Lost and found...

5 June 2025: Last fall, my old laptop just stopped working. I felt mostly okay about its abrupt exit because everything was backed up. But later, I realized a few things weren't including, almost all of my video files. 

I figured this out when I went looking for a series of videos of me arriving home from work and waking up Bing who had, by that time, gone deaf. He always woke up happy to see me and it made me happy. 

And they were gone. 

So, I was bummed.

Every once in a while, I would think, I should just try one more time to see if that old computer will turn on. Today, I finally tried. 

And it worked.

From October 2020, with bonus Wesley content that also made me smile and tear up. Those amazing boys...

You can be darn sure I backed those videos up. 

One year to go...

24 October 2023: My manuscript is due a year from today. I finished off my entry on gothicism a few minutes ago (three entries this month--with a week to spare) and feel pretty good about hitting my goals for this semester. If I can do the same next semester--and that's a big if--that will leave me nearly six months for the introduction, some of the apparatus, and editing/revision. Those six months include a teaching-, admin-, and possibly advising-free summer, something I haven't had in the entire time I've been at Shepherd. In other words, right now, everything looks good. 

Today has been really hard in a lot of other ways, perhaps evidenced by me still being on campus at 7:30, I was so far behind on my goals because of other work-related concerns, so a little sense of achievement and control over this one thing makes me feel better. But I did want to highlight one more spot of bittersweet happiness. I finally got a picture of Jo printed and put it in a frame at work. This did mean displacing the frame's former subject--I just can't have pictures of cats who are now dead in my office; too many awkward moments with curious students--but I don't think he would mind.

She brings the savanna to the sofa...

26 May 2023: Trying, rather unsuccessfully, to read a review of The Cat's Meow: How Cats Evolved from the Savanna to Your Sofa. This cat is so hilarious and meta that it seems unreal at times.

Also reminds me of this.

Sidekick...

14 March 2022: A year ago, it was Wes sitting here with me, my permanent sidekick. I still miss him (and Bing) so much and the adjustments since Jo's arrival have been kind of hard at times. But when I look over and see her here--where the boys used to sit--it makes me feel very blessed.

One year...

24 August 2022: One year without my orange boy. I still really miss him. He was the cuddliest of my cats, great for taking a nap on me when I read or watched TV. He loved a good scratch and pet. And he was just so...so essentially Bing. 

The emergency hospital sent me a card after he died with one of those cards you plant that allegedly has seeds that will sprout. I say "allegedly" because they don't tend to grow for me. But these did--with lovely orange flowers.

So much for balance...

17 March 2022: This Spring Break has turned out to be a real failure for Project Balance. I've gotten a lot done, but just about nothing fun outside of work. Maybe a bit more TV-watching, sleeping in a little. That's it. Been thinking about it on and off all day, especially when I realized there wouldn't even be a full-day that week that I spend away from campus. 

Today also would have been the day to celebrate Bing's 20th birthday. One can't be too upset about not getting to make that milestone, but I do miss him and remember so many of those first nineteen celebrations. 

A May Moment...

16 January 2022: Weird day here. Went to campus early to get some work done there because I wanted to get out of the house (and back) before the impending storm. Got some decent work done and finished my weekly "Book Work To-Do List," a completely discrete weekly list (only book stuff!) that I started this semester. Washed the blackboards in the classrooms, too, for the first time what has to have been a year or more. Took a long, cold walk around town. Headed home. All of that felt good and satisfying. 

The snow started a bit after 2:00. It's pretty, but I guess. And there won't be too much. And tomorrow's a holiday, so the schedule won't be disturbed. These are all good things. Watched some TV, did some reading. Puttered around. Felt okay. Felt bad. Lather, rinse, repeat. Sunday blues, COVID-winter-style. 

It's cold and dark and I miss the sun and people and normal, which seems so distant. 

I think this every time the weather is extreme--standing outside in the blazing heat or in a foot of snow: "It is hard to believe that it can ever be cold enough to snow a foot" or "It's hard to believe it will ever be summer again..." One spot. One moment. And just six months later, it can be so different. 

Maybe that's why I've been thinking about this video on and off all day. May 27, 2021: not that long ago, but even then, I knew it was, as I wrote, a "Moment." So much feels different and worse right now. (I want to be clear that I mostly mean right now, because I know my emotions are mercurial.) It's cold and dark and gloomy. The windows and doors are closed, though drafty. Bing is gone and that still hurts so much. Wes is still here and sweet and such a blessing, but he's blind and clingy and there's a tinge of desperation to him so often. Veronica is lonely and doesn't understand he can't see her, so he hisses at her when she scares him. Omicron is raging and I have spent this weekend pretty damn alone. Was supposed to volunteer for an MLK Day of Service tomorrow, but COVID and snow put a stop to that. 

May seems so far away. Look at these posts from then. It's actually kind of stunning: first movies back in the theater, first trip to NY in over a year, happy hours and meals with friends, masks coming off, spring flowers in the ground. Hope and life and light.  

I know that I am stewing and wallowing. Trying to switch my brain to gratitude mode or at least distracted mode. And I've got an 8:00 video chat with my RC girls (and Mike), so that will help. But I miss May. 

My constant back-up...

15 November 2021: Not quite three months since we lost Bing and I still feel his absence deeply and acutely at times. Simply put, I still miss him very much. But I am so blessed to have Wes and (even--ha!) Veronica around. 

Veronica seems to miss Bing, too. She's extra-vocal these days, a bit friendlier, and more at war with herself over the part of her that wants to be petted and the part that doesn't than I've ever seen before. It's fascinating. 

Wesley is, in some ways, living his best life, trying to play that alpha role. It makes me happy for him, but also sad that he was such a beta for so long. I also have all kinds of mixed emotions that he doesn't miss Bing more. It's complicated. 

One thing that remains the same, though--and something that I am so grateful for--is that they are both very present. I am rarely alone in a room. And there is nothing more comforting and heart-warming than to find Wes in his favorite spot, backing me up. 

The best part of the job...

29 September 2021: Today was tough. Got to campus before 7:00 a.m., took my walk and tripped, going down pretty hard on my knee and (weirdly) bruising the tip of my thumb. Not a great way to start the day.

Once I got back to my office, I was on the phone, in meetings, or in class pretty much non-stop. My only non-work moments included 1) a call with the vet's office about refilling Wesley's food* and 2) thirty minutes sitting at Wednesday Lunch with a couple of colleagues. But I almost broke down in tears during the first one and couldn't focus or enjoy myself during the second one.

Most of today's stress involved that big work project I am in charge of. Just minor, stupid, urgent, time-consuming stuff. And so much of it.

The thing is--and I know I have said and written about this before--the three hours in the classroom (and the two more spent meeting with students and re-teaching a class for a quarantined student)? That part was wonderful. It always is. Always the best part of any work day. 

Going into my afternoon classes, I was feeling that acutely, actually looking forward to them so much. And I told my students that. "The best part of the job," I said, "is the actual job, the part that got me into it." It's so worth remembering. I need to remember that and start letting other stuff take less of my energy. 

*The message they left said they couldn't give me the refill it until I brought him in for a visit. I called back and said "he's 17 and you have to sedate him to see him..." and went on for a bit and nearly cried. I added, "I've been bringing my cats to you faithfully since 2007. And I just lost my 19 year old cat..."** By that point, the woman I was speaking to--who was really kind and lovely--said they were just following procedure but she understood and she would talk to the doctor about overriding the requirement. So we'll see. I just don't want to bring him in unless I have to.

**Losing Bing is really hitting me hard these past few days. I am not sure why. I think part of it is just being stressed and wishing for comfort and knowing he's not here. And I guess I didn't let myself feel all of this too much at first. 

Pawprints...

26 September 2021: Finally moved the little pawprint impression the emergency vet made for me when Bing died. It has been sitting on the dining room table (next to the box with his ashes--a whole other story) for a couple of weeks now. I have no idea where to put it. Something about those little feet just still gets to me. Every time I hold it, I put my fingers in the impressions, remembering his paws stretched out to me. I never felt alone in those moments. And that specific set of memories is too sad right now, a little over a month later. Right now, it's on my dresser upstairs, but I am not sure where it will be long-term. It feels so personal and private. A box of ashes just doesn't have the same resonance.

Maybe it's the Sunday blues sliding in, but I didn't expect to be teary-eyed over missing him tonight. 

Also feeling a bit overwhelmed by all I have to do and yet don't have the motivation to do any more of it tonight. (It will get done...) I am grateful for some fun and silly TV coming back tonight: The Great North, Bob's Burgers, and Supermarket Sweep. Grateful for the little things. 

Little paw prints...

9 September 2021: Drove to Winchester this morning (a good 90 minutes round-trip) to pick up Bing's ashes and an impression of his paw prints. They called a week and a half ago to let me know both were ready, but between work and being sick and work again, this was my first chance to do this errand I really didn't want to do. The drive was fine--listened to a new audiobook from the library. But the actual pick-up--holding a velvet bag with a wooden box in it, looking at those tiny footprints, sitting in the car with it before starting the engine--it was more emotional than I thought it would be. 

I still miss him. A lot. (It's only been 2.5 weeks...)

But I'll be okay. 

I drove home and this guy was there to help.

Bing

24 August 2021: Said goodbye to Bing today. In the end, it was very peaceful. Kind of marveling at the timing--a day with no classes and no meetings. But then again, this cat did grow up in academia, so maybe this was his final gift to me. It is impossible to feel slighted after having him in my life for 19.5 years. Rather, I am profoundly grateful that all but one of those days were good ones for him. But I will miss him so much. He was a very good boy. That's all I can muster right now. 

First day...

23 August 2021: Taught three good classes today. Held office hours. Attended a college meeting. Went to an event on campus tonight and heard the amazing Silas House read. All of that was good. 

The hallways were noticeably louder and more crowded than the last two semesters and it's clear that there are so many more people on campus. That's great. And that's unsettling. 

I came home to find Bing struggling with some congestion and not really eating. There isn't too much to say/write about it. I feel quiet about it, if that makes any sense. Just want to watch and see and do right by him. We'll see what tomorrow brings, but I am ready to bring him to the emergency vet if/when I need to. (Got an appointment at the regular vet for Friday, the soonest they can see him.)

"Amusing"

19 July 2021: That's the word the vet used to describe this old man at his appointment today. He behaved atrociously but everything looked great. We've had to up his steroids (for his asthma) to one a day, but we might be able to step that down. But otherwise, everything else--even his 19-year-old teeth--looks very good. It is a strange, delightful, and yes, amusing set of characteristics at his advanced age. 

As usual, he was fine (temper-wise) within two minutes of getting home.

Brood X Vibes...

27 May 2021: Must be a week of trying to capture capital "M" Moments. I was sitting here trying to get some writing done and Bing hopped up, wanting to cuddle for a bit. Almost impossible not to indulge him these days. It's a beautiful day: sunny and a bit hot, but with a nice enough breeze to make it pleasant. And the cicadas are intense. So I thought, "Let's capture this: the old cat, the pretty day, the sound of Brood X." Then BabyCat did something cute to cap it off. 

Tiny, fluffy gang...

3 May 2021: Get a load of this crew. If only there was some way they could let me know I hadn't given them their evening treats yet. Some kind of signal combined with a reminder of where they are kept...

Cute distractions...

29 April 2021: When you are trying to work from home but the residents of Dr. Hanrahan's Home for Geriatric Cats have other ideas. And make no mistake about it: their age makes this much more manipulative. And when they team up? Very hard to resist. (But I did.) 

19!

17 March 2021: 19 years old today! Can't hear a thing, a bit slow at times, but still just the best boy. And sassy as ever.

A battlefield, indeed...

9 March 2021: Trying to work from home when the cats decide you should be done. Soundtrack is serendipitously perfect. (I am trying to type notes.)

Yes, he's on all three...

20 February 2021: 

Me, earlier today: I should get those three blankets on the bed and throw them in the laundry. I hope Bing isn't asleep on one of them.

[Arrives upstairs...]

Me: Okay. That can wait.