"After Words"

26 October 2026: 

"I stood at the door and flashed
on a day the week before
he died, when I asked him
what was he living for, really, what
was left for him?, a question borne
of bone-deep exhaustion and fear." --Kelly Beard, "After Words"

There's been a kind of gloominess hovering over me these last few days. Lots of strange dreams and thoughts about my parents. Guilt and sadness on a loop. 

Nothing dire; I'm okay. It's just there.

Beard's poem, which is new to me, and the little "About This Poem" segment, found me welling up here in my office this morning. Grateful for this moment. 

Caroline

25 October 2026: "Carefully, Caroline closed the Bible around the splinter and slipped it back into the trunk. She felt the way she had felt when her brother died, and when her children were born. Open, so that everything reached straight through to her heart. Entirely conscious of the current of life coursing through her. Until this day, she hadn't noticed the concordant notes between the two. This was the feeling that came over her each time the veil between this world and the next was lifted" (Miller 329).

This morning, I finished Caroline, my book club's selection for this month. I am not quite sure what I think about it, but this passage felt true to me. It's how I've felt over this last year: kind of cracked open to life, death, pain, joy...like a live nerve. 

Work Cited

Miller, Sarah. Caroline: Little House, Revisited. William Morrow, 2018.

"The Zit"

24 October 2026: It's so strange to rewatch My So-Called Life at age 49, with both of my parents gone...

I rewatched "The Zit" this evening and moved all over again--though in ways that hit differently than in 1994. 

Anyway, here's Angela's closing monologue: "Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while. And admit the truth. That when you really looked closely, people are so strange, and so complicated, that they're actually... beautiful. Possibly even me." 

Volleyball!

23 October 2026: It's been such a busy semester that only tonight was I able to see my first Shepherd volleyball game. Felt great to see them back in action--and to see them win.

Fall Break Vibes...

22 October 2026: Won't be a work-free Fall Break, but I am grateful for a chance to catch up on some stuff when I can and just...be grateful in general. On my way home from getting my hair cut this morning, I actually said out loud, "You are having a good day." 

Also...cutest (and mostly hidden) attendee at the BOG Finance Committee meeting.

First place!

21 October 2026: After a long, non-stop day at work, I barely had time to feed the cats, change the litter boxes, and pull the trash can down to the curb before heading out to the casino for Wednesday night trivia. But I had been looking forward to it all day. 

Had a blast today even before we came in first. That's the first time it's happened since I've been playing with these folks. The win is just the cherry on top, though. 

Sometimes brave, sometimes not...

20 October 2026: An HVAC tech came by this morning to do the yearly inspection. Jo stood at the door when he arrived, went right up to him, and was generally pretty nosy for the first half of his visit here. Something must have changed, though--maybe too many loud noises?--because after I had been working at the table for awhile, I realized I had some company hiding on the chair next to me.

I love this about her; sometimes she's so audacious and sometimes she just a scaredy cat. And when she's the latter, I love that she finds comfort near me.

Dinner with Lee

19 October 2026: Way back in July, Valerie, Sadie, and I planned on taking Lee, our SUWP admin, out for a meal to thank her once her position ended (when the grant ended). Then...life intervened. 

Tonight, we finally made it happen. Felt really good to thank Lee and just catch up with her. 

(Sadie's daughter was sick so she had to miss...)

The Midlife Plot Twist...

18 October 2026: Listened to this episode of Depresh Mode on my walk this morning and once again found myself thinking how often John Moe's work makes me think and moves me.

"Frederick Douglass and the Freedom of Writing"

17 October 2026: Our SUWP/Common Reading "Pop-Up" event was a real success today. Still barely keeping my head above water, but it's really something to see kids happily write their own stories.

 

Founders Day

16 October 2026: Didn't take any pictures, but Shepherd celebrated Founders Day today for the first time in a few years. I was so busy today, but am glad I took the time to join the festivities. Find that joy when you can!

Gonna fly now!

15 October 2026: What's the nerd equivalent of running up the Rocky stairs?

Seriously, though: Slate's "Pears" game is a daily delight for me. 

"Run"

14 October 2026: Last weekend, I listened to Vampire Weekend's Contra from start to finish for the first time in years. Man, did these songs come right back to me. I've been humming tracks all week since then.

Busy Tuesday...

13 October 2026: Two meetings, one doctor appointment, one presentation/pitch, and fourteen essays graded. Not bad for one day. Even more encouraging is that part of me found the rush exciting and even energizing. 

The sunshine and warm temperatures certainly helped, even as the leaves covered the sidewalks on walk this morning. 

Doing all the appointments and meetings on (and around) campus before 2:00 and then getting home to grade and do other work from 2:00-6:00 also helped--a lot. 

I was sort of dreading this week, but so far, I am handling it and can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Sort of...

"Maybe we lived between hurting and healing..."

12 October 2026: On my walk this morning, I was thinking about sadness, anger, and guilt, emotions that I wrestle with these days in the aftermath of the last ten months. This morning, I found myself wondering about the relationship between the three. Does one drive the others? Does one feed the others? Do the roles switch? I feel like figuring that hierarchy out is important--but not to get past them. Just to understand and keep going. 

When I got back to my office, I looked over my notes for the Young Adult Lit class. We were finishing up Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, which included a discussion of the line that gives this post its title. 

Seeing that line in my notes seemed important. Trying to figure out if that's where I am...I think so? And that's a good space for thinking and thinking and thinking...