort of disagreed about how to read the final lines. Relating perhaps (ha) a bit too much, I find myself fully ambivalent.

"In answer, she drew him close, to kiss the bride. William buried his hands in her curls, at the base of her neck, and felt her long-desired body press against him. Her soft mouth against his. The gingery smell. He thought he might weep with the relief of it, with the release of all the years of waiting, the intermittent periods of suppressed grief. Equal affection. Was this it? It didn’t have to be exactly equal. He would take anything close."

"Self-Compassion"

23 November 2021: Needed this one today: "Self-Compassion" by James Crews.

"Oh honey, I said—for once

without a trace of irony or blush of shame—

the touch of my own hand on my chest

like that of a stranger, oddly comforting

in spite of the facts."

88-60

22 November 2021: Very happy that the women's basketball team could put up such a decisive win when Hannah joined me for her annual sporting event. 

Got one!

21 November 2021: Whenever I see a student in ENGL 204 who shows real talent for literary analysis, I tease them/encourage them to consider an English major or minor, even if I know they never will. I figure it can't hurt to be told you are good at something.

One of the reasons I love teaching ENGL 204 is that I get to help non-majors see that they have smart and interesting things to say about literature and that literature connects to their lives. Bishop's "One Art" is a poem that, if you put the work into teaching it right, works so well to prove these points. It never misses. 

Anyway, I just got an email from one of my students saying that she is now going to be an English minor. She writes, "Ok so after Friday's class, especially after discussing One Art, I've decided I really want to pick up an English minor. I know if I stop pursuing it I'm going to be really mad at myself, so I wanted to ask you for any advice you had to give to me."

Counting this as a little win today. Shout-out to the amazing Elizabeth Bishop.  

Little sister's birthday...

20 November 2021: When we were little, Erin being upset about something would just devastate me. I have this memory of her crying because she didn't want to go to bed and being so sad, that I sobbed myself. I remember her crying while lining up at school in the morning when she had to be away from my mom all day for the first time. I would watch her from my line and hide my own tears because it was hard for me to explain why I was upset without feeling embarrassed. I was in fourth grade and should be stronger, after all. Just last week, we talked on the phone and she had a really bad cold. That same feeling came back again; I just feel so bad when she feels bad and feel like I need to fix it (which I just can't do). 

Today is Erin's (and Kelsie's) birthday. When I called her earlier, she sounded better, but said it has shifted to an ear infection and she was still quite uncomfortable. So yeah: I feel bad, too, and wish I could make it better. 

So this is a weird birthday tribute to her, I guess: my first best friend and still one of my favorite people after all these years. 

No justice...

19 November 2021: Just gutted over the verdict out of Kenosha today. Gutted, but not surprised.

Too many times, I've found myself walking into a classroom feeling utterly defeated by the broken world we are giving to the next generation. It happened again today, as I walked into ENGL 312. My students still give me faith and hope, as they shared (without my influencing them) their own sadness and anger. But I'm even more afraid for them, as peaceful protesters can be gunned down with no consequences. 

Right now I just want to go home and shut off the world for a while. And I know that's a privilege and luxury so many don't have. 

Conferencing, grading, responding...

18 November 2021: Spent today conferencing with students from each of my classes, grading Response Papers from ENGL 307, and responding to an Honors Capstone project. In other words, an entire day thinking about, talking about, and helping students with their work, particularly their writing--and working with just about every kind of student I teach.

My brain is tired from the mental gymnastics, but today was a good reminder of the kinds of students we serve--their challenges, their strengths, their needs. It is such a joy and privilege, too, to give them positive feedback and help--to see their confidence grow or be reaffirmed. 

So I am tired but grateful, a pretty constant state these days. 

Back in action...

17 November 2021: Got to see the women's basketball team play in person for the first time since Winter 2020. It was amazing. And they won. 

Once a year...

16 November 2021: Once a year, this cat actually cuddles up to me for protection and comfort. I pet her and scratch her back and she purrs and stretches into it. Of course, it only happens at the vet, after a lengthy battle to get her in the carrier and after a meow-filled drive there. But once we're there and I pull her out of the carrier and we wait for the doctor to come in, she buries herself again me and remembers that she actually does like being petted and that I am her favorite person. It's sweet and frustrating at the same time. And she almost always behaves just fine for the doctor.

Photo taken before I moved her to the exam table and she cuddled up. 

Until next year, super-soft fur!

My constant back-up...

15 November 2021: Not quite three months since we lost Bing and I still feel his absence deeply and acutely at times. Simply put, I still miss him very much. But I am so blessed to have Wes and (even--ha!) Veronica around. 

Veronica seems to miss Bing, too. She's extra-vocal these days, a bit friendlier, and more at war with herself over the part of her that wants to be petted and the part that doesn't than I've ever seen before. It's fascinating. 

Wesley is, in some ways, living his best life, trying to play that alpha role. It makes me happy for him, but also sad that he was such a beta for so long. I also have all kinds of mixed emotions that he doesn't miss Bing more. It's complicated. 

One thing that remains the same, though--and something that I am so grateful for--is that they are both very present. I am rarely alone in a room. And there is nothing more comforting and heart-warming than to find Wes in his favorite spot, backing me up. 

Application in...

14 November 2021: Took a big step today, applying for a new position at Shepherd. I feel split right down the middle, equally very excited and not-at-all certain about it. I wonder about my motivations, which voices in my head (and otherwise) to listen to, and how I can keep my own happiness in sight--and just what that really is, not what think/want it to be. 

But all I've done so far is apply. And I can keep thinking and praying about it. So we'll see what happens next. 

Half and half?

13 November 2021: At the open house this morning, one of my colleagues asked me what my plans for the day were. I told her that I wasn't sure yet, but that I was trying to do one "work" day and one "non-work" day every weekend. She laughed and said that sounded good. But as she left, she sort of whispered to me, "You know, no work on both days would be okay, too..." 

After the open house, I came home and did some laundry and cleaning. Went to lunch and a movie with Amy. Came back home, took a walk, and then...got some work done (letters of recommendation, emails, etc.) with TV on in the background. Definitely not a work-free day, but not a completely failed attempt at Project Balance. And I do feel better with those letters off my mind. So maybe half and half? 

Vaccine taxi...

12 November 2021: Long day today (long days every day this week), but I got to end the public part of it by taking Carrie and Charlotte to a local church so Charlotte could get her vaccine. First, I love feeling useful. But more than that, it was surreal in the best way to sit in the car and wait for them, knowing that inside this child who I've known since she was a baby (Carrie actually interviewed for the position at Shepherd when she was pregnant) was getting this miracle of a vaccine and that everyone who loves her can breath a bit easier now. 

"A bit of everything" kind of day

11 November 2021: Had an early meeting, got some course prep done, did some Senate work, attended some conference presentations (MAPACA is online this year), had lunch with Hannah (an unexpected delight!), delivered my own paper (went well!), had dinner with my parents, and called Krista for her 9th birthday. Not a dull moment and lots of good ones.  

"Nobody’s ever trying to do their worst..."

10 November 2021: “Sometimes Dr. Tarrasch makes me repeat this thing. She makes me say, I’m doing the best I can. I thought it was corny, but I don’t know. It kind of works. Nobody’s ever trying to do their worst, I guess." --Lionel, in Brandy Colbert's Little and Lion

We are two classes into our discussion of this book in the YA course. So far, it's been great. I took some time at the beginning of today's class to focus on the bit above, using it as a way to make space for students to catch their breath and feel a bit encouraged during this stressful time of the semester. It worked really well. 

Catherine Clinton on campus

9 November 2021: Got to hear Catherine Clinton talk about her book, Harriet Tubman: The Road to Freedom tonight. (It's this year's Common Reading.) Still so grateful to have these events back in person and for the chance to hear an important historian talk about her work. I get to have dinner with her tomorrow night, too, something I am really looking forward to.

The Amber Ruffin Show

8 November 2021: Just catching up on last Friday's episode of The Amber Ruffin Show. It's just so good. It manages to be smart, funny, biting, and sweet. This bit killed me. 

Sex Education

7 November 2021: After Hannah recommended it to me, I finally started watching Sex Education on Netflix last night. It's so good! Funny, sweet, smart, moving. Just a blast. About to finish the first season, thanks mostly to a quiet Saturday evening and Sunday. (Booster reactions have been pretty mild--sore arm and maybe some fatigue.)

Boosted!

6 November 2021: Got my vaccine booster this morning. So far, so good. Arm's a bit sore and maybe feeling tired, but also feeling relieved and grateful. Amy and I saw SU volleyball win another great match this afternoon. Now settled back home for a quiet evening. I am thinking pizza, TV, blankets, and an early bedtime. Not bad!

Home again...

5 November 2021: Back from SSAWW (Baltimore is always so much closer than I remember!), unpacked, settled back in. Had dinner with Amy tonight and watched SU volleyball win (again). I know I keep saying this, but it really does feel like the downslope now. 

SSAWW

4 November 2021: Here are your clues: replying to  work emails that piled up during sessions, hotel artwork in the background, and a lanyard that I only just realized I forgot to remove. That's right: in-person conferences are back!

There's that feeling again...

3 November 2021: That feeling my post title refers to? That particular brand of low-level anxiety before a trip, in this case, a trip for a conference. Haven't felt this in two years! (I have done conferences since then, but they've been virtual.) Remarkable how similar the feelings are, including a whole lot of "I wish this were already over even though I know it will be fun" and "Can't wait to pull back into the driveway." 

Big old check mark...

2 November 2021: With a great group of colleagues, I checked a big item off my to-do list today. Feels pretty good and also kind of weird. But I am going to focus on the "pretty good" part right now.

Bump on the downslope...

1 November 2021: Monday has provided a good reminder that the metaphor in yesterday's post could use a bit of clarification. I got to campus before 7:00 a.m. and walked in the door here at home at 7:11 p.m. So much to do/take care of/manage. A bit of a bump on the downslope. But it's still a downslope (please?). Ha.