Rainy night music...

"If I could through myself set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light and to the day..."

Just a bit ago, as I was working on some notes for a project, U2's "Bad" came up on the Pandora station. I realized I hadn't heard this song in some time and found even more appreciation for it (and I already loved it). The energy, the frustration, the sadness, the elation, the crescendo...amazing.

"...we can know many things that are very hard to bear"

Since my brother died, I've had this urge to wrap everyone I love in bubble wrap. (Not really, but you get my point.) Anyway, connected to that, I just had to share this "Quote for the Day" from The Dish. Marilynne Robinson is a longtime favorite of mine, and this quotation really speaks to me:

“I think one of the poignant things about human beings is that they’re so undefended, physically. And that there’s an absolute relationship between that defenselessness and everything that’s impressive about them. I think a lot of us would like to be turtles and porcupines, and I think that in a way one of the impulses of human beings is to defend themselves in a way that nature did not. But I think the other impulse is to just love the experience with nothing to protect oneself, and actually feeling in fact no barrier. People know about their mortality in a way that we can’t know that any animal knows. They know about Earth being a ball in space. Intelligence of the high human sort could be translated as defenselessness, because we can know many things that are very hard to bear,” – Marilynne Robinson, in an interview included in A Door Ajar: Contemporary Writers and Emily Dickinson.

This guy...

Today's been a rough day for a lot of reasons. But for a lot of other reasons, it should have been a good day: I got a ton of work done, I got a good long walk in, I had a great conversation with Rita on her birthday. But yeah...I was still feeling pretty bad.

Then this guy jumped up, curled himself around my arm, and fell asleep. He doesn't usually sit with me like this. He'll lay on me when I am on the couch or in bed, but he isn't big on lap--or lap desk--sitting. But he jumped on up and made me smile. I'm still a bit glum, but he's good for what ails me.

"A nice day on the water"

For a number of reasons, yesterday was kind of rough. My parents sent a picture of the marker that has recently been installed at Ryan's grave. It looks nice enough, but that image and what it represents sent me (and the rest of the family) into some dark moments. I still click on the link to his online obituary and sometimes click through all the pictures. Last night, I found myself wanting more and did a google search for my brother's name. His name is relatively common (lots more Ryan Hanrahans than Heidi Hanrahans, for instance), so there were lots of hits, but other than copies of his obituary, nothing came up that was about/by/for him. After all, Ryan never did Facebook or had much of an online presence. Then I added the phrase "Rocky Point" and came across this link. It's just one post on a fishing site, but there's no doubt that Ryan wrote it.

"I took the kayak out this evening and did very well with bluefish with poppers on the fly. The fish were blitzing in schools about half an acre in size. I put down the fly rod and drifted below the surface with a spro bucktail and scored a 43 inch bass. my penn 4300 drag assembly blew apart during his first run but managed to land him after a long battle. It was a nice day on the water."

The entry is dated August 9, 2003...over 11 years ago. He would have been 28. I would have been about to turn 26. He was living with my parents and working in landscaping. I was in graduate school in Greensboro. I keep trying to remember more about what he was like then.What was our relationship like then? Was this a stretch when he was happy? It seems like it was. How did he feel about himself and his life then? What did he think about as he was out on the water? Why didn't he post on the site again? I wish there was more to read. More glimpses of him like this, doing what he used to love doing so much. There wasn't much fishing in the last years of his life, something that I always found so sad and frustrating.

But I do have this little paragraph to hold onto, a time when he was happy enough to actually write about it and share it. For that I am grateful.

The next place...

Back in January, I made a resolution of sorts to write a post for each day of 2014. To motivate myself and try to keep from falling deeper into a sort of emotional funk I was feeling even in January, I decided to do a (sort of cheesy) “year of thanks” theme. Though sometimes I had to do a catch-up post or two, I was right on track to make it to 365 posts. In my mind, it had been challenging year so far, the dental drama (which is still going on, by the way) serving as a perhaps silly symbol of that persistent funk. But through it all, the blog, which really made me focus on blessings in my life, had been a bright spot. So there I was, posting away, a bit proud of myself for keeping it up in the midst of some challenges…

…until July 26, the day I learned that my brother Ryan had died. Words fail to describe what this has been like. In a future post, I think I’ll share what I said about him at his funeral. For now, it’s enough to say that my brother was one of the most amazing people in the world. I’ll miss him forever. 

Since then, I just haven’t been able to come back to this silly little blog, though it’s been on my mind nearly every day. I can’t exactly explain why. Because every day since my brother died, even on the hardest days, there have been so many moments and people for which to be thankful: the old friends who reached out to tell me they were thinking of me; my brothers’ junior high teachers, who at the wake explained how much they loved Ryan and how clearly they remembered him, over 20 years after he was in their classes; the moment I looked up at the funeral and saw some of my dearest friends there; the drive home from New York, when this silly song came on the radio and made me smile and cry at the same time; attending a two-year-old’s birthday party, surrounded by life and love and happiness; fishing with my nephews, who would have made their uncle quite proud; the friends who provided me with distractions (board games, walks, movies) when I otherwise might have been wallowing in grief; the peace I feel on the aimless drives I find myself taking nearly every night; the gorgeous sunset I saw on my walk tonight. Even in these last few weeks, the hardest weeks of my life, I am reminded daily of how blessed I am. 

But still, I couldn’t get myself to come to this blog and post. It seemed, I don’t know…not right. I wasn’t ready. I am not even sure if I am ready now. One day last week, I spent the better portion of the day writing thank-you notes and letters to friends who have been so kind. Dozens and dozens of notes. I found comfort in that, telling myself, “This is a step towards…getting to the next step.” Not “closure,” since that won’t come for a long time, if ever—but what seemed to me an inevitable progression to some ineffable new place in this process. Get the notes done and the formality of it all (yes, I can see myself calling upon Dickinson) will be over. The ceremony, the ritual, the “this is what you do when someone dies.” And then I’d move on…to what, I didn’t know, but there I was, hoping I was almost there. What a fool.

That very night I had a dream…one of those typical dreams where characters and scenes and actions switch almost seamlessly. I found myself moving from one space to another, suddenly walking out onto the deck at my parents’ house. And there he was: Ryan, sitting with my nieces and nephews, almost like in the picture below, one of my favorite pictures of him, a picture that’s been on my mind since Tara first showed it to me while we were putting together photo collages for the wake. In the dream, it was immediately clear to me that he was alive—that we had all been mistaken and he was about to explain it all, how it was all a big misunderstanding. The look on his face—a warm smile—made it all clear. 

I don’t remember what happened next…I know I didn’t wake up right away, but the scene must have switched. And eventually, I did wake up--devastated. And I realized that “next place,” whatever it is…I wasn’t there yet. And I realized that this is how it will be. Steps forward, steps back, never knowing what will send you one way or another.

So no posts.

But today our department had its annual retreat, a sure-fire sign that the semester is about to start. I saw my dear colleagues and was reminded how lucky I am to work with them. How lucky I am to have work that I love, that always makes me happy. Tomorrow, faculty are to “report to campus,” meet the new first-year students, and attend convocation. On Monday, classes begin. I know in my bones that stepping back in the classroom will be soothing. I am so very eager to get back into the swing of things. It feels a bit like I am getting to some sort of next place.

I am also sure that there will be dark moments, steps backward. I still can’t wrap my mind around a world without Ryan in it. I still feel these gut punches when I least expect them. I still don’t know what to say to my poor shattered parents.

A new semester. I probably won’t make it to 365 posts for 2014. But I’ll see what I can do. 

Evening drive...

22 July 2014: This evening I found myself feeling a bit glum and restless, so I hopped in the car for a drive. I didn't even know where I wanted to go, but I started with a run to the post office. I didn't go anywhere too exciting ultimately--just over to Martinsburg, where I ended up getting a sandwich at a Sheetz--but the drive was good for what ailed me. And this song, which popped up on my ipod, helped a lot, too. I might have put it on repeat and sang along. It might not seem like a "pick-me up" song, but it sure is soothing and pretty, and it worked for me.

"We've forgotten James Powell."

21 July 2014: It's been a quiet but good day here. With A&R and summer school over, I've got a lot of unstructured time on my hands and have the brain-space to really get back to some of my scholarly projects--which makes me happy. And, for the first time in a couple of weeks, I took a good, long walk. On that walk, I heard this episode of one of my favorite podcasts, The Memory Palace. It's  excellent: beautifully written and performed, sad and moving, and given some national conversations, very timely.

Road Trip wrap-up...

20 July 2014: A traffic-free, event-free, and fun ride back home after our road trip: the perfect end to a perfect road trip!

Road Trip: Downton costumes and Hamlet!

19 July 2014: Saturday was a nearly perfect summer day. My friends Anna, Hannah, and I took a mini-road trip to Delaware to see the Downton Abbey costume exhibit at Winterthur. In planning the trip, I realized that the Delaware Shakespeare Festival was putting on Hamlet that evening--outdoors, picnicking encouraged. What more could three English-minded folks ask for?

The trip up was fun and traffic-free. The exhibit was fun and interesting. The play was great. The weather was perfect. I mean, picnicking outdoors in July sounds like a risky proposition, but it was pleasant and breezy and lovely. Before the show started, the stage manager came out and made some general announcements. He mentioned that although the forecast called for a 0% chance of rain, if it did rain, the policy is to continue in light rain and, if it gets heavy, stop for twenty minutes and reassess. But again...0% chance of rain, right?

...Until Act 4, Scene 7 (really close to the end). And a light rain started. And the actor playing Laertes, in the really dramatic and sad scene where he learns of his sister's drowning, says the line" Too much of water has thou, poor Ophelia." And the whole crowd cracked up. The actor, God bless him, broke just a bit, briefly smiling and suppressing a chuckle before recovering quite well. It was a terrific moment. You could feel everyone--the actors, the crew, the audience--just hoping and pulling for the show to finish before the rain picked up. It actually ended (more or less) by the sword fight in the final scene. Anyway, a great night and a great day!

Oh--and I won the drawing for a free t-shirt!

Some pictures:

Cora's outfit from Baby Sybil's christening. 

Mary and Matthew's outfits from the cricket match.

Daisy and Mrs. Patmore's dresses.

Sigh! Mary and Matthew's outfits from their engagement scene. The scene itself was playing on a large scene in the background, with snowfall projected all along the wall. Very emotional!

One of Matthew's suits.

Sybil's shocking pants!

Sybil and Mary's dresses from Edith's (canceled) wedding. Edith's dress was there, too, but my picture didn't come out.

The exhibit had memorable lines of dialogue on the walls. This one made me laugh.

 

 Anna and Hannah picnicking before the show.

"Hey!"

18 July 2014: After the successful end of the final A&R session, I had dinner with my some of my favorite people from work. We had a great time, laughing and being a bit silly, especially after sharing and watching this ridiculous video.



You know you are lucky when you have friends you can laugh with like this.

"All Will Be Well"

17 July 2014: After first hearing it on one of my favorite episodes of Parks & Rec, I really fell in love with this song. I (finally) used an mp3 credit from Amazon to download it and have been playing it frequently, including as my "wake-up track" on Thursday morning (and every morning since then). It really is a great way to start the day--soothing, reassuring, and just lovely.

A toddler's birthday party...

16 July 2014: Today my friends' daughter turned one and they had a little party for her. I actually haven't hung out with these friends in a while, so it was lovely to catch up with them, see their kids, see some other friends and their kids, and just relax a bit. And it was a gorgeous day today: low 80s, no humidity. A perfect afternoon/evening!

Tooth drama continues...

15 July 2014: So this tooth thing continues to be...well...a thing. The pain still hasn't ever really been excruciating (thank God!), but it is still not fun. I found myself getting really down and anxious about it on Monday night. So on Tuesday, I called the dentist and he (amazingly) fit me in again. This time we are going with some antibiotics, hoping they do the trick (it's a bit more complicated than that, but I am simplifying). And just like that--with a new plan of action and a blessedly open schedule starting on Monday (A&R ends on Friday, so no more worrying about scheduling any appointments around other commitments), I am feeling optimistic. 

Bonus friends...

14 July 2014: Today's post connects so nicely to yesterday's. Anyway, right before I went to work today, I checked the mail and saw that I had a card from Jane's mom; just a sweet "I'm thinking of you" note that really made my day. So yeah, in addition to having a BFF like Jane, I am blessed with a bunch of Bonus Friends in my life: her awesome family. (And Jane's Mom: if/when you read this, thank you so much. I can't say enough how much your card meant to me. I'll reciprocate soon!)

Super Jane!

13 July 2014: Once again, my dear friend Jane emerges just when I need her, really making my day brighter when we spoke on Sunday. She always knows just what to say, the right balance of humor, empathy, and understanding.