A year of "listening"

31 December 2017: "I've decided to very actively embrace winter in Indiana...So the sky is the color of blank paper and it makes me want to die. But it also means that owls are easier to spot." --Susan, a Reply All listener.

P.J. and Alex, the Reply All hosts, first spoke with Susan a year ago, in their year-end show. She was going through a hard time then and was hoping that 2017 would be better. So for 2017's year-end show, they called her up to check in. The decision she describes above--to embrace what seems harsh and difficult and find beauty or purpose in it--really spoke to me.

You see, in addition to all the usual end-of-the-year brooding I always do, I've been thinking about this blog and the "listening" theme (which culminates with this post). Three-hundred-sixty-five posts about something interesting I heard each day. What did I learn? What did I gain? What purpose did it serve? I am still working out the answers to all of that--and trying to figure out what to do in 2018 as far as this blog goes. I have enjoyed the ritual of doing something every day, so I will keep that up the best I can.

But back to this post and Susan: I was listening to this episode while taking a freezing cold walk down by the river today. And in addition to thinking about everything above, I was thinking about how different everything looks down there this time of year versus spring or summer. Honestly, I don't like most of it, preferring green trees and such. But there was beauty to be found: a cardinal standing out among the bare branches, a bluebird against the dusting of snow we got yesterday, the drifts of ice on the water. So I was trying to see all of that--trying to see beauty even when there is lots going on internally and externally to bring me down.

And then I heard Susan, whose circumstances sound more challenging than mine (she's living in a cold trailer, for instance)--talk about embracing winter and looking for owls. Like a lot of the posts I've written this year, it was a moment where listening made me feel connected to someone, even someone I don't know and will never know.

Things are tough out there. It's been a rough year. But the "listening" theme made me slow down, look for insight and beauty from others, and remember that we are connected. For all of that, I am grateful.

Tonight I've got some of my favorite people in the world coming over. We'll ring in 2018 together and for that, I am very grateful, too.

Spit-take

30 December 2017: "What is the value of having a jungle camo suit in the fucking sky?" --Tara Ariano on this week's Extra Hot Great, discussing the ridiculous Nightman. 

First real "snow day" of the year here (nothing too major--just enough to make a slightly anxious driver like myself stay home). Since the forecast was pretty spot-on, I had planned in advance to clean the bathrooms (yay...) and do some other "stuck in the house stuff." I had also saved this episode of Extra Hot Great to listen to while I toiled away. Tara's line legit made me do a spit-take as I took a sip of water. EHG is just so great, even when they are discussing shows I will never watch.

Keeping me humble...

29 December 2017:

Five year old niece: [cuddles up to me, grabs my hand] Tante Heidi?
Me: Yes?
Niece: I loooove.... [Very long pause. I prepare for a sweet moment...] ...this watch!

"They All Laughed"

28 December 2017:
"They all laughed at Christopher Columbus
When he said, 'The world was round.'
They all laughed when Edison recorded sound.
They all laughed at Wilbur and his brother
When they said that man could fly.
They told Marconi
Wireless was a phony.
It's the same old cry.
They laughed at me wantin' you.
Said I was reaching for the moon.
But oh, you came through." --Ella Fitzgerald and Louie Armstrong, "They All Laughed"

I don't think I had heard this charming little song before, but on a cold, quiet, and kind of moody day, it made me smile.

"Lodging: A Complaint"

27 December 2017: "You have some issues that...keep you from growing past this problem, which is what you need to do." --Judge Hodgman, on this episode of his podcast. It's pretty terrific and classic Judge John Hodgman: funny, complicated, and sweet.

Driving music...

26 December 2017:
"In my heart I've got it straight in my head.
I mean everything I think I just said.
If I never stop loving you,
Will you never start wanting me to?
Say you won't and that's what I'll do,
For forever with a heart so true.
If you'll start and end everyday
Forever never wanting me to go away,
All I'm ever gonna always do
Is never stop loving you." --David Kersh, "If I Never Stop Loving You"

Heard this one while driving back from NY today. Hadn't listened to it in a long time and found myself charmed by it again. It made the tail-end of a long drive a bit more pleasant.

Christmas 2017

25 December 2017: "The hands of the Almighty are so often to be found at the ends of our own arms." --Sister Monica Joan, on this year's Call the Midwife holiday special.

Another terrific holiday special capping off a pretty darn nice Christmas Day.

Christmas Eve

24 December 2017: "But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.'" --Luke 2:10

There is so much to love, analyze, and ponder about the Christmas Gospel, but this year, I found real comfort in the angel's assurance that the shepherds need not be afraid.

"The Holiday Coping Mechanism Spectacular"

23 December 2017: "Sometimes I just make a list of people that I know would want me to get through the holidays. I don't even have to know them...but I know that Oprah would want me to get through the holidays." --Jen Kirkman, on this wonderfully helpful (and funny) episode of The Hilarious World of Depression.

What a gift this podcast has been this year, right down to me listening to it today on my drive up to NY. The realization was enough to make me make a donation to it right before writing this post.

"Try Me"

22 December 2017:

"Try me, try me.
Darlin' tell me
I need you.
Try me, try me,
And your love will always be true." --James Brown, "Try Me"

"Christmas in the Car"

21 December 2017: "Oh, look, it came out in 22 minutes! Oh, it's a preemie just like Jesus." --Linda, about her Dutch Baby, in the "Christmas in the Car" episode of Bob's Burgers.

Trying to get into the spirit and this episode--one of my favorites--is helping a bit.

"The Botanist"

20 December 2017: "I wish we were, Phoebe. I'd like to know you." --Jane H. Bock, talking to Phoebe Judge, the host of Criminal, towards the end of an episode about Bock's work in forensic botany. Phoebe had just told Bock she would edit the podcast to sound like they were in the same room talking.

This evening, as I was taking my walk, I found myself thinking about about relationships of all kinds and just feeling twinges of melancholy, the kind that sometimes hit you during the holiday season and all of the end-of-the-year reflecting it brings with it. You know...those "another year is over and this is where/who/what I am?" thoughts. So this moment in the podcast stood out to me.

Their exchange wasn't related to the subject of the episode proper (which is fascinating on it's own--seriously: give it a listen). Moreover, it is also the kind of thing you never really hear on podcasts--a "behind the curtain" glimpse that the producers usually cut but this time chose to leave in. I immediately found myself wondering why.

Whatever their reasons, I am grateful for that brief exchange and what it represented: two people who don't know each other but who realize they admire each other and feel connected and fond of each other, facilitated through this weird medium. And I realized again why I love the medium so much--because I am a part of it, too. I don't know Phoebe or her guests and I probably never will. But there is just something so intimate and wonderful about listening to these shows and feeling like the people who make them are a new type of friend.

It didn't cure those melancholic twinges, but did alleviate them a bit. Good enough. 

"All I Ever Wanted"

19 December 2017:

"Yet I see the small lights
of winter campfires in the hills—
teenagers in love often go there
for their first nights—and each yellow-white glow
tells me what I can know and admit to knowing,
that all I ever wanted
was to sit by a fire with someone
who wanted me in measure the same to my wanting.
To want to make a fire with someone,
with you,
was all." --from "All I Ever Wanted," by Katie Ford

You can always find sigh-worthy gems at the Academy of American Poets page (with audio clips, too).

A welcome reminder...

18 December 2017: "Well, there could be more to it..." --my friend Carrie, responding to something judge-y I had said about some people we know. She didn't mean to chastise me or anything--she was just making a point. I am keeping the details vague here, of course, but wanted to post about it because it was a good reminder that I should pause sometimes before sharing something a bit nasty.

The Last Jedi

17 December 2017: "That's how we're gonna win. Not fighting what we hate, saving what we love." --Rose, in The Last Jedi

Really dug this lovely message from the film. It is amazing that this film (and Rogue One and Coco, to just name a few) were basically done before the last election was decided. But each of them has, in different ways, provided such good advice for our resistance. 

"Wild Geese"

16 December 2017:

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things." --Mary Oliver, "Wild Geese"

These words are particularly welcome today.

Happiness...

15 December 2017: “Well, she’s happy.” –Amy, at dinner tonight, talking about a former student who we bumped into earlier. She said this in response to my comment that she (the student) looked lovely. Since graduation, though this student hasn’t yet landed any kind of dream job, she has gotten engaged (to someone who seems wonderful) and just seems to be thriving. So yeah: it’s pretty clear that happiness can make you glow. So nice to see…

"The Mother"

14 December 2017:
"Welcome to the end of being alone inside your mind.
You're tethered to another and you're worried all the time.
You always knew the melody, but you never heard it right..." --Brandi Carlile, "The Mother"

Just spent over an hour on the phone with my sister talking about, among other things, how hard it is to be a mother. At least that was my take-away, as I listened with awed empathy of everything she does and feels for her kids.

Anyway, I had a tab open in my browser for this new track from Brandi Carlile, complete with a video of her singing it to her little girl. Turned out to be the perfect complement to that conversation.

Alabama...

13 December 2017: “My eyes just burning. Ain’t nobody crying.” --Nuris Bigelow, after voting for the first time. More stories like this one here. Still filled with giddy joy over last night's victory.

Fall 2017 Grading: DONE!

I can't remember the last time I finished grading this early in an exam week, but I ain't complaining! It helped that my ENGL 421 class didn't have a final exam. If they did, I would have been giving that exam on Friday.

It's been a very busy semester--so much going on with teaching, research, portfolio-assembling, and oodles of committee work. But it's done. (Mostly? Except a big old meeting next week...) (And break is super-short this year...)

Nevertheless, for now, commence chair-dancing!

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

12 December 2017: "It's family game night." --Jake to Rosa, on this week's Brooklyn Nine-Nine, as he and the whole squad show up at her apartment.

I think I have been extra emotional lately, but this line--and the entire ending scene of this episode--make me really tear up.  

Gems...

11 December 2017: "I wanted to show you this gem I found." --a student in my ENGL 204 class, taking out a two-volume edition of The Marble Faun from the 1880s that he found at a used bookstore last weekend.

So much about this charmed me. The student is non-traditional, a computer-science major, a veteran, and if you were prone to stereotypes, not the kind of person you think would be roaming used book stores and buying copies of lesser-known Hawthorne novels. But I learned long ago that these kinds of students can be the most interesting and dynamic students in a class. They are almost always hard workers, too, with such insightful readings and a passion for important cultural conversations. And he was excited enough that he carried them to campus (on the day of his final exam!) to show them to me.

Beyond that, the books themselves were lovely and (most charming of all?) had a hand-written note inside volume one, from someone giving them to her cousins for Christmas well over 100 years ago. Kind of magical, I think.

"Big Parade"

10 December 2017:
"Lovely girl won't you stay, won't you stay, stay with me.
All my life I was blind, I was blind, now I see." --The Lumineers, "Big Parade"

Coco

9 December 2017:
"Remember me, each time you hear a sad guitar
Know that I'm with you, the only way that I can be
Until you're in my arms again, remember me..." --"Remember Me," from Coco

I mean, I am just going to embrace that I am more and more of a movie-crier with each passing day. I welled up within the first five minutes of Coco, but really lost it when the spirits started crossing the flower petal bridges. So lovely and moving.

Okay, then...

8 December 2017: "No. I hate men." --a student in my ENGL 312 class joking (sort of) in response to my question about whether any of them were considering writing about masculinity in their final exam essays. It made me laugh out loud, as did a later student's comment that she is "happy to take on the patriarchy" in her essay.

Confidence building...

7 December 2017: "That's right: I said, 'We need to be whales.'" --Julia, one of my former students, reminiscing with Katie, another former student, about how she used to get them to feel confident in stressful situations.

Apparently, when Katie would get nervous, she would shake a bit and Julia called her a Pekingese. Instead, she said, be like a whale--just float and don't be afraid of anything.

I caught up with these two delightful young women at a dinner at another former student's house. Wonderful company, wonderful conversation. And I especially loved hearing about how they playfully supported each other through rough patches.

Finishing up "The Bible as Literature"

6 December 2017: "It's really telling that some of the images are fantastical like beasts and dragons and then you have a prostitute and a bride." --a student in my Bible as Literature class, responding to the apocalyptic imagery in Revelation. She also made the point that while it might have been harder for readers to imagine a dragon or a beast covered with eyes (two images in the book), the female images are much more accessible.

It was fascinating to realize that, after a semester of studying the Bible, in Revelation we find ourselves with two very classic representations of woman in the end: the pure bride and the corrupt whore. The patriarchy...it is a very clever and complete system.

Nobel Adjacent...

5 December 2017: "Blows me away every time..." --my friend Jeff, who gave a presentation today on this year's Nobel Prize in Physiology. This quotation is him reflecting on some work he did with one of the scientists who won the big prize, adding "normal" genes back to flies and seeing the next generation go back to normal. (More complicated than I am making it seem here, I promise!) What I loved about this moment was how he paused a bit before he said it and his voice caught a bit when he did. I am grateful every time I get to see my friends in the sciences talk about their work, especially when their delight and awe shines through.

Teaching "Drown"

4 December 2017: "Drowning is accidental...you don't have control over it, like the economic and cultural forces he feels." --a student in my ENGL 204 class, answering the question I always ask them about this Junot Diaz story: why is it called "Drown"?

Like the story we talked about on Friday, "Drown" is another piece I love, but one I came this close to dropping this semester. It's such a downer for a last piece and I am not sure I ever teach it well enough. But this class...man, they hit it out of the park. The student quoted above put into words what I often struggle to articulate myself.

"Welcome to Hell"

3 December 2017: "My dad gave me a pink gun so...there's a lot there." --Saoirse Ronan in this SNL digital short. It's funny but also depressing...

Lady Bird

2 December 2017: “Don’t you think they are the same thing? Love and attention?” --Sister Sarah Joan, in Lady Bird.

Man, this movie is terrific. And while there were many lines that really floored me, this is the one that I can't stop thinking about.

This time it worked?

1 December 2017: "It's like she knows she wants something, thinks it might be him, but then realizes it isn't, so she's still looking." --an ENGL 204 student responding to Jhumpa Lahiri's "Sexy."

I almost dropped this story when I was writing the syllabus for this semester. I love it, but sometimes it just doesn't work as well as I want it to in a 204 class, as I blogged about here at this point last semester. But yesterday was the best it's ever gone teaching that story. The students were so smart and sensitive about it. What a treat that discussion was.