So long, January...

31 January 2025: As the corny jokes go, January always feels about 70 months long. This one has been no exception. Grateful to have made it through and be a bit closer to spring. Also grateful that I had a good day at work, got all of my course prep and grading done, and make it home by 6:30. Put on comfy clothes, ate some take-out, and am looking forward to a couple hours of TV before heading to bed. (Yes, that counts as a very nice Friday night in my book!)

Proofing and indexing...still...

30 January 2025: Finished a first go-through proofreading and indexing the book. Both need another go-through, which ought to go a bit more quickly, I think. Still feeling a lot of anxiety, particularly about the proofing, but in that way, the quick turnaround is a bit of a gift. Like...it's just gotta get done. 

Wednesday night grading fuel...

29 January 2025: I am telling you: when everything else is absolute trash, my students keep me going. They are so funny and smart and beautifully human. Here's a bit from an essay proposal for ENGL 102.

"How to Write Your Representative"

28 January 2025: Today our NWP site hosted a "How to Write Your Representative" event in the Rams Den. Let me tell you: seeing these students express an interest in writing these letters--and just to spend four hours watching them hanging out and being wonderful and fun and caring with each other--it was exactly what I needed. Spending time around college students is just such a gift. 

t-i-r-e-d

27 January 2025: Whew! A long and busy day today: four classes, office hours, a meeting, grading, so many emails, and then a guest hosting gig at Captain Benders. I am wiped out but also excited because I should sleep like a rock. 

Busy couple of weeks ahead. Feeling on the verge of overwhelmed, but also quietly confident. 

Hard Truths

26 January 2025: I make no secret of the fact that I am an easy movie crier. I mean, I cried during Presence and would have cried more when it was over, but didn't want to look too strange leaving the theater. So perhaps it isn't surprising that I cried more than once watching Hard Truths. And my goodness: the folks upset about Marianne Jean-Baptiste not getting an Oscar nomination are absolutely right. (And Michele Austin, too!)

Halina Reijn...

25 January 2025: I really enjoyed this episode of the Death, Sex, and Money podcast. It's an interview with Halina Reijn, the filmmaker behind both Bodies, Bodies, Bodies and Babygirl. She's such an interesting person and what she and Sale (the host) had to say about Babygirl made me think about it all over again. It's really a fascinating movie. Kind of can't wait to see what Reijn does next. 

Presence

24 January 2025: Boy, did I really like Presence. When the end credits started rolling, I said to Amy, "I think I just need to like, cry for ten minutes?" (I didn't, but could have.) I need to think about it a lot more, but it really moved and surprised me. 

Grateful

23 January 2025: For over a month, I've been waiting for an ultrasound, a follow-up test ordered after my last mammogram. I was almost certain everything would be fine, but worry is inevitable. So grateful that it looks like everything is okay. And so grateful for health care. 

Of course it helped...

22 January 2025: Did being back on campus today and teaching my four classes help improve my mood today (compared to yesterday), even though all of the news coming out of DC is trash? 

Of course it did. 

Every single day in the classroom is a day with "good" in it. 

Every. Single. Day. 

Day two...

21 January 2025: So today was harder--much harder--than yesterday. I woke up and remembered immediately our new reality and all the ugliness that unfolded via executive orders last night. It's so bleak and cruel and dark. 

I also know that cabin fever is getting to me; too much time in my own head, with only my own voice keeping me company. (Well, Jo and Veronica are here, but you get my point.) I am making good if slow progress on the book editing, but all of that really plays into my anxiety about missing mistakes. And the timeline feels tight. 

My jaw has been clenched for days, I think. It hurts. I find myself falling into old, anxious habits of listening to and worrying about the heat pump. Cannot wait for warmer temperatures. 

So a return to trivia tonight (in the midst of this bitter chill) will be quite welcome. And so will being back on campus tomorrow. None of that will help with weariness, but I'll take what I can get. 

Keep going...

20 January 2025: What else to do on a day like today but...keep going? Keep doing what you need to do, loving and supporting those you love, and praying and working to make things better.

In a more granual sense, for me, that mostly meant staying close to home (snow and ice played a role in that), working the book, and spending nearly two hours on a video chat with Jane, Allison, Heather, and Beth. All of that helped to push back against the darkness. 

Day one of a new, dark reality, but we keep going. 

Update, 7:41 p.m.: Just feels worth recording this because emotions and grief and today are so weird: just now, "crop duster" was an answer on Jeopardy! and I giggled and thought, 'I should tell Ryan that,'" like I could just call him up or he was in the other room. Just a second, if that. And then the "oh, wait..."

Proofing and indexing...

19 January 2025: The snow set in by 10:00 or so and made my walk really pretty--and slip-free, since it hadn't started sticking yet. That changed by 1:00 when it really poured and piled up. I think we've got five inches or so? I cleared the first three or four from the driveway around 5:00. The rest can wait until tomorrow, though Lord knows it will be pretty icy by that point. (Now a few days of bitter cold sets in and I am trying really hard not to let that get in my head too much.)

Otherwise, a productive and pleasant day mostly inside. Some chores, some TV, and some work on the book's proofs and index. 

Boy, I have been worried about the index and the proofing since the start. Fortunately, though, I think I have figured out the big intellectual puzzles of the index. (Not surprisingly, not that much of a puzzle. Just had to start it and figure out what I wanted to do.) 

Unfortunately, I am so anxious about missing mistakes as I proof. I've been reading the pages aloud to myself, a strange activity. With some cringing, I am proud to say that I do think the writing is pretty good. That's satisfying. But I keep telling myself, "slow down, be careful, don't miss anything." That part's not fun.

Anyway, about thirty-seven pages done. Two-hundred and sixty or so to go.

Bit by bit...

One of Them Days

18 January 2025: A low-key lovely Saturday, I think? Got up early-ish (for a Saturday), ran some errands, did my weekly housework, and even started working on the book proofs and edits. By mid-afternoon, my to-do list was pretty much done. 

Since the weather is looking bad for tomorrow, Amy and I decided to see a movie today instead of tomorrow (alas, no free popcorn from Regal on "National Popcorn Day" tomorrow). We saw One of Them Days, which was silly and funny and really hit the spot. It was also kind of cool to see a movie celebrating Los Angeles, particularly Black communities in Los Angeles, at this moment in time, with so much of the city suffering. 

After the movie, we had dinner (where I would have made my dad proud, using a pretty good coupon). Back home now, watching Brooklyn 99 reruns and just relaxing. Again, usually, with a snowstorm approaching, my mood might be more somber, but so far, it's okay. 

These kinds of posts are, I know, kind of boring and "laundry lists" that don't take too much creativity or thinking, but every once in a while, I don't mind them as kind of snapshots. 

One week down...

17 January 2025: Sitting in my office on campus just after 5:30 on a Friday, basically ready for when classes start up again on Wednesday (we have Monday off for MLK Day). That's a good feeling: nothing to carry into the weekend. It won't happen again, at least not very often once the grading really picks up, but I am appreciating it now for a lot of reasons. 

The biggest one? My book proofs came in yesterday. I've got a month to go through them and write the index. Exciting and terrifying! But I am grateful for the long weekend (including what might be a snow-bound Sunday (and Monday?)) to knock a lot of it out. But enough about that. Feels more appropriate to do some first-week reflecting.

I've got four classes that seem great (plus the practicum). A wide variety of students. Good discusions so far. The 102 students are still a bit quiet, but we'll see. 

Yesterday delivered some blows to my pride in my workplace, but those are problems from higher levels/positions of power. At the end of the day, I am still so glad and blessed to get to work with these students. 

This girl...

16 January 2025:

Caught my girl looking so pensive and thoughtful that I almost sobbed.

Yes, I am projecting so much onto her. Everything seems so hard. Only thing to do is take care of each other and do the work we are called on to do.

(She is not thinking that last part, or would never admit it. Ha.)

Nuggets with Buddy...

15 January 2025: What a gift to spend some time with Hannah this evening (after her annual attendance at a basketball game) and just talk about everything. She, as always, was insightful, smart, hilarious, and so kind about everything. BabyBud (as I call him) is such a lucky kid. 

Attempted bribe...

14 January 2025: One of my trivia teams tried to bribe me at the end of the last round tonight. For a fraction of a second, I got excited. (Picture taken after I got home.)

Day One, Spring 2025 Semester...

13 January 2025: Day One went pretty darn well, I think. Great students (of course), some good conversations already, and I managed to get my course prep and other stuff done by 5:30ish and head home. 

A couple of snapshots...

I kind of hate both getting to campus when it's dark and leaving when it's dark, but I liked this view of the sky as I walked to my car this evening. It's dark, but not pitch black--with blue and even pink and purple still there, and the moon was lovely and bright. Made me happy.

This one's much sillier, but like I do every once in a while when I've been gone all day, I came in the door (didn't even take off my coat), saw Jo come running, and sat and laid right down on the floor with her. Just petted her and hung out for about five minutes. She loves it (and remains hard to photograph when she's moving). The butt shot made me laugh. 

So: one day down, all seems well. Many days to go, but grateful for a good start. 

You Could Make This Place Beautiful

12 January 2025: Finished Maggie Smith's You Could Make This Place Beautiful today and found it really captivating and moving. I read it on Kindle (got a good deal) and do wish I could have read it on paper, just to make flipping through it easier (for me), in part because I could sense all the ways it poetically echoed and built on earlier moves--and wanted to see that more clearly. 

One of those moves is recurring chapter names, including "A Friend Says Every Book Begins with an Unanswerable Question." Each of these includes only two lines of text. Here's they are from a chapter late in the book.

"Then what is mine?

how to make this place beautiful"

I could have quoted so many memorable passages, but this one stands out to me as I look towards a new semester (starting tomorrow) and--Lord help us--what's coming on January 20. 

Saturday snapshots...

11 January 2025: Some Saturday snapshots: a message I found in the new snow and a new box cycled in for the cats. (Guess what was in it.)

New (little) project...

10 January 2025: With the exception of opening convocation, today was a kind of quiet day, which worked out just fine. Did some more preparation for Monday (and beyond), filed/sorted/tossed a lot of papers from last semester, and ran some errands. 

I also got (a bit more) started on a new research project: a proposal for SSAWW in Philadelphia in November. It feels good to jump into a new (small) project. The rhythms of the process--having an idea, searching for sources, tracking them down, getting a sense of the conversation, finding ways into it--are pleasantly familiar and quietly exciting. Nerdy as heck, but I am who I am. 

"Love (III)"

9 January 2024: Found myself tearing up listening to a reading of George Herbert's "Love (III)" this morning. I've been such a fan of Herbert ever since I first read him, but I don't think I've thought about this poem in years. But this morning, as I drove to an appointment, filled with anxiety and so tired already, it moved me more profoundly than ever before. "You must sit," God tells us. He loves us. That is enough.

(Grateful for the magnificant In Our Time podcast for this moment of grace.)

Just about ready...

8 January 2025: Had my first official meeting of the semester today and then spent a lot of the rest of the day working on the million little things one needs to get done before classes start. Though my vibes still feel off, it was nevertheless nice and soothing to just hammer away at a set of tasks and make progress.

Back from a trivia break...

7 January 2025: It's so strange to both want the semester to start (to see people, to get back in the classroom, to get back on schedule and back into a routine) but also feel pre-tired and a little overwhelmed. I think it's just the blahs from the snow and everything else. I know routine will serve me well.

Grateful, therefore, to have a tiny bit of that routine coming back tonight. For the first time since mid-December (thanks to back-to-back holiday "eves" falling on Tuesdays), I'll be back at Rumsey for trivia. A tiny bit nervous about the ice, but mostly glad to see my teams again. 

Better (snow) angels...

6 January 2025: I mean, at the risk of saying something very obvious that is also a ridiculous understatement, it is surreal watching certification of an election where the winner stoked a violent insurrection against the government. It's just infuriating, bewildering, and so very sad. 

Not good vibes for a snow day, which already aren't good vibes day for me.

But, as is so often the case, the Lord sends hope and light. 

As I did a first pass on my driveway this morning, my neighbors Pam and Ann came over to help me finish up. I told them I could handle it, but they insisted. As we finished up, I explained that I was grateful on this otherwise grim day for a reminder of good people doing good things for others. (We think alike, thank goodness.)

When I was done, I took a shorter version of my usual walk (thanks, YakTrax, as always). Of course, the first house that I passed was Pam and Ann's. Imagine my delight as I saw them--two women in their 50s--laying in the front yard, hands clasped, making snow angels. I yelled over, "I don't think you could be any cuter if you tried!" 

Then, maybe a half a block up, another neighbor--definitely in her late 50s/early 60s--passed me, walking back from shoveling someone else's driveway. At first, from far away, I thought she was another teenager, out making a few bucks. I told her as much and she said, "Thanks for the compliment!"

Anyway, goodness endures. People still take care of each other. We laugh. We play in the snow. We live and we love. It's the only option.

In for the night and beyond...

5 January 2025: After helping at the trivia championship game this afternoon, I am home now, likely not leaving (in a car, anyway) until Tuesday at the earliest. I hate it, but it is what it is and I have nowhere I have to be, a warm home, food to eat, work to do, TV to watch, and Veronica and Jo to keep me company. It's good to count blessings and realize you are being silly (even if that's not enough to make you stop being silly). 

Nosferatu

4 January 2025: Really enjoyed seeing this movie today, especially because Carrie and James joined Amy and me. 

My mood is still not the best, as I wrote about yesterday, especially with a winter storm on the way, but today was a pretty good day all things considered.

More of these "in between" days...

3 January 2025: I put away/took down all of the Christmas decorations, inside and out. This is never a fun task, but it goes more quickly than decorating and there's a kind of "that's that" satisfaction to having it done. 

Still, I find myself fighting off some melancholy. I can sense where it's coming from: the end of the holiday season, some cold and snowy weather coming, the lack of my regular teaching routine, and some other stuff just weighing on me.

Got home from the basketball game tonight feeling all of this and Jo greeted me. And then BabyCat popped out for a hello. These darn girls just make me happy. They make me smile. That's often enough to push through harder times. So very grateful.

Thought I'd post this very funny (to me) picture of BabyCat from a couple of days ago, tell-tale evidence on her whiskers that she joined Jo in the garage for some hijinks when the door somehow blew open.

102 syllabizing (again)...

2 January 2025: Just like last winter break, I have spent much of this break worrying over my ENGL 102 syllabus, which I (foolishly) decided to re-do. I do feel like I made some progress today, though, which is encouraging. 

A long stretch of cold and, at times, snowy weather is settling in. Not good for my mood, but I am also hoping that staying close to home and keeping quiet and cozy will also help motivate me. And for better or worse, I've only got about a week until "go time."

"didn’t it give you the asking"

1 January 2025: So many smart and kind souls posting words of wisdom and commiseration at the beginning of this new year, one already marred by violence and pain. Jane Hirschfield's poem, "Counting, This New Year’s Morning, What Powers Yet Remain To Me," really speaks to me today.