A flex?

31 March 2020: My brain is so fried. Besides a trip to the grocery store this morning (at 8, so the old/immuno-compromised folks could go first) and my daily walk, I spent all day in front of a screen. Grading, emailing, setting stuff up. By all day, I mean from 9 a.m. until...right now. Basically, I made myself turn around approximately 240 pages of writing (paper/project proposals from all of my upper-division classes) because they were already coming in a week late thanks to the "extended spring break." [This is not counting about 25% of them that actually came in early, bless their hearts.]

I am so tired. I haven't been sleeping well with...everything, including worrying about everything I have to do. But getting through these proposals does feel good.

And a moment of levity: check out this image from a student's list of sources. This is a little flex, right?

Back at it...

30 March 2020: A rather dizzying day with classes resuming online. Can't complain as it felt good to be busy and getting stuff done--and, most of all, to be hearing from my students again.

Thought I'd share some "This Is Just To Say" poems that my 204 students shared online. (We do this in person every semester, but it worked even better this way.)

“This Is Just to Say”

I have totaled your brand new car

And which

you probably spent all of your savings on 

Forgive me

I got distracted while bumping to Jonas Brother throwbacks 


“This Is Just to Say”

I have the power

to do as I please


And I can take the

"normal"out of peoples lives


Forgive me for I am

the corona disease


"This is just to say"

I have been stuck inside

Looking out the window at the big blue sky

As I stare a bird passes by

And which a tear falls from my eye

Forgive me

This quarantine is whack


I would like my life back

Call the Midwife: Season 9

29 March 2020: I feel like this beloved show coming back tonight is giving me a bit of what we all need: powerful, compassionate, competent capable women doing their best to save and improve lives.

Portrait of a Lady on Fire

28 March 2020: Portrait of a Lady on Fire might be the perfect quaran-stream movie. It’s even about isolation! And, as I said earlier in a text to some friends, I could thrive in this kind of quarantine. Trapped in a beautiful place with a hot person who is into me and likes to talk about art, literature, and feminism while we take long walks? Sign me up! I am being silly here, of course, but it’s an amazing movie and worth checking out on Hulu.

Party of One

27 March 2020: I don't think I've blogged about Dave Holmes's great book Party of One yet, but I've been re-reading parts of it for my GWST/HNRS class (he's on the schedule for late next week/early the week after). And let me say: it's a great book. Funny, sweet, honest, and quietly important. This read-through, I found myself really struck by his metaphors and analogies. As you might imagine, these are most poignant when he writes about being a closeted kid in the 80s and 90s. Check this out: “To be a young gay kid is to work around the clock” (31). He adds, “And the work never ends…You work and you never stop working and you never tell anyone, even yourself, that you’re working” (31-32). That's some good (sad) stuff. 

It will be interesting to see what today's college kids think of the chapters about being a gay college student in the early 90s...

First cut of the season...

26 March 2020: Mowed the lawn today for the first time this season. I don't think I've ever done it this early, but it needed it. Plus, it's my way of willing spring to stick around. Lord knows we need that, too.

Zoom, zoom...

25 March 2020: Two Zoom meetings in two days and my one take-away (besides that academics sure do talk about things that the outside world would find ridiculous--and I am one of the guilty) is that it sure is nice to see people's faces.

This is why my job is important...

24 March 2020:Just had a student email me to settle a dispute with her boyfriend about whether the punctuation in a Netflix prompt was correct. "Day 9 of quarantining has made us a smidge argumentative," she explained. This is why I am an essential employee, right? She even sent a screenshot.

Podcast MVPs...

23 March 2020: Wanted to shout-out a few of my favorite podcasts that are turning out content to keep me calm and even entertained these anxious days.

• 99% Invisible, specifically, "Roman Mars Describes Things As They Are," in which Roman literally walks around his house and talks to us about the design in what he sees. When he said, "And since many of us are stuck at home, maybe alone or lonely, I thought we’d spend some time exploring this place we call home together — just you and me," well, I felt my eyes well up. And then he delighted me for the next 20 minutes.
• Pop Culture Happy Hour, specifically "Favorites, Even Without A Festival: The Music Of SXSW," in which Linda, Stephen, and Glen share some of their favorites from the Austin 100 list. These three always lift my spirits, but I especially appreciate them sharing upbeat tunes. (Really digging this one!)
• The Hilarious World of Depression, particularly this episode where John Moe gives great advice about how to get through this. I got weepy here, too. 

Ups and downs...

22 March 2020: Parts of today were really hard, including starting off with a rough night's sleep and really anxious dreams. But parts were also lovely, like walking through my neighborhood and seeing the beautiful trees and the sweet and hopeful sidewalks and driveways filled with children's chalk pictures and words ("Be happy with your family," for instance, written under a rainbow).

Ups and downs. And so it goes. 

Hanging out apart...

21 March 2020: Last night, I was on a video call with my four best college friends for over 90 minutes. I was literally crying with laughter for most of it. Tonight, some other friends and I are going to attempt a group video chat/trivia game. And maybe tomorrow, I am going to try to video chat with my sister's kids. All of this? Even the anticipation of it? It helps.

"It even makes you happy when you're feeling blue..."

20 March 2020: Ventured out to a store for the first time in days, heading to Walgreen's to get some allergy medication. (What a time to be sniffling and sneezing!)

While walking through the aisle filled with Easter candy, I heard "The Locomotion" (the 1987 Kylie Minogue version) come over the radio. Another song, by the way, with very bad advice for preventing the spread of COVID-19: "Now that you can do it, let's make a chain now" and "Do it holding hands if you get the notion."

That strange juxtaposition--Easter candy, a fun, silly song from my childhood, the world in crisis outside--well, I started to get a bit weepy right there in Walgreen's.

A woman walked by, her arms full of products. She wasn't panic-buying--just that typical "I picked up more than I thought I would" kind of haul. And she was quietly singing along. Even dancing a bit. She felt some sense of joy in that moment--I could see it.

Seeing her didn't lift me up, but it did remind me that such moments are complicated, with endless permutations. What makes one weep might make someone else dance.

Back home now, I'm still thinking about it. And about the woman at check-out, whose demeanor was a cheerful "business as usual" even as she wore gloves, and who, when I joked about it being a bad time to have allergies, agreed and laughed. And about the guy at the McDonald's drive-through (really wanted a fountain Diet Coke) who knows me by now, and who smiled and asked, "You being safe, right?" "Yes, and you do the same, okay?" I asked him, feeling the words catch in my throat.

And now I am weepy again. Maybe I ought to give "The Locomotion" another spin...

"There's never been a dance that's so easy to do
It even makes you happy when you're feeling blue..."

Escape plan?

19 March 2020: Is there a metaphor here? (I'm fine but this *indoor* cat has some serious cabin fever. )

Box of memories...

18 March 2020: Spring Break cleaning unearthed a box of treasures. First, with my childhood best friend, Marie. Second, on an overnight train to Paris in 1992 with junior high friends. Finally, the most "I was a kid in the 80s" collection of random objects.

18th Birthday!

17 March 2020: When you turn 18 and you are a very good cat, you get a cake. Well, actually, the company-deprived, "made plans for this a week ago, so we're doing it" human gets cake and you and the other cats each get a Friskies Lil' Soup. And you give the human many nudges of affection.

"Get Down"

16 March 2020: Been doing some chair dancing to this number since I heard about it on the Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast. I mean, feminism, Tudor history, and shout-outs to Lutheranism? And, as the kids say, it's a bop? I'll take it.

Keeping this in mind...

15 March 2020: Gosh, what a gift Linda Holmes is in times like these.

I'm going to try to be a tad less online today, but a great thing my therapist once said when I was knocked sideways by a change of circumstances: "Every day you live with a new situation makes it less new. You've made it one day, tomorrow you will have made it two."

— Linda Holmes (@lindaholmes) March 15, 2020

FANTI

14 March 2020: Lord knows I am going to need a lot of podcasts to get through these next couple of months (or more?). I am glad to have given a chance to FANTI, which came highly recommended by Linda Holmes of PCHH and some other folks. I really like it. And, thank the Lord, podcast production should continue (unlike TV, movies, sports...).

"Last" day...kind of...

13 March 2020: Boy, today was strange and hard: sending the students off with promises to do our best to continue online. But here are some things that made it better:

• My students randomly bursting into Beyonce’s “Love on Top” before class started in GWST 350/HNRS 389. And they sounded great. (It wasn’t that random: a student had assembled treat bags filled with candy for everyone and included a slip of paper with a hand-washing song in each of them.)

•Sending those same students out into the world with this (slightly censored) pep talk for how we will get through these challenges, courtesy of David Sedaris’s “You Can’t Kill the Rooster,” part of our reading for the day: “Bitch, I’m here to tell you that it’s going to be all right. We’ll get through this shit, motherfucker, just you wait.”

• A few students in my ENGL 355 class who, even as time was running out, kept pushing for us to say a bit more about The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao.

• This exchange with Tim, who is doing his best not to act too excited about not having to drive to campus three times a week, because he knows that I am not handling the change very well.

Me: [Pointing to the brightly colored and meticulously organized tickets for the Rude Mechanicals performances sitting in the copy room that will probably go unused.] "Does THIS make you sad or are you dead inside?”

Tim: [Laughs his head off.] “Yes?”

• And most of all, a student giving me a really sweet card about how much she appreciates the class (and me). It was an amazingly kind gesture. I am getting a bit weepy just thinking about it again.

Again and again and again I make this point here in this space: I am so very blessed to get to do this work.

Seen on my walk today...

12 March 2020: The forsythia is starting to bloom down by the Rumsey Monument, a welcome bit of beauty on a rather sad and anxious day. You know what's really killing me? My wonderful students don't want to leave. (Okay--not all of them, but all of the ones I talked to today.) It's a sign that we are doing somethings so right this semester. Now I have to find ways to keep it going online...

Bittersweet...

11 March 2020: As I know I’ve written about for years and years, I don’t like interruptions in my routine. And I absolutely hate extended periods of time when I can’t see my students and be in the classroom (not counting regular breaks). So the news about us potentially moving instruction online, while not unexpected and almost certainly for the best, makes me anxious and sad.

Today I got to experience so many parts of my job that I love. Four classes full of great discussions with my students talking about exciting material and their projects. A practice session for our students who are (fingers crossed?) going to the Sigma Tau Delta convention in late March. Those presentations floored me; these five gifted and creative young women make us so proud. Finally, I was off to a fundraiser for a Shepherd student dealing a cancer diagnosis: “Are Your Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” where faculty (including yours truly) played the game against each other, not actual fifth graders. It was an absolute blast.

So yeah: I love my job so much. That’s nothing new. It’s one of the best parts of my life. It is lovely to be reminded of that—and bittersweet to think about an extended absence from it. 

Zoom buddy...

10 March 2020: Had a meeting this morning that was held via Zoom. Someone insisted on being present. This does not bode well for using Zoom for conducting classes (at least with the highest professionalism) from home if we have to go online...

(By the way, took this after the meeting was over...)

"...hidden costs..."

9 March 2020: "Ultimately, it is our responsibility as faculty members to be proactive in our pursuit of work–life balance, to seek assistance when needed and to support each other. We should work together to advocate change, starting with calling for a systematic effort to understand how the current culture, value systems and working environment are contributing to stress and the mental-health crisis in academia." --Hilal A. Lashuel, with some familiar and useful advice, in this article at Nature.com

At the end of a long Monday where not everything got done--and I still have dozens of C&I forms to sign and two more big items on my daily "to do" list, this article hits at the right time, even if I probably won't listen to it today.

For Women's Day...

8 March 2020:

"Let it be known: I did not fall from grace.

I leapt
to freedom." --Ansel Elkins, "Autobiography of Eve"

Poetry Fest: In the books!

7 March 2020: Sigma Tau Delta's fourth Poetry Festival is now in the books. Today was a long day--spent all day at the office getting course prep done and then headed over to the Student Center for the festivities. As always, the event went pretty well. And, as always, I am glad it's over!

"Carried Me with You"

6 March 2020:

"A Not-So-Super Tuesday"

5 March 2020: "You can tell me and you can tell me and you can tell me — but let me tell you: There's not a lie I haven't heard about what a woman can and cannot do. At my age, every act of sexism and misogyny is an encore production." --Connie Schultz, in this piece that really speaks to me today, the day Elizabeth Warren drops out of the race.

"Women in Academia"

4 March 2020: Today, I had the pleasure of being on a panel about women in academia along with four of my favorite women on campus. Sponsored by Phi Alpha Theta, the History honor society (of which yours' truly is a member), the event let us talk about our experiences--the good and the bad. I found myself once again so grateful that I get to work with such amazing women every day. And the last question? "What gives you hope?" Unanimously, we told the students, "You do."

"a careful man..."

3 March 2020: "And I loved my father too, for the careful way he spoke. I came to understand that my father was a careful man. To be careful with people and with words was a rare and beautiful thing." --Ari, describing his dad, in Benjamin Alire Sáenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe

We're finishing up this book tomorrow in the YA lit class. This particular passage stuck out to me on today's re-read, when the world seems in desperate need of people like Ari's dad.

"Dear Dealer"

2 March 2020: "But unfortunately, she also had you. And here's the thing, my man. I need you too. I know that. I know what I'm doing here. Because of you, I get to say, 'If it weren't for that guy.; Because of you, I don't have to blame her. Because of you, I can nod my head when people tell me there's nothing I could have done. But I don't know if that's true." --Nadia Bowers, speaking to the drug dealer who sold her sister the drugs that killed her, in this segment on This American Life.

I remembered listening to this when it first aired a few years ago. Normally I don't re-listen to This American Life episodes, but after a night of stress-filled dreams, I put this one on this morning, before realizing it was a repeat. And then I left it on, listening to it as I got ready, headed to school, and started my day. It was a strange way to start a week off, but it just felt necessary.

I have been thinking about my brother a lot these days. Not for extended periods of time, but with an increased frequency. And lately it's been the sad stuff: his addiction, his struggles, and his death. I am not sure why--and thinking about this is not a bad thing necessarily. But the pain Bowers moves through here is so real and true for me.

Midterm Grades: DONE!

1 March 2020: Just hit submit on the last batch of midterm grades. This has been a strange semester (but aren't they all?), flying by in some ways and glacial in others. Still, this is always a significant marker, so time for a bit of chair dancing.