Virtual 5K

15 October 2020: My daily walk had a bit more purpose this morning, as it was in support of Shepherd Virtual 5K, with proceeds going to the Last Dollar Fund. Nice way to start the day.

P.S.

14 October 2020: Got an email from one of my favorite students (that's a big category, I know) that had this very simple inclusion: "P.S. you rock." 

So simple, but it made me smile in the midst of a long day. 

"a desire to walk into the ocean"

13 October 2020: Quoting from an email from one of my ENGL 301 students that gave me both validation and a hearty chuckle:

"I'd just like to thank you for your suggestion to have other people read a story for a reader-response paper! My theses are pretty much set in stone already. Having a group of average men read 'The Use of Force' was extremely illuminating, and handed me a thesis on a silver platter, unfortunately now I am overcome with a desire to walk into the ocean."

Dashboard frustration

12 October 2020: Really wish Shepherd would stick to its word and update the COVID dashboard on time. (It's supposed to be updated at 4:00 every weekday). For those of us there every day, doing our best, this seems like an easy way to keep/maintain trust. I start hitting refresh at 4:00 and sometimes the update doesn't come out until way later. Right now, at nearly 8:00, it's still showing Friday's numbers--numbers that indicated in a big jump in quarantines.

So yeah: maybe give us the info???

Remember movie theaters???

11 October 2020: A message I just sent Hannah: "Like...seeing a movie on a fall (summer, spring, winter) day, settling in with your soda and popcorn, watchin' trailers, feeling your butt go numb but not (really) caring, hitting the bathroom as soon as its over, then talking with your homies about it after, maybe over some Waffle House or Thai food or whatever?"

Just really missing bits and pieces of "normal," especially as they feel more and more remote. 

Midterm Grades: DONE!

10 October 2020: At around 7:00 p.m. this evening, I submitted my last set of midterm grades for this very strange semester. Still felt good, even though, like most things this semester, its very normalcy felt a bit surreal. 

Still, tradition demands chair-dancing.

46

9 October 2020: My brother would have turned 46 today. Because it's been a long day/week/month/year and I am tired, and because it feels different every year and grief keeps evolving and remains hard to describe, and because sometimes the simplest word does enough work, I'll just say it's sad.

But it's also true that often when I feel sad about his life and death, I find myself thinking about my students and how hopeful it is to be surrounded by college students, even in dark days like these. I also think their liveliness, their energy, and their wit reminds me of him in his better days. I think that he would get a kick out of them. 

So I was glad to spend some time this afternoon with the Sigma Tau Delta students as we hosted an "Outdoor Literature Celebration." To be honest, I wasn't thrilled about going at first. There was work I wanted to get done and I didn't think we'd get much of a turn-out on a late Friday afternoon during a pandemic. But darn it if I wasn't wrong--and I love being wrong about this. We had a pretty decent crowd and the event was kind of awesome. 

After it was over, I went back to my office and worked for another couple hours, and then walked over to pick up my weekly Thai food take-out. As I walked back to my car, I kept thinking about everything I've written about above. Then I started thinking about one especially impressive member of Sigma Tau Delta, someone whose parents struggle(d) with addiction. And here she is, thriving and inspiring. She's a delightful young woman who makes me laugh. I realized, in a different universe, she could be Ryan's kid. I don't know what to do with that, but it made me smile. He'd get a kick out of her, too. 

Behaving herself...

8 October 2020: Yearly exam completed. As is usually the case, this semi-feral drama queen actually behaved pretty well. But her face in these pics reveals multitudes. 

Off it goes...

7 October 2020: As I walked to my class in Reynolds Hall today, Carrie was waiting outside. Usually that means the technology isn't work (she teaches there right before I do). "What's wrong this time?" I asked her. 

"Nothing wrong. Just weird," she answered. "There's a bird trapped in there."

Lord, did I worry about that bird. It flew back and forth throughout the class and looked stressed. And yes: I sure did project every bit of my own baggage on that little creature. (Among other emotions, I kept thinking about being stuck in the GSO airport on my way to an interview in upstate NY, watching a bird fly back and forth, trapped inside.)

When the class was over, I found a door in the back to prop open. A couple of hours later, Carrie texted me that it got out. What a relief. 

Done, I suppose...

6 October 2020: I turned in a big(ish) project today which definitely feels good, but the project itself--academic/institutional bureaucratic busywork--is sucking some of that good feeling away. But at least it's done. Whew.  

(It is interesting to see the ways I have allowed myself to get involved in precisely the kind of work I always said I never wanted to do. Sigh.)

"A Reason to Smile"

 “You won me over with your way of kissing and the way you hold me when we dance. You’re not a fantastic dancer, but you hold me fantastically…” –Hunny, to Elliot, her husband of 60+ years.

This is just a delightful episode of the StoryCorps podcast. Really hit the spot at the end of the day. 

Nostalgia

4 October 2020: On a day where I once again find myself seeking escape in very old game show re-runs and dreaming of the "before times," this episode of Sawbones on nostalgia hits differently. I always remember a professor telling me that the word combines "'pain" and "home" and I've been acutely aware of its inherent bittersweet-ness ever since. 

"Traveling Alone"

3 October 2020: Was in an pretty awesome mood most of the day--one where I even caught myself in the midst of it and wondered why. Said to myself--out loud--"you are having a good day." 

Things shifted a bit tonight, but hanging in there. Music hurts and helps in equal measure. 

"it is a little thing..."

2 October 2020: "Susie--it is a little thing to say how lone it is--anyone can do it,but to wear the loneness next to your heart for weeks, when you sleep, and when you wake, ever missing something, this, all cannot say, and it baffles me." --Emily Dickinson to Susan Gilbert, 1854.

A bit of validation...

1 October 2020: Lots of meetings today with good folks. And that one person who was giving off bad vibes? Condescending and low-key aggressive? It's really validating to hear that I wasn't the only one picking up on those vibes. Not only does that show that I'm not crazy, but it makes me feel better about what I might have been giving off myself. Shew.