So long, Jane the Virgin

31 July 2019: Jane the Virgin is a show I've loved from the start. Sometimes I would forget how much I loved it and then I would be in the middle of an episode and my heart would swell (telenovella style!) and I would realize how special it is. The finale tonight--full of love and hope--made me happy, but I'll miss it.

Working on it...

30 July 2019: Working on busting out of this funk I've been in. I heard this song -- which I know I blogged about in June when I was in a much different place. When it came on, I remembered that post and that day and that feeling. And I said to myself, "You know what? I am going to embrace that feeling and take this as a sign that I can do better." It's a kind of take on "fake it 'til you make it," but that's okay.

"What Did I Ever Come Here For"

29 July 2019:

Evan's baptism...

28 July 2019: Quick trip up to NY for Evan's baptism. He fits right in with all of these weirdos (myself included).

Dispatch to the Tooth Fairy...

27 July 2019:

[Catch-up post...]

Krista talking about losing a tooth like she's releasing a new album (and making sure the tooth fairy can find her on the road): "I am hopeing that you (tooth fairy.) like my 6th tooth dropingg! I made sure to brush it well for you. Hope you can find me in rocky point new york! You are the best tooth fairy ever!"

When They See Us

26 July 2019: I’ve been thinking a lot about When They See Us, which I actually finished watching a couple of days ago. Like with Pose, I am always grateful for a TV show (or, in this case, a mini-series) that helps me gain a better understanding of a time and a place when/where I was around/alive (and even geographically close) but really had no idea what was going on. And also just like Pose, so much of my ignorance came not just from youth, but from privilege.

I was 12 when the “Central Park Jogger” case hit the headlines and living in the NYC media market. Wall-to-wall coverage which was unavoidable even for a child. I have the clearest memory of sitting in my living room, reading a column in The Daily News where the writer eviscerated the accused. The bitterly sarcastic phrase “Little Antron went out to play” ran through it like enough of a refrain that even now, 30 years later, I remember it.

And because I was young and ignorant and privileged, I bought into it all. These kids were monsters. Abhorrent. And nothing like me. Lock them up. Throw them away. Irredeemable. These people—barely people—and why they were the way they were…who could explain it? I thought I saw them for what they were and I was disgusted.

Those paragraphs above were hard to write and are hard to read. I am not comfortable that that’s how I felt, even if I was young. It makes me cringe. What was clearly racism and ignorance fueled so much of my view. I am grateful to have grown since then, but that embarrassment and pain? I hope it can fuel me to keep trying to do even better.

But back to When They See Us: the five boys (now men) have been exonerated for years now and I knew factually how wrong and misinformed I and so many others had been. But seeing it? Seeing these boys and what they went through on the screen? It hits you like never before. You actually see them (thus the brilliant title).

Some images/insights I won’t soon forget:

• They were children. Little kids. Maybe because I am nearly 42 now, but man...they were kids.
• Raymond calling his dad from prison. All they can talk about is what they had for dinner. That makes a perfect, tragic kind of sense.
• Raymond’s meeting with his parole officer when he learns how hard it will be just to get a job. He might have served his time, but he keeps paying. As Sarah Bunting explained on her excellent podcast, we see here the creation of a permanent underclass. 
• Antron’s struggle to make peace with his father who told him to say whatever the cops wanted.
• Korey…everything about Korey. 

The whole series is beautiful, of course. Amazingly shot. Terrifically acted. It’s a gift.

Five years...

25 July 2019: It's been five years since Ryan died. It is still hard and sad. This year is really hard for a bunch of reasons, but there's a picture on my dresser that I looked at this morning that made me smile. We are standing on Roanoke's campus. He came with my mom when she drove me back after winter break. We both look so young. And happy.

Yet even when we posed for it, it was a bit of a facade. He was already struggling. And I wasn't great, though better than I had been, I guess. But we were trying. And it helped. Every picture with him has that narrative in it somewhere, I guess.

Anyway, five years. And 20+ since that picture. Still love you so much, Ryan.

Bing's check-up...

24 July 2019: He screamed and howled and hissed and growled (very loudly!) throughout the experience and he had to be covered up in a blanket with someone (not me!) holding him, but all things considered, Bing had a good check-up. He also recovered and was back to normal at home within five minutes.

Here he is, post-visit...

Oh--the doctor also said that by age 15, 90% of cats would need the human equivalent of a hearing aid, so I am probably right that his hearing is going. That also would probably explain his nighttime screaming. So yay?

By the way, 15 year-old Wesley still has the ability to hear me turn over in bed when he is downstairs, so he's that 10%!

Until next year. (Or September, when BabyCat goes!)

"Alex, Alex, and Sebastian: Russian Dolls"

23 July 2019: Listened to this episode of Everything is Alive this morning and found myself almost welling up at times. This darn show is so weirdly touching and compelling. By giving life to inanimate objects, it makes you think about your own life, your own relationships, what matters to you, what makes life sweet and painful and sad and joyful.

Pose

22 July 2019: I just finished watching the first season of Pose. I am glad I finally got around to it. I could list any number of reasons, but chief among them is how it introduced me to a world I knew very little about and helped me see so clearly how these people become each other’s family. When Damon calls Blanca “Mother” and tells her he loves her, I believe it and I get it. And oh my: Billy Porter. What a performance. I was sobbing when he sang to Costas and when Costas told him to mourn for one day and then move on. Give him the Emmy. (Or give it to Bob Odenkirk...)

What a gift that a show like this exists. It isn’t the best thing I’ve watched this year or even my favorite, but it sure is important and very good.

I understand the second season (which premiered a few weeks ago) is even more political. Considering how far we still have to go and how much we still have to learn from the not-too-distant past, this strikes me as a great move.

"delicious language"

21 July 2019: I've been a fan of Naomi Shihab Nye since one of her books was the "all-freshman read" my first year teaching at UNCG. I have always been drawn to her enthusiasm for what language can do--what a gift it can be. So I was so pleased to hear her on the episode of Poetry Off the Shelf that I listened to on my walk this morning, again delighting in the power of words.

An excerpt, where she talks about writing down something her three-year old grandson said: "But because I wrote it down, and because I wrote down, you know, thousands of things his dad said 33 years ago, I can remember them. And that helps us become more tuned in to delicious language…And that’s what we need to keep us tuned into our lives. And I think, to have access to our own lives, our own memories and experiences, that will help every one of us. And it will help make us more empathetic human beings, you know, whatever path we go on."

Saturday mood-lifters...

20 July 2019:

[Catch-up post...]

Saturday kept me busy (which certainly helped with my mood). Some fun highlights:

Sadie's baby shower.

Seeing Adam's play.

Content from heaven...

19 July 2019: Not gonna lie...been in a real funk lately. It's been hard. But the Lord must be looking out for me a bit, since some lovely content descended from heaven today...

1) This track from The Highwomen and this piece about them on Rolling Stone. 

2) Veronica Mars, Season 4 dropping a week early.

Won't fix everything, but this helps.

Wheaton women...

18 July 2019: I spent some of today reading Paul C. Helmreich's Wheaton Colllege, 1834-1957 in preparation for my research trip in early August. It's actually both fascinating, fun, and sometimes touching to read about this early women's college. Here's some of the fun/touching stuff:

• A student wrote the following in 1835: "Miss Caldwell advises us not to talk after we go to bed, for she says young ladies will say a great many foolish things in the dark that they would be ashamed to say in the light and when looking at each other" (156). Miss Caldwell speaks the truth.
• In 1939, another student writes, "My room-mate is a rather pleasant girl I should think, although she does not stay with me much, and when she is with me she acts as if she wanted to be somewhere else" (157). Poor thing! 
• A 1906 graduate remarks, "We lived in a woman's world, yet triumphed with gaiety" (159).

And even then, students complained about the difficulty of scheduling classes. And so it goes...

"this changeable life..."

17 July 2019: "But he almost never calls upon me now, and I was never one who could run after even my best friends, when they seemed to be having a better time without me. --And then it is foolish to expect to keep anything, in this changeable life." --Lucy Larcom, in an 1877 letter, discussing her changed and somewhat strained relationship with her friend/mentor/collaborator, John Greenleaf Whitter (qtd. in Marchalonis 208).

In preparation for my research trip in August, I have spent the last couple of days re-reading Shirley Marchalonis's excellent biography, The Worlds of Lucy Larcom, 1824-1893. Every time I read about Larcom or read her letters, I find so much to grab onto, to relate to, to think about. (And I know I've posted similar sentiments before.) I could have picked any one of a dozen quotations that stuck out to me on this re-read and perhaps the one above is a bit too maudlin for me to be saying "I feel seen!" but you know...it is what it is.

There's a comfort in knowing that someone struggled with and thought about similar kinds of questions and problems over 150 years ago. That isn't an incredibly profound insight--it's why we read and study history. But there is something so specific about Larcom--her life choices, her struggles, her joys--that makes me feel such a connection at times.