"There's nothing I can do except tell the story..."

15 July 2021: With the book proposal in, I am turning my attention back to my paper about In the Dream House (for this year's SSAWW). Today I came across this really great interview with Machado. It's honest, vulnerable, funny, fascinating, and brave. Love it. 

Self-imposed piling it in...

14 July 2021: Did I submit another conference proposal today, this one for November? Even though I have too much to do? Yes. Yes, I did. Long story. But I had the abstract done (from last year, when it was canceled), my registration is free (from an award I won at the 2019 conference), and I am crazy, I guess?

"Fun" break

13 July 2021: You know you aren't doing summer quite right when your "fun" break between reading provost applications and working on a conference paper is scrubbing out the communal office fridge. (It does look great now...)

Submitted!

12 July 2021: Sent the complete book proposal off today. Nineteen days early, but who's counting? 

Commence chair dancing! This came on Pandora a bit ago and seemed perfect, if a bit ironic. Academia sure ain't 9-5, which is both good and bad.

Summer balance update

11 July 2021: Didn't do a lick of work yesterday. Filled the day with anything but. And it was wonderful. (Did the same the second half of Friday, too.) I did start to feel itchy about it by Saturday evening, but like, in the back of my mind. 

Today, I got back at it, working for a few hours up on campus. Got stuff done. Check, check, checking things off my lists. The proposal is almost done. I think I'll sent it off this week. Working through applications for the provost search. Already thinking about the next tasks. I like this summer rhythm I've let myself take on: mostly done working for the day by 4:00. One day a weekend totally off. One day with some work, but not a ton. 

So the balance effort isn't perfect...one side still carries a lot more weight. But it's working well enough right now.

Finished tulip

10 July 2021: Finished up the stained glass class today. Cannot believe I actually made this (very slowly, with excellent, patient instruction from the teacher).

A packed day, in fact: class in the morning, an event on campus welcoming the Summer Start students, and then dinner and a concert with friends. I am wiped out, but it was a good day. 

Orientation 2021!

9 July 2021: Excited to hand out swag to students on campus for orientation!

Sunlight

8 July 2021: “There’s so much frustration and being like, ‘Nothing you’re doing is making sense. Just take my hand and come over here to this side and then you will live.’ And the inability to do that rationally, deeply suggests that there is a disease component of this thing, right?” –Stephanie Wittels on this episode of Depresh Mode, talking about her brother, Harris, who died from an overdose. 

I am so glad to that John Moe found a new home at Maximum Fun after The Hilarious World of Depression was canceled, because his shows just continually make the world a better place. Hearing him talk with Stephanie about their experiences (John also lost a brother to addiction) rang so true to me, over and over again. 

The anger you feel towards the two people you are dealing with: your brother and the person he has become who is somehow still your brother but has permanently made your brother go away, years before he actually dies. I can remember yelling at him, “Can’t you just keep it together for a day?” (a wedding, a party, a holiday). 

The expert who told John his brother's brain had "holes in it" from the drugs and he would never recover fully, just like a friend who told me, "Oh yeah, that stuff changes the brain. It's permanent" and I felt the little bit of hope remaining inside me fade.

The way you wonder what difference you could have made. I was kicking around all kinds of intervention ideas right before he died, but who knows? 

And the very insight Stephanie talks about above—those moments where you realize how little control an addict can have. And you get it and you know it but you are still so frustrated and angry and you miss your still-alive brother so much, but not nearly as much as you will when he is gone. 

It’s so complicated and sad, but sunlight—talking about it all in public—can only help. 

Bit by bit...

7 July 2021: Made some good progress today on the last piece of my book proposal. If all goes as planned, I should have the proposal done by the end of next week (a couple of weeks early). 

I think--fingers crossed--that writing this book will be fun because the entries will be bite-sized (all less than 2000 words). That's the kind of writing I can see myself doing during the semester--bit by bit. My friend Carrie compared it to podcasts, which seems like a good analogy. 

"Everything Needs Fixing"

6 July 2021: I like this one a lot, especially on the day I had my annual physical, which always gets me anxious right before it happens. (It went fine.) Anyway, give it a read/listen. 

From the poet's "About this Poem" note: "This poem gave me the opportunity to reflect on the kinds of living material within my life and how there is a limitation to my fixing, realizing how we must marvel at the magic and evolving beauty of aging...I began to think about the biblical story of Noah, sent by God to repair a fractured world and how there is still beauty to be found in the outcome of chaos.”

Little visit...

5 July 2021: Since today is the federal holiday, today was predictably dead on campus. But I was up there getting some work done. I was about to head home when a former student, Casey, texted me saying, "Are you in your office?" I texted back that I was but that she shouldn't judge me for that. Ha. Anyway, she was back in town for a visit and thought she saw my car in the parking lot. It wasn't my car--I have a new one since I last saw her--but I'm glad she thought it was. We visited for a bit and it was a nice surprise. 

Fourth...

4 July 2021: 

[Catch-up post]

Spent almost all day yesterday hanging out at Tim and Kevin's, along with Hannah and Cory. Just a wonderful, relaxing way to spend the day. 

Almost 5...

3 July 2021: Hard to believe Isla will be five in a couple of days. Really glad I got to spend time with her and Erin's whole crew today.

Delayed introduction...

2 July 2020: Today I finally had the chance to meet in person a faculty member who came on board in August. We'd "met" online and been in virtual meetings together, but it sure was nice to finally have lunch and get to know her a little better. And I such a no-chill dork: about hanging out again, I was like, "I am around all the time. Just let me know!" 

Last advising appointment

1 July 2021: Finished my last summer advising appointment today. It went well enough, working with a friendly new Spanish major. So the whole endeavor didn't end with a whimper, but it sure wasn't a bang. Just...different. Each session was kind of fun in the moment, but (to sound like a broken record) I miss working with and seeing my colleagues at "camp."