49

9 October 2023: Today would have been Ryan's 49th birthday. 

I've been dreaming about lost loved ones lately, including last night. But not him. I am not sure why. 

Not a single day goes by that I don't think about him, that I don't think about the loss. I think what's on my mind most today is that it can still be so sad--and that the loss casts such a shadow over his whole life. It reads as the conclusion you could (should?) have seen coming, maybe. I don't know. Maybe that's silly. It almost certainly much too simple. 

I do wish I could have some kind of vivid dream of him, but more like a flashback. Some video clip of him the way I am trying my best to remember him. The version of him that slips away again and again, swallowed by the narrative of how it ended. But maybe that's a silly wish, one that would just fill me with more sadness. I don't know.

I guess what I am saying is that this year, on this day, I am just sad when I think about my brother.