46

9 October 2020: My brother would have turned 46 today. Because it's been a long day/week/month/year and I am tired, and because it feels different every year and grief keeps evolving and remains hard to describe, and because sometimes the simplest word does enough work, I'll just say it's sad.

But it's also true that often when I feel sad about his life and death, I find myself thinking about my students and how hopeful it is to be surrounded by college students, even in dark days like these. I also think their liveliness, their energy, and their wit reminds me of him in his better days. I think that he would get a kick out of them. 

So I was glad to spend some time this afternoon with the Sigma Tau Delta students as we hosted an "Outdoor Literature Celebration." To be honest, I wasn't thrilled about going at first. There was work I wanted to get done and I didn't think we'd get much of a turn-out on a late Friday afternoon during a pandemic. But darn it if I wasn't wrong--and I love being wrong about this. We had a pretty decent crowd and the event was kind of awesome. 

After it was over, I went back to my office and worked for another couple hours, and then walked over to pick up my weekly Thai food take-out. As I walked back to my car, I kept thinking about everything I've written about above. Then I started thinking about one especially impressive member of Sigma Tau Delta, someone whose parents struggle(d) with addiction. And here she is, thriving and inspiring. She's a delightful young woman who makes me laugh. I realized, in a different universe, she could be Ryan's kid. I don't know what to do with that, but it made me smile. He'd get a kick out of her, too.