Dinner break...

30 September 2021: A string of high-stress days left me really yearning for an evening with a definite "off" switch for work. So, I asked Amy if she wanted to have dinner in Martinsburg and then made sure to be home in time for a Thursday night group video chat with my RC buds. Little victory for Project Balance.

The best part of the job...

29 September 2021: Today was tough. Got to campus before 7:00 a.m., took my walk and tripped, going down pretty hard on my knee and (weirdly) bruising the tip of my thumb. Not a great way to start the day.

Once I got back to my office, I was on the phone, in meetings, or in class pretty much non-stop. My only non-work moments included 1) a call with the vet's office about refilling Wesley's food* and 2) thirty minutes sitting at Wednesday Lunch with a couple of colleagues. But I almost broke down in tears during the first one and couldn't focus or enjoy myself during the second one.

Most of today's stress involved that big work project I am in charge of. Just minor, stupid, urgent, time-consuming stuff. And so much of it.

The thing is--and I know I have said and written about this before--the three hours in the classroom (and the two more spent meeting with students and re-teaching a class for a quarantined student)? That part was wonderful. It always is. Always the best part of any work day. 

Going into my afternoon classes, I was feeling that acutely, actually looking forward to them so much. And I told my students that. "The best part of the job," I said, "is the actual job, the part that got me into it." It's so worth remembering. I need to remember that and start letting other stuff take less of my energy. 

*The message they left said they couldn't give me the refill it until I brought him in for a visit. I called back and said "he's 17 and you have to sedate him to see him..." and went on for a bit and nearly cried. I added, "I've been bringing my cats to you faithfully since 2007. And I just lost my 19 year old cat..."** By that point, the woman I was speaking to--who was really kind and lovely--said they were just following procedure but she understood and she would talk to the doctor about overriding the requirement. So we'll see. I just don't want to bring him in unless I have to.

**Losing Bing is really hitting me hard these past few days. I am not sure why. I think part of it is just being stressed and wishing for comfort and knowing he's not here. And I guess I didn't let myself feel all of this too much at first. 

Balm...

28 September 2021: Crazy, busy, stressful and limit-testing day. At one point, this idea smashed into my mind, too: "I wish I could see Bing when I get home." Ugh. 

But right now, sitting and reflecting on it, I find myself thinking how blessed I am to have friends I can vent to (and even laugh with) about all of this stuff, whether in person or via text. It's amazing what a difference that makes. And as I type this, Wesley sits next to me, his paws stretched over my arm. A few feet away, Veronica lounges on the coffee table. 

I am very lucky. 

"Sometimes my body suddenly remembers..."

27 September 2021: 

Saw this tweet early this morning and it's been on my mind all day. There is comfort in realizing that others feel that same knee-bending awe and pain sometimes.

Sometimes my body suddenly remembers how heartbreaking the pandemic has been and continues to be and I just… have to sit down.

— Saeed Jones (@theferocity) September 27, 2021

Pawprints...

26 September 2021: Finally moved the little pawprint impression the emergency vet made for me when Bing died. It has been sitting on the dining room table (next to the box with his ashes--a whole other story) for a couple of weeks now. I have no idea where to put it. Something about those little feet just still gets to me. Every time I hold it, I put my fingers in the impressions, remembering his paws stretched out to me. I never felt alone in those moments. And that specific set of memories is too sad right now, a little over a month later. Right now, it's on my dresser upstairs, but I am not sure where it will be long-term. It feels so personal and private. A box of ashes just doesn't have the same resonance.

Maybe it's the Sunday blues sliding in, but I didn't expect to be teary-eyed over missing him tonight. 

Also feeling a bit overwhelmed by all I have to do and yet don't have the motivation to do any more of it tonight. (It will get done...) I am grateful for some fun and silly TV coming back tonight: The Great North, Bob's Burgers, and Supermarket Sweep. Grateful for the little things. 

Appalachian Heritage Festival

25 September 2021: After a long day getting lots of housework done, this evening, I went with Amy to the Appalachian Heritage Festival concert on campus. Outside in the Butcher Center Plaza, it really felt like fall after the sun went down, but it felt good to be back at an event I've enjoyed so much in the past. And to marvel at people so gifted with musical talent.

Volleyball!

24 September 2021: First volleyball game at SU since pre-pandemic. Felt wonderful and frenetic and joyful...and just a bit scary (people still don't know how to wear masks and some just refused?). And Shepherd won, so that was thrilling. 

A pretty good one...

23 September 2021: A full day today where I got work done on a lot of different projects and sat through a bunch of meetings. And all and all, it was a good one. Home by 5:30 on a lovely early fall day. Made dinner and relaxed a bit. Still miles to go, but a day that made me feel pretty good.

"You're allowed..."

22 September 2021: “You’re allowed to feel both overwhelmed and blessed at the same time. It’s just a matter of which feeling you let take the driver’s seat.” 

I saw this quotation on Twitter today, attributed to Dela Yador. It really spoke to me as I wrestle with more work, stress, and obligation than I have in some time--along with Big Thoughts and concerns about non-work stuff. I appreciate the permission it gives to feel both ways. 

Poetry Under the Stars

21 September 2021: I should know by now not to doubt the Sigma Tau Delta students when they plan an event. Tonight, their "Poetry Under the Stars" event went really well--good turnout, good participation. And while we couldn't see the stars (too cloudy), I was pretty darn proud. 

911

20 September 2021: My favorite dumb TV show is back tonight. I have no reasonable explanation for why it is just what I need after a long day; it just is. Spent nearly eleven hours on campus today and sitting here watching this ridiculousness is good for my soul.

WISH reception

19 September 2021: Every year, it's not until I am sitting there listening to the presentations that I realize how much I enjoy the WISH reception. This year, we gave out $125K, funding four different grants. It's amazing how women coming together can have such an impact. 

Malignant

18 September 2021: What a fun, dumb, and visually fascinating movie! Perfect end to a day where I was mostly on campus in my office.

Another week done...

17 September 2021: 

[Catch-up post]

The fact that I didn't post on Friday shows that it was a busy day--but a good one. Got a lot done, but quit working by 5:30 or so. Then took the rest of the night off--got some dinner with Amy, watched a movie. 

Pretty good balance day? 

Juggling...

16 September 2021: Things I worked on today and made actual progress on:

• Finalizing details and procedures for our Provost Zoom interviews
• Meeting with my team for our portion of the Strategic Plan process
• My monthly meeting with the President 
• Grading papers for my ENGL 307 class (at least some of them)
• Writing a new page for my Scarborough Society lecture
• Completing travel request and authorization forms for the SSAWW conference
• Answering about 1000 emails

It was a lot, but I managed to cover a lot of bases and feel like everything moved forward a bit. 

Treated myself tonight with dinner at Kome and the faculty jazz concert (outside--lovely!) after that (with Amy). 

Pancake run...

15 September 2021: Planned on grading some papers tonight, even after getting to the office before 8:00 and packing in a full day. But then Amy and I decided on a whim to get some dinner and ended up at IHOP. Then we pulled over on the way home to watch a huge storm roll through for a bit. (In part because I was like, "Is that a tornado?" It wasn't). 

I'm home now and sending emails and such, but no papers will be graded. And I am cool with all of this.*

*for now at least? Ha. 

"Even one sentence..."

14 September 2021: "Don't be too precious about writing. Even one sentence a day keeps you alive." --Alexander Chee

Apparently Chee gives this advice to his students. On a day where I have spent all day working but none of it on my pressing writing projects, I am motivated to use the tiny window of time I have coming up when this meeting I am sitting in is over to get some writing done. Even one sentence...

"Makes you want to throw a brick..."

13 September 2021: After reading Walden, I finished up Thoreau with my ENGL 312 class today with a discussion of "Civil Disobedience." This is a small but dedicated class, with smart ideas and strong opinions. They struggled with Thoreau's persona at times as we moved through Walden but were so much more welcoming of the version of him they see in this essay. I wanted us to think and talk about why. My post's title was one student's answer: he moved them and motivated them or tapped into something they were feeling. 

I told them that I was wondering what difference it made that they are the age they are at this particular moment, where the world seems so lost and broken. They nodded enthusiastically and talked about the "hermit" urge vs. the "throw a brick" urge. One student said something that I will think about for a while: "We've just come out of isolation. We want to do something now--for other people, with other people." 

Just a great discussion all around.  

Back at it, more or less...

12 September 2021: Got a bunch of stuff done this morning and this afternoon (though, significantly, none of it is related to my teaching or writing projects...sigh). But one piece at a time. And I managed to have some fun in the afternoon, seeing Anna and Josh for the first time in months. 

Balance Day

11 September 2021: 

[Catch-up post]

My work-less day went pretty well except for one minor disaster. Jane and I planned a mutual birthday-get-together for Saturday. After telling myself for weeks not to forget Jane's gift...I forgot Jane's gift, realizing when I was about 40 minutes into my drive. I cried when I realized it and burst into tears again when I got to her apartment. So that was a thing. (And signs--both the forgetting and the flood of tears--that I needed a day off.)

Despite my tears and forgotten present, I had a great time with Jane, walking around Reston Town Center (where there was a fine arts fair going in), going to Trader Joe's (my first time ever!), and just hanging out. It was lovely.

When I got back to Shepherdstown, Amy and I had dinner and then went to one of Dow and Annette's backyard concerts. Perfect night.

Long Friday...

10 September 2021: Long but productive day today. A big project that I am chairing moved forward in a big way today. When I think about all that I have to do this weekend--a weekend in which I am basically doing no work tomorrow--I feel a bit overwhelmed. But it will be okay. Forcing Project Balance even when I really don't want to. Ha. 

Little paw prints...

9 September 2021: Drove to Winchester this morning (a good 90 minutes round-trip) to pick up Bing's ashes and an impression of his paw prints. They called a week and a half ago to let me know both were ready, but between work and being sick and work again, this was my first chance to do this errand I really didn't want to do. The drive was fine--listened to a new audiobook from the library. But the actual pick-up--holding a velvet bag with a wooden box in it, looking at those tiny footprints, sitting in the car with it before starting the engine--it was more emotional than I thought it would be. 

I still miss him. A lot. (It's only been 2.5 weeks...)

But I'll be okay. 

I drove home and this guy was there to help.

A wonderful "negative"...

8 September 2021: After waiting a couple of days, I got a much-anticipated, much-worried-over result for a COVID test today: negative. I was pretty certain that's what it would be, but man does your mind go places when you wait. And simply waiting and quarantining is so disruptive and disorienting. 

Anyway, feeling profoundly grateful and lucky and blessed tonight. 

Pages that may disappear...

7 September 2021: Made some good progress today on my MAPACA conference paper. It's interesting: the piece I wrote today is kind of the first act (after the intro) before getting to the heart of the paper. It's pretty solid, but I also realize it's precisely the kind of section that goes from two pages in a draft to one paragraph in a delivered paper--sacrificed to make room for another section. And yes, those pieces often come back when something goes to article length, but that isn't in my plans for now. So these pages are here: solid, done, important, but also impermanent. And that's okay. It's just part of the process.

Mood lifter...

6 September 2021: Only recently started to let youtube play on the TV while I am working. Keeping it vague, it's been a tough day/weekend in lots of ways. This song and its amazing video, though, which just popped up? Instant mood lifter.  

Convalescent viewing...

5 September 2021: Dealing with some kind of stomach thing today. Mostly sharp pains and cramps, so it could be grosser, but could also be a lot less painful. After my walk this morning, I am mainly sticking to the couch or living room chair, watching movies. Weirdly, the two so far have an unintentional "pregnancy" theme. Together Together first and then Hulu just autoplayed Plan B, which I've also been meaning to watch. Both are really sweet and charming. Might take on False Positive next, really sticking to the theme and knocking three "I've been meaning to check that out" items off my list. 

Done by 6:00 p.m.

4 September 2021: Had a moderately ambitious to-do list for today and got it all done by 6:00 p.m., including my 10K steps. Part of me thinks I should have had more items on it, but the other part of me is trying to take this as a solid win.

Looking forward to my group chat tonight. It's been weeks since I've gotten to go to one and I really miss seeing those folks' faces. 

Those optimistic first-years...

3 September 2021: Anytime I think about the state of the world lately, it...doesn't make me feel great. Nevertheless, this piece from Inside Higher Ed today--showing that 90% (!!!) of first-year students feel optimistic about their future gave me a lift. It's a short article and more nuanced than what I've included would indicate. And optimism, of course, doesn't equal success, but knowing that they believe in a positive future gives me a bit more hope. 

Hospital Sketches

2 September 2021: “As no two persons see the same thing with the same eyes, my view of hospital life must be taken through my glass, and held for what it is worth. Certainly, nothing was set down in malice, and to the serious-minded party who objected to a tone of levity in some portions of the Sketches, I can only say that it is a part of my religion to look well after the cheerfulnesses of life, and let the dismals shift for themselves; believing, with good Sir Thomas More, that it is wise to 'be merrie in God.'" -Louisa May Alcott, Hospital Sketches

I finished reading Hospital Sketches today so I can start the entry on it for my book. (Random choice, but you have to start somewhere.) It was so interesting to take on: a book whose tone varies wildly, but in ways that make sense (as the selection above indicates). 

Things are so horrible everywhere--COVID still killing, the reality of climate change ravaging both coasts, evils laws doing damage and threatening to do more. It's overwhelming and has been since...2016? Reading Alcott write about experiences in perhaps the darkest time in American history (and about one of the darkest places)...well, it just gives me a lot to think about. 

Ida moving through...

1 September 2021: The remnants of Hurricane Ida (now not even a tropical storm) moving through have certainly made things interesting the past 36 hours. So far, it doesn't seem too bad right here, but the campus closed at noon so people could get home safely. I shifted my 1:10 and 2:10 class online (with no penalty for people who couldn't attend), shared the Zoom discussion with everyone, and stayed on schedule. That's a win in my book.

Also a win: the incoming lower temperatures and humidity.