Got it all done...

15 September 2022: Holy cow: the amount of stuff I still had on my list when I got home at 6:30 today--after being on campus since 7:30 and being in meetings and conferences with students for all but two hours (spent on grading and Senate work). Work still to be done included mowing the lawn, making dinner, the daily chores, going over some materials for an early meeting tomorrow morning, and preparing for my Victorian lit class tomorrow afternoon.

I have--and this is not a joke--exactly 20 minutes tomorrow between 9 and 5 that aren't filled with meetings, classes, or student conferences. I am tired just thinking about it.  

But! As of about 10:00 p.m. tonight, I am done with today's list and ready for tomorrow. (This will make Wesley--who is currently screaming at me--a bit happier.)

Sweet and sad...

14 September 2022: Went to a friend's mom's visitation this evening after a long day at work. I've been thinking about how sweetness and sadness go together and fuel each other sometimes--at least to people witnessing love and loss from the outside. I am too mentally tired to say too much about this, but I said as much to my friend this evening. I never met her mom, but I knew enough about their relationship to know that they loved each other very much and had gotten through a lot of challenges, which made that love and their relationship much sweeter (looking in). And then, again, witnessing it, that sweetness amplifies the sadness. I don't know...just on my mind.  

Morning photo pause

13 September 2022: Another really long day, but knowing that it would be, I made myself stop and take a picture of the gorgeous sky on this gorgeous day on my walk this morning. Paused for a moment afterwards, smelled the air, and just took it in, grateful for such beauty.

President's Lecture Series

12 September 2022: Heard a great President's Lecture tonight about Fort Ritchie. I was delighted that a bunch of my students showed up (with the promise of extra credit) and seemed to really enjoy themselves. I think I'll offer extra credit for every one of these, regardless of subject. This particular experience ought to be part of their larger university experience. 

Pretend fencing...

11 September 2022: I was up on campus a big chunk of today, getting some work done, but also realizing I won't meet my goals for the week/month when it comes to work on the book. And other stuff just keeps coming and piling up. It didn't (doesn't) feel great. 

There was this moment, when I was walking down the hall of Knutti, I found myself biting my nails and realized I had bitten a bunch of them down. And then, kind of out of nowhere, I thought of Ryan, and how for his entire life, he bit his nails--sometimes really low. And Lord help me, I fought the urge to double over and cry. I hadn't thought about this before, I guess--that on top of the feelings of inadequacy, depression, and probable ADHD that drove so much of his life--anxiety and uneasiness must have been all along, too. I thought about him as a little boy, feeling these ways, as a young adult feeling these ways...feeling this way until the end, probably. 

So often when I think about him, I wish Adult Me could go back and help him when he was young. 

I'm okay and I'll be fine. Already made peace with revising the goals and getting over it. And I am telling myself this past week was a bear, this week will be, too, but after that, there won't be many more like them. And I didn't dwell in the sadness of thinking about my brother for too long.

A couple of hours later, I went out for my walk and just as I was heading back into Knutti, I saw a dad and his daughter (probably about 9 or 10 years old?) playing in the garden out back. They were on the outcrop of rocks that sticks out of the ground, pretending to be fencing each other. No sticks and swords--all imagination. It was so sweet and pure and right now, even with some tears that came from writing about Ryan above, that memory makes me smile.

I am not sure how the two moments are connected except that they both happened today. And today, of course, is a day about remembering, mourning, and thinking about what gives life value and meaning as we keep moving forward. 

Writers Conference

10 September 2022: Another long day on campus today, but I did get to hang out with some wonderful current students (volunteering at the Writers Conference) and one wonderful former student, who helps run the whole thing these day.

Friday fatigue...

9 September 2022: Long day and I am bone tired. I know that's the opposite of yesterday's vibe, but I don't think this exhaustion is COVID-related, at least not completely. Just a "normal" 14 hour day on campus at the end of a long week (even with Monday off). But there were some good parts: my classes (duh), some good student meetings, a nice reception for the new provost, and working another event with English majors as volunteers. 

Need to be back on campus at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow and not thrilled about that (day two of that event, so an 8-5 shift on a Saturday), but trying to focus on the good stuff. 

Energy levels: up!

8 September 2022: Today was definitely better than yesterday, with some good unexpected news about the University's proposed mission statement (it sounds silly, but it matters), a good meeting about the National Writing Project, and some decent work accomplished on my entry on Emma Lazarus. Moreover, I got to address one thing weighing on my mind all week: mowing the lawn. It was too hot or rainy to do it this weekend and too busy for me to do it the rest of the week. And it was getting long, which makes me anxious, especially since I don't have time to do it tomorrow or Saturday (work stuff). But I made it home by just before 5, the weather was almost perfect, the grass was pretty dry, and I got it done. 

Here's the part that makes me really pleased, though: after all of that--a long day, doing the lawn--I still have plenty of energy left, physical and mental. I made dinner, did some other chores, and then plowed through the rest of the items on my to-do list, finishing just after 10:00. I can't think of the last time--especially since COVID--that I've had the energy to go this hard. Feels good. 

Now, I am coughing a bit right now and that's not fun (and since I got COVID, a night of coughing usually means a sore throat and congestion to the next morning), but I'll take some medicine in a bit and hope for the best.

Anyway, here's some photo documentation of a certain GrayBaby who prefers a night where I don't keep working on the computer. He's doing his best to disrupt...

Rough one...

7 September 2022: Today was a tough one, work-wise (outside of teaching). It was particularly hard because I found myself disappointed by people--but by now I should know better. 

Stayed in my office working until the volleyball game at 7:00 and ended up getting a decent amount of work done. As for the game, I was grateful for the space to focus on something else even though I still kept kicking work-stuff around in my head. 

The team lost again, but they sure played hard and I can't help but be proud of that. Not a bad lesson to be reminded of. 

I left the house at 7:30 a.m. and walked in close to 9:00 p.m., so Wesley has some thoughts on that. I am happy to hear them as he sits with me, chilling with some TV before heading to bed soon. 

Volleyball's back...

6 September 2022: First home volleyball game of the season tonight (not counting a tournament they did earlier). They lost, but it was still amazing to watch and a lot of fun.

Jane Day

5 September 2022: 

[Catch-up post]

A "Jane Day" is always a good day. She came into town, we had lunch, traded birthday gifts, and just hung out. You know someone is a good friend when that's all you need to do. 

"Good people...worked hard and were kind..."

4 September 2022: Listened to this wonderful episode of Bullseye featuring Bonnie Hunt on my walk today. I just love being reminded that there are so many loving, decent, funny, kind, and creative people out in the world, coming from families that they love and who were also loving, decent, funny, and kind. Bonnie gets emotional towards the end, talking about her mom who died recently, and I found myself tearing up, too (grateful for my sunglasses in case I bumped into anyone). And Jesse is just the best interviewer. So good.

The post's title comes from Bonnie talking about her parents: "She's worth every tear, that's for sure. Both my parents were. Good people...worked hard and were kind." Got teary again just re-listening. 

Dinner at Hannah and Cory's

3 September 2022: Got to spend yesterday evening at Hannah and Cory's--along with Tim and Kevin. Still feeling a bit under the weather at times (yet testing negative) but for those hours I was there, I felt just terrific. (Started coughing near 10:00, but what can you do?)

Contact!

2 September 2022: Most of the time, you reach out to a student who has ghosted your class or never showed up and you don't hear anything. Late this afternoon, I reached out, figuring that's what would happen. Imagine my surprise and happiness to actually hear back quickly. Won't say too much because the details are private and don't matter, but we have made contact and there's hope. Not a bad end to the week. 

Ice-cream hang-out

1 September 2022: Had a really nice, long hang-out session with Hannah after work. We got ice-cream and sat behind Knutti and just talked about everything since the semester started--which seemed like a long time, but we aren't even through week two. Ha.