So long, 2019...

December 31, 2019: Spent some of today looking through the year's daily posts. And what a year it's been. It started off with anxiety and excitement over POY stuff and boy, did that all turn out really well. Amazing. Spring was wonderful. Early summer was kind of magical. There were days where I could not believe how happy I was...even if stuff was always lurking, I guess.

Then things got harder. I sensed the shift in early July and whoa, did looking back at the posts confirm that. I don't want to/can't discuss or write about the whats or the whys, but I will say that thinking about the year on an almost granular level gives both a longer perspective and moments of helpful specificity. I have some ideas for how to make things better moving forward, though I know it will be hard. I am hoping to focus more energy on scholarship and writing. And trying more of that "reading for fun" stuff, which I did pretty well at the start of the year, but didn't maintain. So plans, lists, over-thinking it all. It might help.

Anyway, this post stuck out to me today in my review. Full of good advice to myself. I am carrying it with me as I head off to Hannah and Cory's to ring in the new year with them and some other friends.

(Another year where I will have pulled off a post per day--and doing so has been so beneficial.)

A fresh coat...

30 December 2019: One upside to these “in-between” days is that I sometimes get little nagging tasks done that I put off when schedules are more normal. Knocked one of these tasks off today when I pulled off a mini-rehab project for my mailbox, which was really faded and rusty. Some spray paint does wonders.

And not a bad metaphor for this penultimate day of the year, I think? Not a new mailbox, not a particularly radical change, and something that will have to be repeated eventually, but it also looks good and makes me happier. Fresh and clean and ready for what the world brings.

Minus the cheese...

29 December 2019:

[Catch-up post...]

This time every year, this image circulates on social media and it always makes me laugh. It's pretty darn accurate for me, too, minus the cheese. (And admittedly, I am not that festive leading up to the Christmas...) These "in-between" days are disorienting for me. My sleep schedule gets messed up, I feel guilty for not working, I want things back to "normal," (even if "normal" hasn't been great), and I feel quietly bummed that another holiday season has gone by without much internal fanfare (whatever the heck that means).

Nevertheless, these "in-between" days can contain moments of real delight that couldn't happen at any other time. Case in point: yesterday (Sunday) found me at Tim and Kevin's, playing games, eating so-good-it's-unbelievable food, and hanging out with some of my favorite people on the planet. Not a bad way to push back the dangerous combo of Sunday Blues and the harder parts of "in-between" days.

As I was driving back from Rockville last night thinking these thoughts, I decided they would be the subject of my daily post. "Counting blessings" kept running through my mind, a reminder of how lucky I am to have these friends and times like these to treasure them. And then I got home, lost track of what to do (a consequence of not making a daily to-do list--something that only happens and then very rarely on "in-between" days). But I suppose that's okay, as the sentiment is even clearer and fuller the next day.

I guess what I have been trying to say is very simple and rather cliched, but worth saying anyway--at least for me, who is, after all, the main audience for all of these posts:it can be tough and rough out there (and in here), but if I just look harder, I can so easily find light, love, support, and blessings. Just look up, look around, and be grateful.

Christmas: Part II

28 December 2019: Got to see these knuckleheads today. Always so much fun.

Little Women

27 December 2019: Saw the new Little Women today. It is so good. It's lovely and charming and terrifically acted. The costumes, the music, the sets: all wonderful. And I love that it revealed how complicated the characters are and how adulthood brings a kind of sadness, along with a series of negotiations and compromises. Even still, who we were as children continues to shape us and gives everything meaning.

It's just so darn good.

"reaches, achingly, towards utopia..."

26 December 2019: "The failures are the spaces between the lines, the little gaps where the human stories really took place, outside of this narrative of an ongoing march of progress, that reaches, achingly, towards utopia..." --Avery Trufelman, in this episode of Nice Try, which I started listening to today on my drive back to West Virginia. This particular episode is about Jamestown, but her sentiment here at the end is just so spot-on for all attempts at perfection.

Sugie time...

25 December 2019:

[Catch-up post...]

It's impossible to get through Christmas without thinking a lot about Ryan. So, we all pour lots of love on Sugie, whose muzzle gets a little whiter every year, but is still a big old puppy. Here she is on Christmas morning, sitting on my lap, about to destroy part of the toy I got her for Christmas. "Have at it, girl," I told her. And she did.

"The Gift"

24 December 2019:

[Catch-up post...]

"Now the Christmas Eve service was coming
And the church shone with tinsel and light.
And all of the town folks brought presents
To lay by the manger that night.

There were diamonds and incense
And perfumes in packages fit for a king.
But for one ragged bird in a small cage
Maria had nothing to bring.

She waited till just before midnight
So no one would see her go in.
And crying she knelt by the manger,
For her gift was unworthy of Him.

Then a voice spoke to her through the darkness,
'Maria, what brings you to me?
If the bird in the cage is your offering,
Open the door and let me see.'

Though she trembled, she did as He asked her,
And out of the cage the bird flew,
Soaring up into the rafters
On a wing that had healed good as new.

Just then the midnight bells rang out
And the little bird started to sing
A song that no words could recapture,
Whose beauty was fit for a king..." --Garth Brooks, "The Gift"

If you are driving up I-81 on Christmas Eve and happen to pass me, there's a chance you'll see me crying real tears listening to this song. I think I only listen to it once or twice a year, but always somewhere in Pennsylvania, somewhere along I-81. It gets me every time. So simple, beautiful, and moving.

(Not going to embed a link to a youtube version as Garth has zero official presence on youtube and apparently his people yank down clips really quickly. Not very Christmas-y, dude!)

Work zone

23 December 2019: Little woodland creatures have been busy down by the river. [Insert your dam jokes here.]

American War

22 December 2019: "They didn't understand, they just didn't understand. You fight the war with guns, you fight the peace with stories." --Omar El Akkad, American War

Finished up this interesting book today. I am inclined to agree with this Guardian review. It's a powerful book, though its ultimate pessimism left me cold. (That probably says as much about me as it does about the book.)

"Loose Change"

21 December 2019:

Kacey, Cookies, and Cocoa...

20 December 2019: Had a lovely time tonight hanging out with Hannah. Weeks ago she mentioned wanting to watch the Kacey Musgraves' holiday special together once the semester wrapped up. Well, she worked her last day today (until January), so we did it tonight. We drank hot cocoa (complete with fancy chocolate spoons) and ate cookies. We also exchanged gifts and great minds thought alike, as I gave her (and Cory) some Schitt's Creek magnets and they gave me a Rose Motel notepad ("for all your lists!" she said, demonstrating how well she knows me). 

"Next of Kindle"

19 December 2019: "According to Dave, his mom was a homebody. And in her eighth decade, after a lifetime of working hard, Gloria liked to stay home, watch a bit of Murder She Wrote, and enjoy her smutty novels. Finding her library is a confirmation that his mom always did whatever the hell she wanted. And more than anything else, it just makes him admire her more." --Bim Adewunmi, in this really sweet and fun segment of a This American Life episode I listened to on my walk today.

"It Is What It Is"

18 December 2019: Kacey's been in rotation these past couple of weeks and this one keeps jumping out at me.

My Life as a Goddess

17 December 2019: "...decades later, I would still be trying to form arguments, phrases, constructions, to make my father see our relationship differently. To stop him from identifying every action and gesture I made as an insult and a slight. I wanted to live in a world where my gods, reason and logic, had the power to heal this injury." --Guy Branum, My Life as a Goddess

Still working my way through this book which is very funny, but also, specifically the chapter "The Man Who Watched The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance," is incredibly moving. Branum writes about his frustrating and painful relationship with his father with a rawness and insight that surprised and touched me.

Break reading...

16 December 2019: Started two very different books today. The first, American War, is the title I am reading as a possible Common Reader for next year. Honestly, the description alone didn't appeal to me at all--seemed too depressing when I need light--but it appealed to me more than anything else on the list. I'm about 40 pages in and find it really fascinating so far.

The second, My Life as a Goddess, has moved from my coffee table to my dining room table to my night stand and back again since early November, at least. (I want to use it in my Gender and Women's Studies seminar this spring.) But I finally got into it today. A gosh darn delight so far.

(10,000) Baby steps...

15 December 2019: Finally felt good enough today to get a good walk in--for the first time since last Saturday. Hitting my daily step goal has rarely felt so good.

Fall 2019 Grading: DONE!

14 December 2019: Just submitted my final grades with this banger playing in background. Chair-dancing started a bit early--before hitting that last "submit" button. But man, it feels well-earned.



Next on the schedule for today: a visit from Jane, Tuba Christmas, and some other assorted Shepherdstown fun. Going to take it a tiny bit slow as my energy is still coming back, but you don't need much energy for chair-dancing.

You know what? Let's call it a comeback...

13 December 2019: Woke up today feeling so much better. I think I'm like 85% normal. Amazing. Drove back to WV, taking my time as it was cold and rainy, the temperature hovering between 32 and 34 degrees almost the entire way.

But it's so nice to be back, with this big task accomplished and a few more (important) things to wrap up this semester.

The perfect cap-off to the day? Dinner with Hannah.

What a change in mood from just a couple of days ago!

Back to Greensboro

12 December 2019:

[Catch-up post...]

The trip to GSO was a bit of a whirlwind, but went so well. By Thursday afternoon, I was feeling much better. The ceremony (and the speech) went well. The reception after was lovely and dinner that night was so much fun. I even got to catch up with a good friend earlier that day.

Here's a nice write-up and a picture...

I'll remember this day--what it means to be to have been invited, how wonderful it was to see cherished mentors again, how meaningful to return to a place that means so much to me--for a long time.

"not in the insane, murderous ways..."

11 December 2019: Favorite excerpt from a final exam (so far) this semester, this one on the narrator in “The Tell-Tale Heart”:

“I relate to this character in many ways; not in the insane, murderous ways, but in his attitude and mannerisms. He set a goal for himself and strove to achieve it with patience and determination. Moreover, he is anxious, but tries to make himself appear calm, much like myself during finals week.”

This is fine.

10 December 2019: It’s exam week at the end of one of the toughest semesters ever. I am heading out of town tomorrow to give that speech*. And it’s like the Lord said, “You wanna really prove you are tough? How about a nice dose of this stomach virus?” Day three and I am slowly regaining strength, but man…I am so tired.

*The speech part is very cool and I am super-excited.

Monday Vibe Check

9 December 2019: After a rough day yesterday (you know I was feeling bad yesterday if I skipped Midnight Breakfast) and a rather restless night of sleep, I am feeling better today, though still really tired and out of it.

And I'm just...down. The rainy weather doesn't help. It's finals week, which is at the very least emotionally complex. This one is made even moreso because I've got a mid-week trip to Greensboro to give that speech.

As I type this, my students are taking an exam. Afterwards, I have a C&I meeting and a College meeting. I am also supposed to have dinner with colleagues at 6, but I am still feeling lousy enough that I might skip it.

Looking forward to getting home, cuddling with the cats, and just crashing.

So that's my Monday vibe check, I guess. (I just learned that term from Hannah and boy, does it feel useful right now.)

Aspirational produce...

8 December 2019: Things I didn’t count on when I bought the package of baby spinach and spring mix salad last week:

1. I’d have dinner out with colleagues on Wednesday, which was lovely.
2. I’d be in a big old funk on Saturday and order take-out to feel better.
3. I’d feel really sick most of today and the very thought of might-be-expired lettuce might send me over the edge.

Sorry, salad mix. I genuinely feel guilty whenever this happens.

Pushing through...

7 December 2019: Working through some big stuff, but pushing on through. Today provided some good distracting outlets: stacks of papers to grade, the annual Shepherdstown Christmas parade, a basketball game to watch, and Christmas cards to write (with Bob's Burgers holiday episodes) playing in the background. Little blessings that help...

Bow-tie Time...

6 December 2019: That time of year again--the Sigma Tau Delta Holiday Party. Break out the bow-ties for Bing and Wes!

Jesus and the Samaritan Woman

5 December 2019: Spent a good portion of today grading papers for my Bible as Literature class. They are, on the whole, pretty darn good. This class continues to make me think about so many things--faith, literature, our relationship with God, our relationships with others--in new ways. Today I was particularly struck by a student's reading of John 4, the story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman. The student is arguing that Jesus--the Biblical Jesus, not just some alleged "liberal fantasy" of what we want him to be--in his outreach to all people, finds a specific place for women, giving them voice absent from many Old Testament stories, especially of "fallen" women. It's a lovely paper in the academic sense, but also quite moving on a personal level.

"Self as Goat in Tree"

4 December 2019:

"Haven’t you too wished yourself a goat
perched punch-drunk on a linden tree,
blasé about the gold you might shit,
how it might serve both hunger and greed.
Haven’t you goaded yourself
to balance just a bit longer,
chew on some fugitive scents,
forget what a ditch the earth is." --Mihaela Moscaliuc, "Self as Goat in Tree"

This poem--and you can read the whole thing here--has sat in a folder for over a year, having arrived in October 2018 from the Poem-a-Day email. I am in the midst of a tough stretch here, one that is about to get a lot worse before it gets better. I find myself wishing to channel that inner goat in a tree, if only for a moment.

"Breakable"

3 December 2019:

Post-Break Brains...

2 December 2019: "You misspelled...'college?'" --me, to a student today, who confessed to almost misspelling a quiz answer.

Post-Break Brain is an interesting phenomenon. As another student said, "I mean, I was looking at the word 'the' today and thinking, 'that doesn't look right.'"

Beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

1 December 2019: Christmas decorations had to go up early--Sigma Tau Delta holiday party on Friday--but Veronica doesn't mind.