"two people..."

28 February 2018: "What I know is I feel like I am two people. One wants nothing more than to be clean. And one wants to dial up a dealer." --Louise Valentine, a speaker at a panel that I attended tonight on campus entitled "Intervention & Addiction – An Ethics Dialogue."

The entire panel was terrific: interesting and important. But I could have listened to Ms. Valentine, who works with harm-reduction programs for addicts/users, talk about her work and her own experiences for hours.

Of course, whenever I attend any event like this, Ryan is always on my mind and tonight was no exception. He's been on my mind more than usual today; earlier in the day, I brought him up in class as we finished our discussion of The Awakening and Edna's suicide. Having him on my mind these days isn't necessarily happy or sad...it just depends. Today, I guess, the memories and motivations for thinking about him were more sad than happy, but that's okay.

Poor Keats...

27 February 2018: "Forgive me if I wander a little this evening, for I have been all day employ’d in a very abstract Poem and I am in deep love with you, two things which must excuse me." --John Keats, in a letter to Fanny Brawne

We are tackling Keats' letters in ENGL 311 on Thursday and the lines quoted above made me smile. I can imagine Fanny's face when she read them, as the sentence took the turn from high-minded excuse (working on a "very abstract Poem") to an excuse that must have made her grin and maybe sigh. I also appreciate the insight on Keats' mind--his ability to be occupied by two very different yet related concepts: the work he wants to do and the love he has for this woman.

You can read more of the letters here. And careful readers will also notice in this particular letter language/ideas that appear in "Bright Star."

Sorry for two romantic/tragic posts in a row (and I am being silly with my back-to-back post titles), but what can I say?

Poor Heloise...

26 February 2018: "Remember I still love you, and yet strive to avoid loving you. What a terrible saying is this!" --Heloise to Abelard

This morning I listened to a podcast about Heloise and Abelard, the famous couple I remember first learning about in college. All these years later, the story still gets to me.

Midterm Grades: DONE!

25 February 2018: Just entered my last set of midterm grades into the system. As always, there were high and lows, laughter and tears. (I am only slightly exaggerating...)

And, as always, cue chair-dancing.

Senior Day

24 February 2018: Got to see the women's basketball team win their final home game (on "Senior Day") with these lovely friends.

More from The Awakening

23 February 2018: "He could not see that she was becoming herself and daily casting aside that fictitious self which we assume like a garment with which to appear before the world." --Chopin, The Awakening

Deep thoughts, courtesy of Kate Chopin, on a kind of dreary Friday.

"You Don't Know Me"

22 February 2018:

"No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
Cause you don't know me" --Cindy Walker/Eddy Arnold, "You Don't Know Me"

Going with the Emmylou version tonight. Feels right...

Back to The Awakening

21 February 2018: "Mrs. Pontellier was not a woman given to confidences, a characteristic hitherto contrary to her nature. Even as a child she had lived her own small life all within herself. At a very early period she had apprehended instinctively the dual life—that outward existence which conforms, the inward life which questions." --Kate Chopin, The Awakening

We start The Awakening in my ENGL 360 class on Friday. A couple of students who have read it before are wary of going back. I get it. I hated this book the first few times I read it. Now it's one of my favorites. The quotation above is a small explanation of why.

Don Juan

20 February 2018:

"Man's a phenomenon, one knows not what,
And wonderful beyond all wondrous measure;
'T is pity though, in this sublime world, that
Pleasure's a sin, and sometimes sin's a pleasure;
Few mortals know what end they would be at,
But whether glory, power, or love, or treasure,
The path is through perplexing ways, and when
The goal is gain'd, we die, you know—and then—

What then?—I do not know, no more do you—
And so good night.—Return we to our story..."--Byron, Don Juan, Canto One

I spent some serious time with Byron today in preparation for a class on Thursday. Don Juan, with its lively verses, hilarious wit, and surprising moments of beauty and the sublime was well-suited to today. Today, after all, was a oddly gorgeous day; temperatures soared over 80 degrees and a broken water main meant that school closed early. It felt like spring and looked like it, too, with everyone outside and (seemingly) happy. But none of it seemed quite right and it definitely didn't feel normal. 

I love the lines quoted above which are both serious and humorous. They tackle one of the big questions/struggles in life (why is stuff that feels so good so often really bad?) even as it undercuts itself as it moves to the next stanza. Perfect contemplations for a strange and beautiful day.

Forgiveness

19 February 2018: "Forgiveness is so radical and so filthy, and it gets made out to be such a casual concept, when really it might be one of the deepest things that we do as humans — to forgive for real deep hurts."

This interview with Brandi Carlile is so great. Smart and challenging and compassionate and just honest. Terrific.

These ladies...

18 February 2018:

Got to hang out with these ladies today. What more to say? It was wonderful.

"Martha's Lady"

17 February 2018: "Life was beginning to hold moments of something like delight in the last few days." --Sarah Orne Jewett, "Martha's Lady"

I am teaching this lovely and bittersweet story once again on Monday. What a pleasure it has been to re-read it tonight and think about how much one person can change another person's life just by being who she is--and how long that transformative power can last.

Black Panther

16 February 2018: "I save my country." --one of my favorite lines from Black Panther. It's awesome and a nice way to end a very busy and stressful work week.

Humility...

15 February 2018:

One of my favorite excerpts of Ben Franklin’s Autobiography comes in his list of the thirteen qualities he listed as being important for moral perfection. After initially compiling a list of twelve, a friend suggests adding one more: humility. I love what Franklin doesn’t say here, leaving us to wonder if the friend’s advice was just a general idea that humility was important or if it was targeted to Franklin specifically. Franklin, after all, talks about his plan for moral perfection as it if is absolutely attainable. Not exactly a humble statement.

And then, in a deliciously rich bit of writing, he adds just four words after “Humility” in his list: “Imitate Jesus and Socrates.” Amazing. It is so perfect. Because, sure: if you want to be humble, imitate those two dudes. But to think you can imitate those two—that it’s that simple—and you can be humble? Well, isn’t that the opposite of humility?

This is a long way of getting around to what I am trying to write about for today’s post. Simply put, I got too big for my britches, wasn’t gracious, and said something I just shouldn’t have said—or more accurately, shouldn’t have said the way that I did. And I said it to someone I really care about. And I hate that quality when I let it out. I apologized (a lot), but I still feel bad. I know I’ll feel bad about it all night and probably when I wake up tomorrow morning, too. Sometimes I am reminded that I am not nearly as humble as I should be. These reminders are always painful but I am grateful when I can recognize how I can do better.

"Resignation"

14 February 2018:

This is a heck of a love poem, by Nikki Giovanni. Here's the opening:

"I love you
            because the Earth turns round the sun
            because the North wind blows north
                 sometimes
            because the Pope is Catholic
                 and most Rabbis Jewish
            because the winters flow into springs
                 and the air clears after a storm
            because only my love for you
                 despite the charms of gravity
                 keeps me from falling off this Earth
                 into another dimension
I love you
            because it is the natural order of things"

Beautiful.