Energy images...

6 April 2022: Two statements I heard today that made me marvel at the poetry we hear in everyday language--and both were about energy.

1) A little girl having walked up the two flights of Knutti steps, telling her mother, "My legs are out of breath!" 

2) A student showing me the pages she generated quite quickly last night: "I got a splurge of energy..." I liked this one because it was a sort of portmanteau (splurge/surge) and malapropism that still works--like, she had fun writing those pages, like you would splurging on something.

"Our Love"

6 January 2018: In marked contrast to yesterday's post, there's this song: loud, fast, and peppy as heck (despite some dark content). Just heard it for the first time this morning on a drive. Perfect.

"Follow You Into the Dark"

5 January 2018:

Been humming this song for the past few days, I think, almost like a quiet mantra. I don't really know why, though I suspect it has something to do with its soothing message and sound. That's welcome right now for a couple of reasons. And boy, is it a good "huddle down and keep warm" song for these cold days.

A year of "listening"

31 December 2017: "I've decided to very actively embrace winter in Indiana...So the sky is the color of blank paper and it makes me want to die. But it also means that owls are easier to spot." --Susan, a Reply All listener.

P.J. and Alex, the Reply All hosts, first spoke with Susan a year ago, in their year-end show. She was going through a hard time then and was hoping that 2017 would be better. So for 2017's year-end show, they called her up to check in. The decision she describes above--to embrace what seems harsh and difficult and find beauty or purpose in it--really spoke to me.

You see, in addition to all the usual end-of-the-year brooding I always do, I've been thinking about this blog and the "listening" theme (which culminates with this post). Three-hundred-sixty-five posts about something interesting I heard each day. What did I learn? What did I gain? What purpose did it serve? I am still working out the answers to all of that--and trying to figure out what to do in 2018 as far as this blog goes. I have enjoyed the ritual of doing something every day, so I will keep that up the best I can.

But back to this post and Susan: I was listening to this episode while taking a freezing cold walk down by the river today. And in addition to thinking about everything above, I was thinking about how different everything looks down there this time of year versus spring or summer. Honestly, I don't like most of it, preferring green trees and such. But there was beauty to be found: a cardinal standing out among the bare branches, a bluebird against the dusting of snow we got yesterday, the drifts of ice on the water. So I was trying to see all of that--trying to see beauty even when there is lots going on internally and externally to bring me down.

And then I heard Susan, whose circumstances sound more challenging than mine (she's living in a cold trailer, for instance)--talk about embracing winter and looking for owls. Like a lot of the posts I've written this year, it was a moment where listening made me feel connected to someone, even someone I don't know and will never know.

Things are tough out there. It's been a rough year. But the "listening" theme made me slow down, look for insight and beauty from others, and remember that we are connected. For all of that, I am grateful.

Tonight I've got some of my favorite people in the world coming over. We'll ring in 2018 together and for that, I am very grateful, too.

Spit-take

30 December 2017: "What is the value of having a jungle camo suit in the fucking sky?" --Tara Ariano on this week's Extra Hot Great, discussing the ridiculous Nightman. 

First real "snow day" of the year here (nothing too major--just enough to make a slightly anxious driver like myself stay home). Since the forecast was pretty spot-on, I had planned in advance to clean the bathrooms (yay...) and do some other "stuck in the house stuff." I had also saved this episode of Extra Hot Great to listen to while I toiled away. Tara's line legit made me do a spit-take as I took a sip of water. EHG is just so great, even when they are discussing shows I will never watch.

Keeping me humble...

29 December 2017:

Five year old niece: [cuddles up to me, grabs my hand] Tante Heidi?
Me: Yes?
Niece: I loooove.... [Very long pause. I prepare for a sweet moment...] ...this watch!

"They All Laughed"

28 December 2017:
"They all laughed at Christopher Columbus
When he said, 'The world was round.'
They all laughed when Edison recorded sound.
They all laughed at Wilbur and his brother
When they said that man could fly.
They told Marconi
Wireless was a phony.
It's the same old cry.
They laughed at me wantin' you.
Said I was reaching for the moon.
But oh, you came through." --Ella Fitzgerald and Louie Armstrong, "They All Laughed"

I don't think I had heard this charming little song before, but on a cold, quiet, and kind of moody day, it made me smile.

"Lodging: A Complaint"

27 December 2017: "You have some issues that...keep you from growing past this problem, which is what you need to do." --Judge Hodgman, on this episode of his podcast. It's pretty terrific and classic Judge John Hodgman: funny, complicated, and sweet.

Driving music...

26 December 2017:
"In my heart I've got it straight in my head.
I mean everything I think I just said.
If I never stop loving you,
Will you never start wanting me to?
Say you won't and that's what I'll do,
For forever with a heart so true.
If you'll start and end everyday
Forever never wanting me to go away,
All I'm ever gonna always do
Is never stop loving you." --David Kersh, "If I Never Stop Loving You"

Heard this one while driving back from NY today. Hadn't listened to it in a long time and found myself charmed by it again. It made the tail-end of a long drive a bit more pleasant.

Christmas 2017

25 December 2017: "The hands of the Almighty are so often to be found at the ends of our own arms." --Sister Monica Joan, on this year's Call the Midwife holiday special.

Another terrific holiday special capping off a pretty darn nice Christmas Day.

Christmas Eve

24 December 2017: "But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.'" --Luke 2:10

There is so much to love, analyze, and ponder about the Christmas Gospel, but this year, I found real comfort in the angel's assurance that the shepherds need not be afraid.

"The Holiday Coping Mechanism Spectacular"

23 December 2017: "Sometimes I just make a list of people that I know would want me to get through the holidays. I don't even have to know them...but I know that Oprah would want me to get through the holidays." --Jen Kirkman, on this wonderfully helpful (and funny) episode of The Hilarious World of Depression.

What a gift this podcast has been this year, right down to me listening to it today on my drive up to NY. The realization was enough to make me make a donation to it right before writing this post.

"Try Me"

22 December 2017:

"Try me, try me.
Darlin' tell me
I need you.
Try me, try me,
And your love will always be true." --James Brown, "Try Me"

"Christmas in the Car"

21 December 2017: "Oh, look, it came out in 22 minutes! Oh, it's a preemie just like Jesus." --Linda, about her Dutch Baby, in the "Christmas in the Car" episode of Bob's Burgers.

Trying to get into the spirit and this episode--one of my favorites--is helping a bit.

"The Botanist"

20 December 2017: "I wish we were, Phoebe. I'd like to know you." --Jane H. Bock, talking to Phoebe Judge, the host of Criminal, towards the end of an episode about Bock's work in forensic botany. Phoebe had just told Bock she would edit the podcast to sound like they were in the same room talking.

This evening, as I was taking my walk, I found myself thinking about about relationships of all kinds and just feeling twinges of melancholy, the kind that sometimes hit you during the holiday season and all of the end-of-the-year reflecting it brings with it. You know...those "another year is over and this is where/who/what I am?" thoughts. So this moment in the podcast stood out to me.

Their exchange wasn't related to the subject of the episode proper (which is fascinating on it's own--seriously: give it a listen). Moreover, it is also the kind of thing you never really hear on podcasts--a "behind the curtain" glimpse that the producers usually cut but this time chose to leave in. I immediately found myself wondering why.

Whatever their reasons, I am grateful for that brief exchange and what it represented: two people who don't know each other but who realize they admire each other and feel connected and fond of each other, facilitated through this weird medium. And I realized again why I love the medium so much--because I am a part of it, too. I don't know Phoebe or her guests and I probably never will. But there is just something so intimate and wonderful about listening to these shows and feeling like the people who make them are a new type of friend.

It didn't cure those melancholic twinges, but did alleviate them a bit. Good enough. 

"All I Ever Wanted"

19 December 2017:

"Yet I see the small lights
of winter campfires in the hills—
teenagers in love often go there
for their first nights—and each yellow-white glow
tells me what I can know and admit to knowing,
that all I ever wanted
was to sit by a fire with someone
who wanted me in measure the same to my wanting.
To want to make a fire with someone,
with you,
was all." --from "All I Ever Wanted," by Katie Ford

You can always find sigh-worthy gems at the Academy of American Poets page (with audio clips, too).

A welcome reminder...

18 December 2017: "Well, there could be more to it..." --my friend Carrie, responding to something judge-y I had said about some people we know. She didn't mean to chastise me or anything--she was just making a point. I am keeping the details vague here, of course, but wanted to post about it because it was a good reminder that I should pause sometimes before sharing something a bit nasty.

The Last Jedi

17 December 2017: "That's how we're gonna win. Not fighting what we hate, saving what we love." --Rose, in The Last Jedi

Really dug this lovely message from the film. It is amazing that this film (and Rogue One and Coco, to just name a few) were basically done before the last election was decided. But each of them has, in different ways, provided such good advice for our resistance. 

"Wild Geese"

16 December 2017:

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things." --Mary Oliver, "Wild Geese"

These words are particularly welcome today.

Happiness...

15 December 2017: “Well, she’s happy.” –Amy, at dinner tonight, talking about a former student who we bumped into earlier. She said this in response to my comment that she (the student) looked lovely. Since graduation, though this student hasn’t yet landed any kind of dream job, she has gotten engaged (to someone who seems wonderful) and just seems to be thriving. So yeah: it’s pretty clear that happiness can make you glow. So nice to see…