Thursday, December 31, 2020

365/10,000

31 December 2020: How to write the last post for this most unusual (garbage) year? I certainly won’t be ringing in the New Year like I have the past few. It’s surprising to me how much it hurts to miss celebrating with these folks. But spending the evening alone is perhaps the most representative way to end this lonely year. So, I’ll write about something else…

For years now, I’ve set goals for myself when it comes to getting 10,000 steps in. Usually, it’s like “I’ll do it 90% of the days of the year.” That actually pretty easy to do and since I started, I’ve never fallen short. In a normal year, I might miss about 7-12 days over the course of 365 days. When it happens, it’s usually because of travel, illness, or weather. I can’t think of the last time when it was just like, “Nope, just didn’t do it today.”

This year, though, I hit 10,000 steps every single day. Honestly, I am stoked about this silly little achievement—this clear gesture of consistency and routine when it comes to something I get so much out of doing. I have been thinking for a while, though (when I had a feeling I might make 365), about why I was able to do it this year and the answer is, well…2020. On a more granular level:

No Travel: When I go to NY to see my family, it is hard to get a good walk in, esp. on the travel day. Well, guess what I didn’t do any of this year? I think I have spent every night this year in my own bed. (Not complaining about that part too much.) No NY, no vacations, no conferences, no road trips. 

Equipment: It might seem obvious, but a good rain jacket, comfortable shoes, my yaktrax, a warm hat that covers my ears, and an umbrella have made it much easier to get a walk in whatever the weather. That said…

Weather: Not counting the early December snow, 2020 was really light on snow and ice. That helped a lot.

Planning: For rainy days, I checked the forecast, looking for breaks in the rain or at least in its intensity. On hot days, I got out there early. On days where I knew I had meetings through my lunch break, I would walk in the morning. That “morning walk” shift has really helped a lot in terms of energy and a better outlook. Getting it “done” earlier feels good. A recent example: on Christmas Day, I got up early (set an alarm even) and took my walk before heading to Arlington because I was worried that if I stayed late, I wouldn’t get the chance.

Health: What a blessing it was to be healthy enough to take a good walk every day. No colds or flu. No injuries. In late 2019, I had a really nasty stomach virus where I think I went five days without hitting 10,000. (That’s extreme.) But 2020—maybe all that hand-washing? not being around people?—has been a healthy year for me, at least physically.

And finally, what else are you going to do?: In normal times, every once in a while, a day of socializing or being too busy would get in the way of 10,000 steps. But this year? Even on my busiest days, I could carve out that time.  

In the last week or so, when I knew I was likely to hit 365/10,000, I started to draft this post in my head. (By the way, each time, I would say to myself, “Assuming you don’t get COVID…”) It makes sense, I think, as a final post of this strange (garbage) year: it’s representative of the year, it is a good thing that grew out of bad circumstances, and it’s about something so essentially solitary and sustaining for me. 

Looking towards 2021, a year that will have an awful start and maybe promises a brighter spring/summer, who knows what that will all look like on a personal level for me? Probably won’t hit 365/10,000--and maybe not doing so will be a sign that things are better--but I hope to come close. 

One of my NYE dates, checking out the Christmas lights on the porch.

Wednesday, December 30, 2020

"That's Where It's At"

30 December 2020: How in the world would I have made it this far through this garbage year without my cats? It's almost unimaginable. They are there to help me remember to pause, to take a breath, to feel warmth and love. And yeah, sometimes they remind me of all of this even when I am trying to get work done, like earlier today. 


Today has been a day with some highs and lows. Got a lot done up at the office. Took a good walk around town. But I also keep thinking about how bad things are. So many COVID cases. So many people who travel and mix like it's not happening. And this new strain? Lord, help us. Found myself thinking today, "What if normal just isn't coming back?" (I know that's irrational, but just the idea of normal seems so far away.) 

All of this was on my mind when I was trying to do some work-related reading earlier. Even if I wasn't actively thinking about it, the mood was there. Sadness, loneliness, anger, fear all mixed up. 

An old Sam Cooke song came on the Pandora station--one that has always calmed me. Combine that with Bing's gentle demands that I see him and well, I stopped, breathed, and settled down a bit. And yeah: sitting here with my old boy, so loving and insistent in what I know are getting to be the tail end of our days together, that's where it's at. 

Tuesday, December 29, 2020

"comforting each other...watching the dancing lights..."

29 December 2020: As a garbage year gets closer to ending, this beautiful image and story stopped me in my tracks today. Shew. 

Monday, December 28, 2020

That "In-between Week" Pondering...

28 December 2020: If there was ever a week built for Big Thoughts, it's this one, smack in the middle of a pandemic for extra flavor or something. 

"But we were something, don't you think so?
Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool.
And if my wishes came true,
It would've been you.
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone.
But it would've been fun
If you would've been the one..."

Sunday, December 27, 2020

Thank-you notes...

27 December 2020: Just finished writing thank-you notes to folks who gave me Christmas gifts. As I reflect on a very different Christmas (and when I haven't yet gotten gifts from my parents and the NY relatives), writing these eight notes was a good reminder of those folks who helped make the season brighter for me. From the scratch-off tickets my aunt and uncle send every year to the little gifts from friends and the passel of goodies from Erin and her crew, I am very lucky. I'll always be grateful that my mom raised me to send these notes, not just because it's the right thing to do, but also because it reminds me of how fortunate I am.

Saturday, December 26, 2020

"That is solemn we have ended,—"

26 December 2020: A little Emily Dickinson today from the poem-a-day email...

#87

That is solemn we have ended,—
Be it but a play,
Or a glee among the garrets,
Or a holiday,

Or a leaving home; or later,
Parting with a world
We have understood, for better
Still it be unfurled.

Friday, December 25, 2020

Christmas 2020

 25 December 2020: Going to record a lot details here because I want to remember this day and this strange Christmas. First Christmas in my life that I haven't been in NY, woken up in that house, came down the stairs for a stocking and breakfast, and sat in the living room to open presents. First time I haven't been with my parents. And for, them, the first Christmas not seeing a child (any of their children) in person in 50 years. 

So here's what I did:

  • Got up pretty early and took my walk, since I knew it would only get colder and colder during the day. (This was a good call--it's really cold out now when I just went out for some more steps!) I tried to see how many homes already had people stirring, but it was hard to tell. Listened to a special "drunk" episode of Extra Hot Great, which made me laugh and smile so much. 

  • Took a shower, ate one of the cranberry muffins from the Sweet Shop gift basket Tara sent, and headed out to Arlington. There were flurries on and off, which was nice. 

  • Got to Arlington at 10:30, had brunch, opened gifts, played with Legos and Barbies, and just had a lovely time with Erin, Eric, and the girls. Though we kept masks on almost the whole time (even the little ones), I was relieved to learn that "COVID isn't real" in Barbie and Lego Land, though the very fact that the kids need to stipulate that is kind of amazing and makes me melancholy if I think about it too much. 

  • I would have stayed at Erin's all day, if not for COVID, but if not for COVID, I would have been in NY. It's all just so strange and new and different. 

  • We Facetimed with my parents and they seemed okay. The kids delight them, which is sweet to see. Then I played with the kids some some before heading home at 3:00.

  • Made it home by 4:30 and gave the cats their Christmas treat. Each of them got an envelope of like...tuna mush? The boys inhaled theirs, but Veronica must have gotten spooked, because she wouldn't come out for hers. (This is very weird.) If I put her bowl down, the boys would eat it in a second, so I put the stinky bowl of tuna mush in the fridge. I am hoping if the boys go upstairs for a nap or whatever, I can get her to realize that I am trying to get her a treat, damn it. Ha.

  • Now I'm sitting here, looking at the lights with Bing and listening to Christmas music. I am never with them on Christmas, so I guess this is nice, especially with the boys being so old and Bing being extra clingy these days. In a couple of hours, I'll reheat my Thai leftovers from yesterday (seriously stoked about that part). Maybe I'll watch Wonder Woman. I'll definitely watch Call the Midwife at 9:00. I'll probably be in bed soon after that. 

So much of what has made this year's Christmas hard is (we pray) temporary. Next year we can gather without such fear. We will be able to linger. No masks. We can see our friends and family. I am trying to keep that in mind when I find myself thinking that this year's lonely and solitary holiday season will be my "normal" soon enough. It's good to remember that. 

For so much of COVID year, my heart has been filled with almost equal amounts of gratitude, hope, love, sadness, anger, and fear. But this Christmas could have been so much worse--and for so many, it is--so right now, at least the gratitude, hope, and love are winning. 

Thursday, December 24, 2020

Christmas Eve, 2020

24 December 2020: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:1-5

Feeling so much today. Finding comfort in the words above. 

Wednesday, December 23, 2020

Some day soon...

23 December 2020: Someone from the Shepherdstown community who has come to mean a great deal to me, Beth, sent this video as her "Christmas wish" to me. She is someone I usually see at Shepherd events (plays, concerts, lectures), which we haven't had since March (except online). Her message and this video are just so spot-on. We'll muddle through, have a merry little Christmas, be grateful for what we have, pray for those in need, and look forward to next year. 


I saw two more former students post vaccination pictures and learned my sister-in-law got hers, too. It's a very good thing realize that I am am almost out of fingers to count vaccinated loved ones on. Just gotta hang on a bit longer...

Tuesday, December 22, 2020

"Twinkly Lights"

22 December 2020: Two Bob's Burgers posts in a row, but like I said, for years now, these Christmas episodes are a big part of my holiday season. I was thinking today that my two favorite "recent" holiday songs are "Twinkly Lights" and "Underneath the Tree" (by Kelly Clarkson). So I guess I like a Christmas jam you can dance to, even if (especially if?) the only folks to see it are the cats. 

Monday, December 21, 2020

"Yachty or Nice"

21 December 2020: "Be careful! Rich people's toes are worth two of our toes!" --Linda, to the kids, on this season's Christmas episode of Bob's Burgers

Every year, I re-watch the Bob's Burgers Christmas episodes. They just make me happy. Somehow this episode slipped by me when it aired last week. I even thought, "I guess they didn't do one?" So I was delighted to find "Yachty or Nice" on my DVR. Like a little gift under the tree!

Sunday, December 20, 2020

I mean, we do need a little Christmas...

20 December 2020: How best to feel the holiday spirit this very strange and tough year? Today I am trying some not-even-a-bit-subtle approaches including watching the (gay) Lifetime Christmas move, The Christmas Setup, which is (so far) very adorable. And I did some baking.


I think it's working? 

Saturday, December 19, 2020

Memorial Drive

19 December 2020: "I am looking directly at the photographer, toward a new idea of absence, of phantom ache--knowing nothing about how potently once might come to feel it." --Natasha Trethewey, Memorial Drive

Only about half-way through this extraordinary memoir, but I keep marveling at every page. The metaphors, the allusions, the painful search and examination it represents for its author. I knew Trethewey as a poet, of course, but it's such a treat to see her bring that voice to a different (linked) genre. 

In the passage above, she sets up a metaphor that she will keep coming back to as she tells the story of her mother and her violent death: the phantom pain one feels when they lose something. Here its beautifully and heartbreakingly prescient, showing how the present/future cannot help but color our memories of the past. How do I look at pictures of Ryan, for instance, without thinking about how it would all end? It can be done, but it takes effort, work, and reflection.

Friday, December 18, 2020

Mask dreams...

18 December 2020: My usual anxiety dreams of running late and not being able to find my shoes have been replaced by dreams of being in a crowded room without a mask. Like...multiple nights in a row. 

It's interesting (for me) to think about this for a bit. The shoe dream (also frequently a "it's time to go but i just can't get showered" dream) indicates, I think, a more deep-seated anxiety/insecurity. These are sometimes dreams when I am still in high school or college. They are almost foundational in that way. 

The mask dreams are set in the "now," are much more public, and--I hope/pray--temporary. 

Still: very 2020.  

Thursday, December 17, 2020

Whole lotta wholesome...

17 December 2020: Boy, oh boy, did I see a lot of wholesome sights on my walk this morning as my neighborhood dug out of yesterday's snow: kids sledding, kids building snowmen, families shoveling driveways together. 

My favorite bit? A mom and her little one (maybe 2 or 3 years old?) shoveling, the kid "helping" with a tiny pink sand shovel. As I walked by again (did a loop on their court), she said to me, "We're shoveling! So Daddy can get home!" That stuff is good for the soul.

Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Hope...

16 December 2020: Over the past two days, I've seen two former students (a doctor and a nurse) and my cousin's wife (a nurse) post pictures of them getting the vaccine. Each time, I well up a bit and feel a spark of hope. 

Tuesday, December 15, 2020

A Christmas Carol in 2020

15 December 2020: Gave a presentation today for the Scarborough Society, talking about A Christmas Carol. It was kind of amazing? Colleagues, community members, former students in attendance via Zoom--along with Vogel and my dad. Such a lovely reminder of my blessings. 

As I mentioned in my remarks, Dickens' little book is especially poignant and relevant this year. Here's what I wrote and shared: "A Christmas Carol strikes me as beautifully relevant this holiday season, at the end of a dark and painful year, when so many are suffering and we feel, like the reformed Scrooge, called to reach out to them, to the family of mankind, to address and ameliorate 'Ignorance' and 'Want,' memorably personified by Dickens as hungry and desperate children—our children, hiding under the robe of the Ghost of Christmas Present. Moreover, in a year when many of us cannot be with our loved ones yet still feel those urgent bonds of love and connection, the promise of A Christmas Carol—that we can make the world better through active devotion and service to others (even if that means just staying home and staying apart)—inspires and gives us hope. We might not be with our loved ones, but we can show them our love. Dickens, drawing of course, on the ancient Christmas story from the New Testament, shows us that."

When I got home, I called my dad and talked for a bit. I finally said out loud that I wasn't coming home for Christmas and he immediately responded with love and understanding. Such a relief.  

Monday, December 14, 2020

Mailing packages...

14 December 2020: It felt weird to do it, but today I started mailing some packages to NY for Christmas since I know I won't be there this year (for the first time in my life). I still want the kids to have their gifts on time, though, and I want my parents to have some stocking stuffers (their gifts can wait and I will see them sooner than the kids), so to the Post Office I went. I hope the boxes make them smile when they arrive.

Sunday, December 13, 2020

Test #5

13 December 2020: Woke up this morning to an email that my latest COVID test was negative. Each time I take one, I am more nervous and more certain that it will come back positive, despite the fact that I haven't been in CDC-defined "contact" with anyone in...months. But this latest test, which I took on Friday, had me a bit worried. My throat was sore all afternoon and evening and I was sneezing a bit, too. So I was...anxious, even when I felt better on Saturday.

All of this is enough to get me thinking I should maybe go back to March behavior: grocery store every couple of weeks, stay away from the (mostly empty) office as much as possible. It feels we are so close to the finish line even as the situation gets much worse on the ground. I don't know. It's a lot to think about. 

There's a big snowstorm in the forecast for Wednesday. In a normal year, that would make me sad and anxious about being stuck home and alone. But that's been daily life since March in lots of ways. 

Keep telling myself the end is in sight. Just gotta keep vigilant and hopeful.  

Saturday, December 12, 2020

"They better make a call to the wing factory..."

12 December 2020: So many moments made me LOL while listening to the My Dad Wrote a Porno Christmas episode (part one of two!), but the subject heading for today's post is a contender for heartiest laugh. 

I saved this bit of dumb delight for nearly a week before listening, finally giving it a spin on my walk this morning. As with any time I take a walk listening to this podcast, I am sure folks who saw me must have wondered what the heck I was grinning about. 

Friday, December 11, 2020

Fall 2020 Grading: DONE!

11 December 2020: Closing the (grade) book on the strangest semester ever. Just entered my final set of grades. Chair dancing is a bit tough these days, but precedent demands it and demands a holiday theme, so here's one from a movie I've already watched three times. (It's not a great movie, but so watchable...)

Thursday, December 10, 2020

"My Emily Dickinson"

10 December 2020: Today is Emily Dickinson’s 190th birthday. The Emily Dickinson Museum has been encouraging everyone to think about “My Emily Dickinson.” Like a good student, I have been. And here’s what I would say: “This year, my Emily Dickinson has been sustaining. Her poetry—reading it, thinking about it, teaching it, hearing my students talk about it—has inspired me and kept me going. I’ve found myself escaping this world awhile while thinking about her words. And, in the kind of paradox she would love, I also found myself drawing on her words when I tried to make sense of this world.

This morning, I woke up thinking about “I cannot live with you,” particularly these lines: 

So We must meet apart –
You there – I – here –
With just the Door ajar
That Oceans are – and Prayer –
And that White Sustenance –
Despair –

What more is there to say about how perfectly this captures our moment? Separate but joined, sustained, but on prayer and despair. And, of course, connection—or the desire for it. 

Dickinson offers so much more, of course, but right now, that’s my Dickinson and I am grateful for her.

Wednesday, December 9, 2020

When there isn't much to say...

9 December 2020: Been thinking for hours about what to write/post about today. At first, it seemed odd that nothing came to mind at what is, if nothing else, usually a dramatic time of the year (finals, grading, holiday anticipation). But of course, it isn't that odd given this particular year. That stuff is still happening, but it's all so different. Campus is already dead--no students to be found, no colleagues to visit with (if they are here, they're in their own offices with the doors shut--and buildings are locked down again). I'm buying Christmas gifts, but have no idea when I'll give them to my family. And there won't be any celebrations with friends where we exchange presents.

Still ridiculously blessed and lucky and even hopeful. But lonely and down as heck sometimes. And so sad about all the pain, suffering, and hate the world and this country. <------ And that, right there? Those three absolutely true and different assertions? That's my inner 2020 soundtrack. 

Tuesday, December 8, 2020

Ahem...

8 December 2020: When you look up and realize someone is ready for his second serving of canned food for the day, thank you very much.


This also happened today: the first vaccines were administered. Rare moments of pure joy!

Monday, December 7, 2020

Little chopper...

7 December 2020: Another day where the news outside, particularly rising COVID numbers, makes you really see the darkness settling in. I've also been thinking about previous holiday seasons, particularly just a couple of years ago when I banked some of my favorite Christmas season memories ever. Those days seem so far away.

So I find myself looking for spots of joy like...

1) Learning that our chapter's submission for the Sigma Tau Delta Convention was accepted. Competition was tough this year, but darn it if we didn't pull it off.

2) Stopping by the local bookstore mid-day and getting some Christmas shopping done, including picking up books for my hard-to-buy-books-for nephews.

3) The continued delight of this silly Lego Advent Calendar, which gave me this tiny helicopter today. I am an educated woman in my forties. This shouldn't make me grin like a kid, but it does.

Sunday, December 6, 2020

Dateline: Dickinson

6 December 2020: Spent the late morning/early afternoon watching a two-hour Dateline (aka, “The Husband Did It”) while pausing at every commercial break to grade a paper from my Emily Dickinson seminar. This led to one of my best ideas ever: Keith Morrison reading Dickinson poems. I should get on that Cameo thing and do impressions of this for $5 a pop.

Variations on a theme: incorporating Dickinson phrases into Dateline episodes...

"This young wife and mother had no time to stop for Death, but he, oh so un-kindly, stopped for her."

"Was this devoted husband telling the plain truth...or was he telling it slant?"

"The story didn't seem to add up. Was this much madness, or Divinest Sense?"

"Something didn't feel right, there, in the back of her mind, was a blue, uncertain, buzzing. Did her son-in-law's story really make sense?"

Saturday, December 5, 2020

They can wait...

5 December 2020: I had planned to get half of my seminar grading done today (and do the other half tomorrow). But I ended up spending over an hour on the phone with Vogel and then a couple of hours on the weekly video chat with my Roanoke girls. And I needed every minute of both conversations.

Another reminder of how even when I am physically more alone than ever--and that won't end any time soon--I am blessed with these amazing friends. 

The papers can wait. 

Friday, December 4, 2020

Dapper Zoom Boys...

4 December 2020: The annual Sigma Tau Delta holiday party had to go virtual this year, but Bing and Wes still got festive for Zoom. [BabyCat also lives here.]




Thursday, December 3, 2020

As much as will make me feel good...

3 December 2020: In a conversation with Tim yesterday, I wondered aloud how much of my indoor Christmas decorations to put up this year considering I will be the only one who sees them. We talked it out (he and Kevin were debating the same thing) and decided to do as much as would make me feel good. 

So I did. Probably about 60% or so of what I usually do? Maybe a bit more. I like it. Still seems early even though it isn't. But as I was getting them out of the attic, I saw a door sign from St. Patrick's Day that I hadn't fully put away (where it "belongs"). And at that moment, March (when this all began) seemed like yesterday. 

What a weird year. As it wraps up, I am going to lean into this post's title to get through it.



A couple of pictures of the tree... Why two? Well, I got a kick out of how different they look based on what the lights were doing at the moment.

Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Wow! Meow!

2 December 2020: So happy to have this amazing thank-you note waiting for me when I got home today.






Tuesday, December 1, 2020

Tiny ship...

1 December 2020: Got myself a Lego City Advent Calendar for less than $30 about a month ago. Had a feeling I was going to appreciate the fun nostalgia of it when we hit December. 

December 1 was a long day and I am wiped out. But when I got home and opened that first door on the calendar, I got to build a tiny ship and that rules.