A pretty good one...

31 August 2019: Started the day  listening to a new episode of one of my favorite podcasts while on a long walk in the neighborhood. The weather was quite lovely, too. Ran some errands. Got some work done. Did some laundry. Spent some time reading (for fun!). Saw a movie with Amy (Don't Let Go--not great, but an interesting premise and some good acting from the leads). Had dinner out. Called the parents. Now sitting here at home with the windows open and getting ready to dive back into my book.

So yeah: a pretty good day. That's a couple in a row, which I sure do appreciate.

"American Girl"

30 August 2019: The soundtrack to a pretty cool night...

The Coquette and Depression

29 August 2019: "I would fly to almost any resort, rather than my own mind. What a dreadful thing it is to be afraid of one's own reflections, which ought to be a constant source of enjoyment!" --Eliza Wharton in Hannah Webster Foster's The Coquette

I am teaching The Coquette again in my ENGL 346 class. On this read-through I am struck by Eliza's "melancholy" and how much it reads like our modern conception of depression. This spoiler is about 220 years old, but basically, she kind of wastes away until she dies. Very 18th/19th century in a literary sense, but also not a bad description of what it must feel like to be so very depressed.

Back at it...

28 August 2019: Today really felt like a "back at it" day. Taught the four classes. Held three office hours. Met with my practicum students. Met with the Sigma Tau Delta president. Enjoyed the first Wednesday Lunch Group of the semester. Got to the office at about 8:00 a.m. Left at 7:00 p.m.

A bit exhausting, a lot overwhelming, but also pretty good. One step forward, I hope...

"At a Days Inn in Barstow, California"

27 August 2019: This poem has sat in my inbox for over three months. That happens sometimes with a poem-of-the-day email in which the poem moves me, but I am not sure what to do with it. I leave it there, re-reading it every once in a while. And sometimes, finally, I post it here.

I re-read this one when I was Massachusetts this summer, traveling and thinking about how lonely it could be. I also thought about those words of pseudo-encouragement on the box: "Life is hard / not unbeatable."

It also seems worth sharing what the poet said about it, included in the email: “This poem is from a series I’ve been working on of poems set in motels across America. My hope in these poems is to explore questions of travel, distance, intimacy, and connection when one is passing through a place in the vast American landscape. This poem is also about grief, particularly the grief of losing a loved one to suicide, which in my experience, over 20 years since my mother’s death, is an ongoing and, in some ways, ever-changing journey.”

First day...

26 August 2019: The first day of the Fall 2019 semester is in the books and it was...fine? Four good classes filled with good students.

I just have memories of feeling more excited and energized on previous first days. But maybe I am mis-remembering.

And maybe I am awfulizing (to borrow a term I learned from my psychologist sister) because I was counting on being back in session to fix things. But that was perhaps a bit foolish.

Because classes or no classes, the stuff is still there and it still needs working out. Got a crystal clear reminder of that. Oh well.

One indisputably bright moment: this evening I treated myself to an episode of Derry Girls (really trying to pace myself, but there's only one more left!). One scene in particular brought back the never-quite-gone-teenager inside me. What a terrific show this is!

Helping helps...

25 August 2019: Helped some friends with some low-intensity, not at all laborious moving today. They were very kind and thankful, but honestly, I feel like they did me a favor. It's good to feel useful. And it makes me feel good to help people who I care about. Win-win for a Sunday.

Late Summer-Time Achievement: Unlocked!

24 August 2019: Today was a good day. Saw my Roanoke friends (albeit briefly) at Jane's b-day party and then made it to the Suns game and got a Mike Mussina bobble-head. The line was so long (and we got there kind of early!) that it was a bit close, but I got one. The weather was gorgeous. The Suns won. I spent the day with people I love.

Today was a good day. :)

Convocation 2019

23 August 2019: Gave a speech today at opening convocation. I've been thinking about what to say since they first asked me to do it in April. Lots of thinking about my own first year in college. That's been kind of fascinating.

Anyway, it's done and I think it went okay. And now it really does feel like we are almost ready to hit play on this new semester. Feeling ready...

I see you...

22 August 2019: Wesley, ever present when I get ready in the morning. Someone else likes to pretend she doesn't care. But girl, I see those feets...

Getting closer...

21 August 2019: I am pretty convinced that what might help jolt me out of my funk is simply getting back to a normal teaching schedule. And it won't be long now. Today my favorite colleagues were back on campus and just seeing them made me feel better.

Derry Girls

20 August 2019: The other day I realized that Netflix had the second season of Derry Girls. This little show delighted me when I watched season one earlier this year, so having season two show up is pretty exciting. I watched one episode yesterday, but since the seasons are so short, I am trying to be relatively slow with them. (We'll see how that goes...) Right now, just thinking about watching another episode before bed tonight is making me happy.

Happy emails...

19 August 2019: You know what's lovely? When you get an email out of the blue from someone who read an article you wrote and he wants you to know how much he liked it, how it made him rethink some things, and made him want to reread the texts you wrote about. That happened to me today and it's been making me smile every time I think about it.

I am also just touched by the kindness of it. He read the thing, looked up my email address, and took the time to send me the message. It's just so thoughtful.

Sometimes it feels like the Lord reaches out and sends you a nice little sign when you need it.

"Long Way to Fall"

18 August 2019: Kind of a tough day. Up in my office working on another Sunday night, a good way to push through the blues. And this song came on. Felt appropriate, especially as a big storm rolled through. I look out the window in front of me and the sky is black.



Of course, if I turn my head and look behind me out the other window, I can see the sky back there is much brighter. There's a metaphor to read a few ways, I guess.

Thinking back to August '95...

17 August 2019: Spent a lot of time yesterday and today working on the speech I am giving at the opening convocation on Friday. This is the last (non-research) item on my summer to-do list. Although I have been thinking about it and sketching it out in my head for months, I only started drafting yesterday. Right now, I think it's okay. I had my friend Hannah read it and she gave some great feedback. At this point, I am going to focus on fine-tuning and practicing. Should be okay...

More interestingly, working on it has had me thinking a lot about my own first-year experience back in 1995. It was so tough. For years, in fact, even when I was well into working as a teacher, I would still feel a kind of residual anxiety and pain (albeit muted) when I would see students moving in.

I think what I understand now is that back then, I really had no sense of who I was, what I wanted to do, or how I could feel comfortable in my skin. I was also so damaged from a very rough junior and senior year--a major falling out with my best friends, lots of crises at home, and my beloved high school closing down right before my senior year. But the time I arrived at college, I was so vulnerable and insecure. No wonder I struggled.

Twenty-four years later, I know who I am and what I want to do. I think I am pretty good at it.

I am still working on some of the other stuff and might always be.

I wonder if some of the rough spell I am in right now is evidence that in some ways, I haven't come that far.

I realize this isn't the most coherent post...inconclusive and totally all over the place. But it's late and I am tired and maybe it's okay for this post to be this way.

"Had the Vines Budded, Were the Pomegranates in Bloom"

16 August 2019: This poem, by S. Brook Corfman, from the Poem-a-Day email list, fascinates me. I am pretty sure I don't understand it very well (yet?), but its imagery and moves are captivating. I especially love those first few lines, the surprising yet perfect turn they take us on: "My old lover was Catholic and lied to me about the smallest things. Now he’s dying and I’m trying to forgive everyone standing in line ahead of me at the grocery store." So much going on here about interiority and autonomy versus openness and vulnerability...

Glow: Season 3

15 August 2019: Technically I finished watching season 3 of Glow yesterday, but I've been thinking about it a lot today. Like the second season, there is so much to love here. I've been commenting back and forth with a friend on Facebook about Sam's character. Who would have though Marc Maron would be so appealing and relate-able? But trust me: there is so much more to this show.

Two things...

14 August 2019: Still working through this funk I've been in, which seems more intense when I've got lots of unstructured time on my hands. ("Unstructured," of course, isn't the same as "nothing to do." I've got lots to get done...)

Anyway, as I know I've written about so often before, walking always helps. On my walk today, two things made me feel better. First, The Hilarious World of Depression, particularly this episode about travel. I actually intentionally waited until after my research trip to listen to it because I was a bit worried it would hit too close to home. But it's really interesting and moving, as all the episodes are.

Second, a conversation with a neighbor. As I walked down one cul-de-sac, I waved to a woman doing yard work. (I wave so much on these walks--to passing cars, to people in their yards, to cats sunning themselves...) On my pass back up the street, the woman cut across the road to talk to me. "Are you Dr. Hanrahan?" she asked. Turns out she remembered me from my Lectures and Libations talk. She also remembered that I had won the award right before and congratulated me again. I complimented her yard and asked her about a plant that stands out to me every time I walk by. (Turns out it's a type of milkweed. Huh!)

When you are having a rough time, having something like that happen? It means so much. And yet another reminder of how blessed I am to live in this place and have this job.

Easy-baking...

13 August 2019: Erin and the girls came for a visit today. We had lunch at my favorite place in town and then headed back home to visit some more and try out the Easy Bake Oven that Olivia handed down to them (and that has been sitting in my living room for over a month). The results were not spectacular for a grown-up palate, but the children approved.

"Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Twine"

12 August 2019: Listened to this delightful episode of 99% Invisible on my walk today. It made me wanna hop in the car and drive to all of these strange and fun places.

Also turned 42 today. A quiet day, but that's okay.

"No. Shut up. And get out."

11 August 2019: Early this afternoon, I listened to this episode of Studio 360, originally broadcast in 2014, but replayed on the podcast feed after Toni Morrison's death last week. It's a really wonderful interview, with insights on her life and her writing. It's also very funny. This post's title comes from the three things Morrison tells Hilton Als (the interviewer) she feels free to say now that she's older. Made me laugh out loud.

Home again...

10 August 2019: After a nine hour drive (not too bad), I got home just before 5:00. I mean, the cliche rings true: for me, there is no place like home, especially when I've got the boys (and Veronica...) waiting for me. All settled in now--unpacked, did some cleaning, even did the laundry. I just got back from a long walk in the neighborhood.

It's a pleasant evening out and I've opened the windows, quite welcome after the house has been closed up for a week. There's a little breeze and the air smells sweet.The cats are contented...and so am I.

Wrapping up in MA...

9 August 2019: “O very dear friend, life is a gift, blessed as it is awful! To think how close we are to another’s for good or evil, do what we will! We cannot be apart from our fellow beings…” --Lucy Larcom to John Greenleaf Whittier, 25 December 1881

I wrapped up my research at Wheaton this afternoon and am heading back home in the morning. I think I've gotten some good stuff for my project, whatever that ends up being/looking like.

Apart from what I might write about her work as a teacher, I am grateful for little glimpses of who she was, like the one above. She struggled to make sense of her world, her life, and her role in it. She suffered and felt pain (physical and all the other kinds, too). But she believed in the value of love and work and connection. I find that inspiring.

Larcom as Teacher...

8 August 2019: Got a lot done today in the Wheaton College Archives and got an even better sense of Lucy Larcom as a teacher. Some images that made me laugh and think what has changed in higher education over 150 years and what is not all that different:

 Some favorites from a “list of errors” compiled from compositions: 

“youster” for “used to” 

“oughter” for “ought to” 

“Minerver” for “Minerva” [hello, New England accents!]

“to” for “too” (very often) [some things never change…]

A report card of sorts for a Botany student. Miss Smith seems to be doing well!

Uh-oh! These girls are on the "Running Up Stairs" list! 

A (very partial) list of the (presumably) decent compositions Larcom read one term. Highlights include:

“Talking and Conversing”

“The Delights of Disorder”

“Were You Ever in a Kitchen?”

“Something About Trees”

Hello, Wheaton!

7 August 2019: Next stop on the research trip: Wheaton College, where Lucy Larcom taught everything from composition to botany. Had fun exploring the campus this afternoon.

Mapparium

6 August 2019: Today is the day the Historical Society stays open until 7:45, so I was able to get through all my boxes and finish up by 6:45 or so. Long day! But I did sneak away during a lunch break and visit the Mapparium which was basically just around the corner. I've wanted to visit it since I first read about it Jhumpa Lahiri's story "Sexy."

It's really something. Beautiful and peaceful and a perfect break in the day.

Temptation everywhere!

5 August 2019: When you are trying to focus on your very specific topic but a gosh-darn Phillis Wheatley manuscript pops up in the collection you are examining and you can't believe it is in your hand. (Also popping up: Emerson, Alcott, Stowe. Temptation/distraction everywhere!)

Boston....

4 August 2019: Drove up to Boston today for my research trip. Made it in about 8.5 hours. Not too bad. I am staying in Back Bay and that's pretty cool--very walkable and interesting. The weather (though a tiny bit humid) made for great walking and exploring. Tomorrow starts the researchin'.

Overheard outside the bakery...

3 August 2019: Filled with pre-trip anxiety today, but also doing my best to enjoy the day. Something that helped? Picking up a birthday cake for a friend's b-day dinner today. Also helping? This bit of conversation I overheard outside the bakery...

First, as I walked in, a young woman stepped out to take a phone call, a big smile on her face. Then, when I came back outside, she was wrapping up the call. "Okay, I'll see you in a month," she said before adding, "I get to see you in a month!" It was so sweet and genuine that I just smiled. I love those overheard moments when you get just a glimpse of some bigger story.

Odds and ends...

2 August 2019: Spent today mostly getting ready for my research trip: cleaning, shopping, organizing, packing. An odd day, but not a bad one.

"Little Exercise"

1 August 2019: This poem is really speaking to me today.

"Little Exercise"
By Elizabeth Bishop

for Thomas Edwards Wanning

Think of the storm roaming the sky uneasily
like a dog looking for a place to sleep in,
listen to it growling.

Think how they must look now, the mangrove keys
lying out there unresponsive to the lightning
in dark, coarse-fibred families,

where occasionally a heron may undo his head,
shake up his feathers, make an uncertain comment
when the surrounding water shines.

Think of the boulevard and the little palm trees
all stuck in rows, suddenly revealed
as fistfuls of limp fish-skeletons.

It is raining there. The boulevard
and its broken sidewalks with weeds in every crack
are relieved to be wet, the sea to be freshened.

Now the storm goes away again in a series
of small, badly lit battle-scenes,
each in "Another part of the field."

Think of someone sleeping in the bottom of a row-boat
tied to a mangrove root or the pile of a bridge;
think of him as uninjured, barely disturbed.