Student writing...

Grading. It is the part of my job that I hate the most. It takes forever to do, it’s no fun, and sometimes (especially if the papers are really crappy) it puts me in an almost angry mood. But there are secret joys that go along with grading, mostly at the student’s expense. Students-- sometimes through laziness, sometimes through trying to sound really smart, sometimes because they just aren’t thinking, and sometimes because they are just really ummmm... interesting people--write the funniest darn things in their papers.

I always tell my friends that we need to write a book someday using these examples—and perhaps using the crappy emails we get from students. (Remind me to tell you about the one in which a student describes in excruciating detail a rash he has that’s keeping him from class. Ummm, ewww? Just stay home until you feel better, okay, dude?)

Anyway, here are just a few great lines I’ve culled from my ENG 204 finals. I wonder if this post could get me into trouble...well, no names will be used to protect the guilty.

1) “…entombing him in his wince cellar”
I wish I had a wince cellar—a great place to do all my wincing and a great deal of my cringing. (Yes, the student is writing about Poe’s “The Cask of Amontillado.”

2) “Throughout the course of this semester, I have been bombarded with writers who have somehow contributed to literature in a crucial way.”
I just love the idea of a student being bombarded by American literature. Makes me sound like a bombardier, dropping American lit bombs on their innocent little brains, which is all kinds of awesome. It also makes me want a cool hat like this guy...

3) “Whitman loves everyone and everything, but he especially loves himself.”
This cracked me up, in part because it’s so very true (at least for a first-time Whitman reader), especially when you have students read “Song of Myself” with great lines like:

“Knowing the perfect fitness and equanimity of things, while they discuss I am silent, and go bathe and admire myself.”

4) “Secondly to be preserved was the throw up…” Aren’t you dying to know where this sentence is going?

5) “Although the meaning of this poem is argued quite frequently, it was a great poem to discuss so all the thoughts in this particular could be discussed.”
How to say nothing in 27 words…

6) “The rotting man, the strange murder, and the unusual necrophilia create a fascinating story that is intriguing for all readers.”

So there’s a usual kind of necrophilia? (Yes, the student is writing about Faulkner’s “A Rose for Emily.”)

Finally, a real gem from one of my ENG 101 students….

7) “I’m not entirely sure as to why, but I really enjoyed this class.”
Ummmm…thanks?