Dreamy...

15 January 2022: In my dream last night/early this morning, I slept in and was furious at myself for not getting through the to-do list I had made for today. And feeling rushed and anxious. So…that subconscious seems to be working just fine. Nothing to see here! 

In reality, I ended up getting out of bed the same time as usual because I was awake and not because of guilt or anxiety and, so far, I am getting through the list just fine. And a weekend list is designed to get stuff done in a leisurely way and then I can basically take the late afternoon/evening off. (That last sentence is totally something a well-adjusted person would say, right?)

Winston Duke on Bullseye

14 January 2022: Started my day off listening to this episode of Bullseye, in which Jarrett Hill fills in for Jesse and interview Winston Duke. I found it so compelling and it stayed on my mind on and off all day. Two aspects (that are linked) make it really powerful: Duke's discussion of his feelings and insecurities about his body (as a big and tall Black man) and his description of therapy and the role it has played in his life. Hill's role as interviewer is important, too, as he relates to Duke on both counts. I learned a lot just by listening to these two men speak so openly and honestly about these complex and personal issues. A reminder of how we can all be so human and fragile.  

Some lovely coverage...

13 January 2022: Really delighted by this nice article (written by one of my favorite students) about the grant we won. And really and truly: I mean every word I say in it. 

Successful juggling...

12 January 2022: Managed to successfully juggle each part of my career today--teaching, "assistant-deaning," and writing. Even managed to take in the women's basketball game this evening. It's way too early to say "I've got this," but a day like today gives me a bit more confidence.

Nothing feels quite like it...

11 January 2022: Nothing feels quite like getting a very sweet email from a recent graduate who just got hired for a position that you gave her name for. She said the most lovely things in her message and at the end of a long day where my emotions were all over the place, it really made me smile.

Also! Nothing feels quite like...taking a rapid COVID test (because you feel a bit crummy and have a weird headache) and having it come back negative. Whew! 

Always good to be back...

10 January 2022: First day of the Spring 2022 semester is in the books. One class (204) is almost entirely new-to-me students. One class (the Poe seminar) is almost entirely (except one) students I already know. Different vibes, but both exciting in different ways. As always, the classroom is my favorite space.

Also helped some more with testing this evening. Quieter than any other day I've helped, but I understand it was hoppin' in the morning. So proud of those folks!

Night before classes...

9 January 2022: I feel like my whole "Friday/weekend brain" and plans to get some stuff done got swallowed up by COVID testing on campus, even though I was only there about half of each day. So this evening, I find myself feeling a bit underprepared (but only maybe emotionally?) and a bit uneasy. Kind of wish I could fast-forward to tomorrow and just get into the rhythm of things rather than waiting for them to start. 

Last Saturday of break...

8 January 2022: Having a familiar conversation/debate with myself over whether something that I think makes me happy actually mostly does just the opposite. I know which side is right, but I keep acting otherwise. Big Old Thoughts for a Saturday evening. 

On the positive side, helped with testing on campus again today. Much less busy but still steady. And still mostly made me feel good about helping, about the people I work with, and about our students. 

Testing...

7 January 2022: Unexpectedly spent most of today helping with return-to-campus COVID testing today. It was exhausting and overwhelming and moving and all of that. Gonna do another shift tomorrow and Sunday. Things feel so hard and bleak right now, but the people I work with make me feel so lucky and proud. 

Winter Break Goal List: Done!

6 January 2022: On the first anniversary of a horrifying surreal event, it was an otherwise quiet day around here. But one big achievement? I marked the final items off of my "Winter Break Goal List." It was not a terribly ambitious list, but it wasn't nothing, either. And, as I mentioned yesterday, this even gives me some time to bust out a decent draft of the book entry I am working on. 

Now that I think about it, I managed to get work done on all the parts of my job: teaching prep, Faculty Senate President stuff, Assistant Dean stuff, and some writing (just a page, again, but that's okay) for the book. As the snow sets in on a cold night, with all the usual worries pressing in a bit, this is a comforting realization. Time for some TV (finally starting Yellowjackets) before trying to get to bed a bit early. 

One page...

5 January 2022: Wrote just over a page for the book today. It's not much, but it is something and it feels pretty good. Hoping to maybe have a decent draft of this particular entry (on Maria Amparo Ruiz de Burton) by Monday--which would actually be more than I dreamed of when I made my Winter Break Goal List. (The most I hoped for was an outline. Got that done yesterday.)

Bit by bit, with hopes/plans for a much more productive semester. Should be more manageable with no conference papers or Scarborough Lectures to plan--and no Provost Search to chair. 

Course prep help...

4 January 2022: I think often about how lucky I am to have a friend like Hannah. Not sure how I would have gotten through this pandemic and everything else without her. 

Here's one more example of her awesomeness: today when she had a bit of time free at work and her boss was away from her desk, she invited me over to help me talk out some questions I had about my seminar. That was her way of "rebelling" a bit at work. The conversation was so good and helpful--she's (at heart) such a wonderful teacher. And I am pretty sure she had fun. What a gift she is. 

And that syllabus and all the other course prep stuff? Just about done!

Burst of progress...

3 January 2022: Had a huge burst of progress today with my Poe seminar syllabus. I last taught this class in 2010--and on a TR schedule--so I didn't want to just do what I did last time. Plus, I've grown and learned some things about teaching since then. Anyway, still some more pieces to hammer out, but if all goes as planned, I might finish that "Winter Break To-Do List" in the next couple of days. 

Started the day, by the way, with an on-campus rapid COVID test, a requirement of everyone when they return to campus. (I kind of never left. Ha.) Negative, thank goodness. (Also took one on the morning Hannah and I painted...) Something about seeing all these Shepherd folks (staff, mostly) coming together to run this big operation gets to me, just like it always does. I want to cry, it's so lovely. This is a very special place. 

Packing up...

2 January 2022: Put the inside Christmas decorations away today, a job that always makes me feel ambivalent--sad that the season is over, but relieved to have everything back where it should be. Decided to leave the lights up outside for a least a couple more days. 

Remarkably--since it was in the 60s today--it is supposed to snow tomorrow. That might look pretty when the lights come on tomorrow. On my walk around the neighborhood this evening, it was clear I wasn't the only one holding onto this part of the holiday season a little longer. 

"Counting, This New Year's Morning, What Powers Yet Remain To Me"

1 January 2022: Feeling too ambivalent to do a "reflection" or "looking ahead" post. Quiet day. Big Thoughts. 

So I'll cheat and let a poem do some speaking for me, specifically this one, by Jane Hirschfield. It captures the sadness, tiredness, gratitude, wonder, and bit of hope that I feel. An excerpt:

"I brought salt, brought oil, to the question. Brought sweet tea, 

brought postcards and stamps. For four years, each day, something.

Stone did not become apple. War did not become peace. 

Yet joy still stays joy. Sequins stay sequins. Words still bespangle, bewilder. 

Today, I woke without answer. 

The day answers, unpockets a thought from a friend

don't despair of this falling world, not yet

didn't it give you the asking"

Also completely charmed by this one...