Remembering vs. learning...

22 November 2020: The one period in my life when I was regularly seeing a counselor, during my freshmen year of college when I was so depressed and wanted to go home, I remember telling her how nice it had been seeing my family during Parents Weekend. "I was so happy," I said to her. She stopped me and said, "Were you? It doesn't sound like it." 

I've never forgotten that moment. Since then, I'm reminded of it often, how I sometimes lie to myself, saying "This is good. Or on its way to being good" or "Maybe this will be the time it works and everything will be different." 

But, of course, remembering isn't the same as learning and changing, as I saw once again today. I need to stop expecting that things will change with a situation I've been banging my head (and heart) against for so long now. They won't. And every time I let myself think it--open myself up again to imagining it--it hurts so bad when it doesn't. So dumb. 

I'll keep working at it, but boy, I didn't need this reminder today. Grateful for the distraction of papers to grade, quarantine meals to deliver, and dumb TV to watch tonight.